Struggling as of late, not with lust specifically, just with life in general. Lust issues take a blow though when life is gets rough and I need to be on guard. 

I know what I need to do to get back on track, my issue is doing them. Or maybe I don't, I really don't know anymore.

Somehow things always seem to resurface when I am deep into a good streak as well as when I am doing well in the other areas of my life. I am wondering, maybe it's some sort of pattern, I do well, and then something inside me realizes that something is wrong and starts fighting and kicking.

Whatever, I am just going through a rough time, hope I can get out of it soon and unscathed. No one said life was going to be easy, no one said it was going to be smooth sailing. 

The nice thing is that I git to 40 days and lust really has not been on my mind most of the time. Yeah I've had slips here and there but it hasn't been this everlasting struggle. B"H I am able to go 40 days without much of a thought about this struggle, that is surely an accomplishment.


No Breslov in me, just the regular yeshivish stuff (Ramchal, Chovos Halevavos, Michtav Me'Eliyahu, Rav Yeruchem Levovitz, etc.), a healthy dose of Rabbi Twerski and hanging around in this place long enough.

I realized  that as long as my brain is working, I am okay. The issue is when my brain isn't working, that's when all the trouble starts (it probably causes some medical complications as well...).

I went on a long bike ride yesterday (instead of going to Yeshiva) and that felt really good.

Really just lacking motivation for any of my goals and want to focus on other things obsessively (like exercise, CCT, making beer, exploring Yerushalayim on my bike and some other hobbies of mine). 

Then I feel down and guess what happens next? 

You got it! And the issue is that when I am going through this, my brain is out of order. 

I feel like my life is a cycle; I push, things go well then they fall apart, repeat. 

I guess my question is, is this how everyone is, or is it just me?

Either way, gotta go to Yeshivah (can't miss anymore).

See ya all, hope to hear from you guys.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 18 Nov 2020 07:59:

You bet buddy! Everyone.



Yup. That's where you belong. (But I am sure the bike ride was geshmak!)

53 days clean.

I am going through a rough patch emotionally but B"H am in a much better place emotionally than before. My avodas Hashem is still not at it's best but I am taking it slow, the main thing right now is progress.

One thing that is amazing is that with Hashem's help, throughout this time, acting out was really not an option. While in the past acting out would have been first choice, this time around it was off the radar. I think this is huge. I was, even in a pretty bad emotional state, able to realize clearly that acting out (especially in my situation) would have brought out the worst emotional stress and prolonged my time in the dumps. Even though I needed a pick me up, I didn't turn to the tried and true (joking) method for pleasure and instead waited patiently to be able to do something real and satisfying. I am still working on this but I know that in order to feel happy I need to fill myself up with productive and satisfying things. Those are things like doing for others, putting a smile on someone's face and being there for others. The more selfless, the more satisfying, the more selfish, the emptier it leaves you. One thing I realized is that acting out (especially when married) is quite selfish, in fact one of the most selfish things ever. Think about it, you are sitting there alone doing something pretty gross, for what, for that self gratifying feeling, just to feel good. You did nothing to earn it, you are just taking without providing anything to anyone in return. Uch.

Anyway, I really just wanted to reflect on this new clarity that feeling good is not the same as feeling happy and it's possible that "feel good" things (that take without giving) actually leave us feeling more unhappy. The true path to happiness is through things that we do that follows the divine plan.

Here are some links that helped my perspective. 
www.simpletoremember.com/media/a/happiness/ 
gye.vids.io/videos/1c9adbb61c1de2cb94/how-do-we-protect-our-children-from-seeking-bad-pleasures (a short clip focusing on parenting but makes the point so clearly)


Well, I guess the good news is that this time the cycle didn't lead to the inevitable. Actually, it turns out that the inevitable is actually nit inevitable. Progress, going through a tough time without acting out. Not bad, not bat at all. The "fall apart" wasn't fun but I will grow from it and thank G-d I am still clean.

Thank you to all you guys for being there for me.
Wilnevergiveup

Progress, progress, progress, that's it, that's the goal. (Just reminding myself)

I had another streak of 60ish days, what does that mean? 

My cycles have been 30is 10, 170is 60.... does that mean that I am due for another 150 plus streak? maybe even beating my record?

I don't know what to say, except that I am not really bummed out I really don't struggle all that much anymore, I had no struggle at all leading up to this fall, no epic battle, no buildup, it was really just a fluke (okay maybe I could have been more careful...) it was quick, triggered acted stood up straightened my jacket and carried on. no pre struggle, no post struggle, no dying etc. Back up, no second helpings (although I did have lots of siyata d'shmaya for that).

Is this progress, or numbing? I hope the former. 

Obviously, I would like to be clean for life but if you do the math, I'd be pretty happy to repeat the last six months or so, is that wrong?

On a side note, this had nothing to do with my emotional state, B"H I am in a much better place, planning on posting about that too but haven't had the head space yet. 

I hope I am moving in the right direction. Counting days is really not my primary motivation, I am just trying to life as a good person (husband father friend Jew...) and I hope I can live up to it.

Thanks for listening.

*1ST* One thing I know; if we keep on trying Hashem will have mercy and let us Die as a righteous Hero in our clean seasons. If we keep at it Hashem is so good that He will not let the Malack HaMavet visit us when we have a "fall" but rather in our kedusha time. The longer we're clean the better. And we're not constantly failing but constantly succeeding. B'H

*2ND* I used to be addicted to weed. One of those many "clean periods" became a "forever clean period". It's been 18 years now B'H....HASHEM will make the same with this addiction. How hard is it for Hashem? I just have to keep at it.

Thanks for the post. Sums up very well how I feel. I usually fall in a similar fashion no major build up or post fall. Just a quick fall, get up and back. BH my emotional state is also much better. However if I'm really analyzing the situation, there is a build up before a fall. It is not a lust build up or struggle, rather it is a dip on my emotional barometer.

Hatzlocha Rabba

Uriel wrote on 11 Dec 2020 09:04:

First off, congrads on your first post, it's an honor to have it on my thread! Maybe start you own thread where you can share your own journey.

Now to your post;


Not super comforting... I have no intention of dying anytime soon and that isn't what freaks me out. Honestly, I don't give a darn if I die clean or not, I care about whether I fulfilled my purpose and for me, right now that purpose is progress. As long as I am growing, I am not sure it makes much of a difference if the Malach Hamaves catches me on the wrong day in between two streaks that consist of the majority of my life. 

I would only be nervous if they do an autopsy and discover something, oh my poor family...

I don't think dying a righteous hero has anything to do with being this fight and I really try not to think too much about dying altogether for that matter.

Thanks though for your support I just don't relate that much to the whole dying thing.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Dear R' willnevergiveup,
Wow ur name truly personifies your essence, no words, what's amazing is that you only had a small setback at the beginning of the battle but ultimately you won, because more than the yetzer hora wants us to fall he wants us to stay down, and you proved him wrong.
Sometimes we are forced by the satan to fall just to see whether we are able to pull ourselves back up again, and that's what you have done. this can not be underestimated. 
You and all your posts are a tremendous Chizuk for me.
I heard from A Talmid Chochom based on a Midrash that even in Yosef Hatzadiks case there was some sort of Pgam/slip but because he pulled himself out he became the epitome of Kedusha in Klal Yisroel forever. 
This is what you are doing raging forward in a nisoyan like no other as the Yetzer hora tries to win with his last bit of strength before he is wiped away forever.
Continue climbing ODAAT, 
A freilichen Chanuka,
Gut Shabbos,
Excellence
   

How u been?

Chess, chess is what saved me today....

It really did, but seriously, something that I thought about today that never really occurred to me before is that if I reflect on where I am today compared to say a year ago, it's light years away. Yeah I still struggle, I still go through rough patches but it's just not the same.

Here is wat I mean: I was walking down the street today and realized that just a year ago what I would be doing was thinking about each and every pretty looking woman that I passed by, sometimes would follow them in order to obsess over their features etc. and today, even though I still struggle with this garbage, I wasn't doing that. I was just glancing and looking away saying, they are their own people, with their own lives to live and they have a right to live with the privacy of not having some jerk obsessing over their gross physical features etc.

I didn't actually daven for any of them but I did reflect on how far I have come ant that brings me to this point, even though I am not finished with this garbage, I can tell G-d and myself that I am moving in the right direction. 

This brings me back to my dying saga and that if I did have to die right now, even if I was in the not in the greatest state as far as pureness is concerned, I know that at least I have come this far and that is no shabby thing to bring before the holy one. I don't know where G-d want's me to be in 100 years or in 30 or even in a week but today, I think he want's me to be exactly where I am right now. 

Thanks for hearing me out, no catastrophe here but was alone and struggled and thank G-d for GYE and that I came here to stretch my finger muscles.

Wishing myself and all the rest of you all the best.
Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 20 Dec 2020 20:21:

Nice post! Thanks for sharing!

Just been munching on brownies that really don't fit into my diet plan right now... Have been having "just a sliver"... 

Anyway, I've been at it for about an hour now and the only reason I stopped is because there is no more left...

That's what happens when you leave your guard down I guess...

Just a little and just a little never ends up being just a little. Even that first little I cannot afford.

Hello, I started looking at this thread just because there was a new post here today. But once I started,I had to go all the way back to the beginning to read the whole thing. I am very inspired by your story and your posts.
Thank you very much!

Boruch Hashem, I am doing really well as of late. 

In other news, we had a beautiful baby boy and I am really grateful to Hashem for this tremendous berachah. 

Please Hashem, help me keep my home pure for my new little boy and help us raise a beautiful mishpacha and help us remain kaddosh v'tahor.