Hey everyone
First time poster here so here goes!

I started learning in Eretz Yisrael this past Elul and I joined the site around a month later. Not sure how much of my life story I should tell or how much that anyone would be willing to to read but I reckon this will be decent...

I think when I was young (maybe 8-9 really can't remember well)I started to touch myself inappropriately, not as masturbation, and I think this is a habit that has stuck for a while. I remember since when I was 12/13 I often had fantasies of family friends and girls my age. I think this was the main problem at the time. I've had social media and that was a problem for a while, both with non-inapproriate content of people I knew and some less inappropriate stuff of friends of friends and stam random accounts(which I didn't follow- not that I makes much of a difference). A few times I unfollowed all the people I knew but sometimes a few months later I would be back to following them again.  I don't know for certain how often I was looking at these pictures, but I'm think it was maybe 2-3 times a week, and I was probably fantasising just as often if not more. Although I don't think this was a great place to be at the time, I think it became a bit of a habit which I didn't really change for a while, more than an desire or urge to fantasise if that makes sense, it was often something I would do just before I went to sleep.

BH for many years I did not look at very inappropriate content or p*rn and it wasn't a problem for me during that time.

Last year, the last year of high school we had exams and I think I was quite stressed (a circumstance, not an excuse) and towards the end of the exam period and into the long summer I had after I stated to watch more inappropriate content like p*rn and start to be mz"l more often. Since then it has been the main problem I've been struggling with and want to change. I haven't been on any p*rn website, just other ones that have that content, if that makes sense. (I could be more specific, but I wouldn't want to give ideas for anyone else). 

Here's where I'm at, at the moment:
I think I've been relapsing around every 4-7 days, and I think my most days clean was 14-15. Unfortunately I don't think in general it's a matter of stopping myself during those 4 days or so, just that I don't feel any urges or impulses to do so during that time. 
Often when I do fall I regret it immediately and the fall(not the word I'm looking for but anyway) itself is very short. I definitely find that I anticipate a fall a lot and have high expectations and the the relapse is nowhere as good as I've convinced myself (as it obviously isn't anyway), like climbing a big mountain expecting a huge slide down and it's just a plateau. Occasionally it is on my mind during night seder or dinner and when I go back to my room I fall.

Part 1/2 
Please wait for part 2 before responding, breaking it up so easier to edit

Part 2 - jeez this became long...
Might have forgot to mention I'm 19

I decided this year I want to stop with it and make a long term lasting change. My roommates old roommate (basically someone 1 year older than me) just got married, and I've realised I'm probably closer to getting married than to the time since I had this issue. Scary stuff! (Side note, it's unlikely I'll be married so soon, however that doesn't make it a less pressing issue)

Here's what I am doing to try solve the problem and what I think I should be doing:

I had a filter installed when I got to yeshiva and its mostly works. I currently have 1 app which is a problem, but I need it(need it, not need it). I just got another app to block it when I don't need to use it and I'm gonna see how that works out for now. I'm not used to having a filter so I'm occasionally annoyed at how it works, eg blocks out a regular news site(not sensationalist with inappropriate stuff) instead of just the pictures or something. Like it's blocked Jewish websites which are certainly ok. The person who installed it is happy to whitelist what I want, but it's a hassle for each small thing, but if this is the small price to pay, for sure it's worth it.

I go for runs and play sport often, around 3 times a week and that helps, I can't remember having an urge after, but occasionally I've fallen before I went to do sport, when I get changed and that sort of defeats the purpose.

My yeshivas out of the way so I don't see any of the girls I had issues with. Not sure I made it clear before but pretty much all thoughts that I had were/are completely on me, not due to lack of tznius. Thinking of it now, that may have been a subconscious thought when I did pick it. But a little concerned with what will be when I go home.

I don't, but definitely should start listening to the daily chizuk email, maybe I'll sign up to the WhatsApp one.

​I saw the partner thing was recently changed and improved, I might try it out soon. Before I do I think I want to try partner with a friend in yeshiva first. Any ideas how to approach someone for this? Not sure if he struggles with this but it's someone I think I would be comfortable asking. Is it better to ask someone who might be struggling, and if so how do I ask without coming across without being rude, like I think you have a problem. I currently hold someone filter password, but don't think I would speak to them, and I don't yet feel comfortable talking it with a Rebbe although I think in the future that might change.

I also need to make sure that I daven to Hashem to help me in this area, I have done before, but it needs to become a staple in my tefilla and I also need to put him in my mind more when it comes to this.

Last few points, it's getting late.

I'm worried I've messed my brain up a bit in regards to fantasising. (Not talking so much about p*rn here) I keep on thinking what if I marry someone amazing, and then my best friend comes round with his wife who I used to think about? BH I still have time to change myself, and I think I should rather take this current period as it is day by day then worry about then.

That's way too much about myself so I think I'll leave a parting message for anyone brave enough to bother with this whole megilla and a half.

Often when I relapse I think to myself:
Just this time
But obviously this time = every time
Let's try to have the mindset:
This time I won't do it
And in this case turn this time into every time. (This is sounded better in my head)

Thanks for taking the time to read this long message as a piece from my crazy mind.

Looking_to_improve

Forgot to say, would appreciate your thoughts, ideas and comments. Tbh this turned into a bit of a diary but anyway...

Wanna write up a few more things on my mind later, a bit short of time right now...

Welcome aboard!  Many of us here went through very similar circumstances as you.  Keep working on this and you will break free I"H. 

Thank you everyone for reaching out and offering to speak etc whether in the chat or as a private message - mi kaamcha Yisrael
A few things on my mind
I recently just surpassed 100 clean days which is bittersweet achievement, it's a great number of days to be clean, however I don't think my streaks have increased in length during this period.

Anyway, I'm getting an app to block the app I need when I don't need it and will give the password to a friend. That should start making a change I think.

An idea I heard to day I wanna share: 
The yeitzer hora often makes us feel guilt and shame when we fall. The intention being to prevent us dusting ourselves of and trying again to come close to Hashem. However we say that Sheva yipol tzadik vekom(might be a slight misquote) and that we can achieve a victory even after we fall. Sometimes if we are sensitive to it(I can't always say I am) then before we fall we can feel a small sense of guilt of shame from the yeitzer hora before we fall. If we remain sensitive to this feeling, we can use it for good and remain clean and pure and use it to prevent ourselves sinning and causing a much greater sense of self inflicted shame, that happens after we fall

Anyway that's my thoughts for today.
Let's take it one day at a time

Looking_to_improve

Looking_to_improve wrote on 19 Jan 2020 18:02:

Rav Hutner explains that what makes life meaningful is not beatific basking in the exclusive company of one's yetzer tov" but rather the dynamic struggle of one's battle with the yetzer hora.

Shlomo Hamelech's maxim that "Seven times does the righteous one fall and get up" (Mishlei, 24:16), continues Rav Hutner, does not mean that "even after falling seven times, the righteous one manages to gets up again." What it really means, he explains, is that it is only and precisely through repeated falls that a person truly achieves righteousness. The struggles – even the failures – are inherent elements of what can, with determination and perseverance, become an ultimate victory.

I've heard this idea of Rav Hutner before, it really is very powerful. I want to say I had it in mind before I wrote, but I definitely didn't convey it across in words.

It really is amazing thinking that although we fall, this process of improving ourselves through falling and getting up and starting over is the way for us to become tzadikim.

I heard a similar idea (unfortunately can't remember in whose name ) might be that in shema we say we should love Hashem bchol levavecha, with 2 lameds, meaning both with our yeitzer tov and yeitzer hora. Perhaps this idea of Rav Hutner is the one conveyed in the shema, that we should love and become close to Hashem through serving Hashem by utilising what strengths we have through both our yeitzeros(I hope thats the plural)

Thank you Hashem for another clean successful day!

I hope this forum comes across as cohesive, tbh it just a big mish mash of all ideas flowing around my head so to me it feels quite mis-jointed.

I wanted to ask, often it can take me over 30 mins to fall asleep at night, even when I don't use my phone before I do. Sometimes I have thoughts and fantasies during that time to pass the time. If anyone has techniques that they use to fall asleep quicker it would be much appreciated.

Also funny story about exercising. I went for a run tonight, I planned to go for around 35-40 mins.
5 mins in, half a lap in just finished warming up and it began to downpour! I was going to do 3 laps of a course, decided to stick it out and try do 2 rather than just a half with a warm up. Came back drenched(except the back of my shirt which was bone dry).
Definitely did not have any hormones tonight to want to fall after that episode. I guess Hashem is looking out for us, when we put in the effort.

Looking_to_improve

Maybe bring a light sefer or biography of a tzaddik with you to bed.

Thanks for the suggestion

Not much on my mind today, just checking in again

Looking_to_improve wrote on 20 Jan 2020 22:22:

Congratulations on the 3 day streak! 
Remember that every clean day is a major win and every time we keep strong within a day accumulates to make our self-control stronger and the reward for it is very big even on this world.
Keep up the good work!  

Thank you, looking forward to making this streak stick. Amazing work to reach 65 days

If all else fails,

Another clean day under the belt, thank you Hashem

Here's a short idea I heard today I think in the name of the Pele yoetz

Often we can have thoughts which can pop into our heads at different points in the day. Sometimes they can be scary or others inappropriate. What makes a tzaddik is not the lack of having these thoughts (although I'm sure that also is very positive), but rather how we react to them. Do we allow our fleeting thoughts to remain just that, fleeting. Or do we let them distract us and put us into a negative place.

We can control our reactions to these thoughts, or we can allow these thoughts to control us.


Onwards and upwards