Hi A.S.J,

I can't relate 100% to you but I know pretty soon I may be able to at the right time(I"YH).

You showed yourself you can hold back and control.
But just know, you are not losing anything and the work you have put into yourself is not for nought.

Have you tried to reach out to anyone on the forums? I bet many can relate to you and give some good advice for your specific situation.

But for now, remember one day at a time.

Wishing you a very happy Chanukah and much success with dating!

Keep strong and update.

I haven't written in awhile, and I have had some ups and downs, but I am facing some humongous tayva right now, so I just want to write here. even though I am not sure what about, I will just freestyle, because I need to distract myself. 

I have been struggling with dating. I cry. It's hard for me to focus on other things. I have dated a few girls for quite awhile (I come from a more modern orthodox background, so there is usually a few months of seeing each other before engagement), but each time it just doesn't work out. And then sometimes I go out with a number of girls in a row that just aren't shayach at all. I don't know which is more frustrating. During my best streaks (I got clode to a year twice) I would tell myself to stay pure because you are going to get married soon and you want to be pure for your wife. But now that motivations gets harder. I realize the dating process can literally take years. And the process itself causes so much stress and desire at the same time that it only makes it harder. 

But I trek on. The last time I didn't fall and at this moment my motivation is that b'zchus staying clean Hashem will grant me much beracha in the area and I will find the right one soon (and if soon isn't the right time, the process should be enjoyable until then).

Please Hashem help me. I beg you. I know I haven't been on top of my game lately, but I have the biggest tayva machine right by my side 24/6 and I have been staying pure. Please!!! I know I am worth nothing to you, and I came from dust and will return to dust, but please!!! 

The one area I think I have improved on during the process is Emunah, because without it I would definitely be drowning. But it is still so hard sometimes. Why does it have to be so hard? I see that I have grown as a person because of it, but it still feels like torture sometimes. 

I don't know. Patience is key. I am trying to be happy in the moment, to take it day by day, but it's easier said than done. 

I think my rant is done. My tayva has baruch hashem subsided. Will come back if it comes back. 

If anybody actually read this, sorry it is so over the place. I was trying just to write my thoughts out of the tayva hole I dug myself into. 

Our failures present an opportunity for greatness. They are not obstacles that hold us back, and we must not allow them to. Not only don’t they make us incapable of greatness, they can even become the sparks that bring the most growth. They can spur us on to reach amazing heights that we would never have aspired to had we not fallen so badly. Not only that, the added difficulty of having tasted sin gives us the opportunity to achieve incredible acts of success. This is another way our situation enables us to reach astounding heights! We should not be depressed by where we are. Rather, we should be excited because the lower we have fallen, the higher we can reach!

I fell last night and again this morning. It's definitely difficult. 

But here is a thought which I would like to share. 

After being clean for almost a year twice, I keep getting into these streaks of between 30/50 days. Which is annoying because I want to get back to where I was before. I hate seeing the number 0 on my streak (and single digits, and even double digits lol)

So seeing the number bums me out. But I was thinking. If I keep getting into streaks of about 45 days, yes it is heartbreaking, but what does that mean? That means in a year of 365 days, with so much opportunity to fail everywhere we go, I only fall on about 8/9 days a year. That is amazing. 357/365 days means being clean for 97% of the time. 

The reason I make this point is not because I want to focus on the numbers. It's actually the exact opposite reason. The people we turn ourselves into are way more important than the number on our counter.

And I think this can held defeat one of the yetzer hara's arguments:
When setting out to be clean for an extended period of time, the yetzer hara will often say: "there is no way you will be perfect forever, your counter will be back to 0 at some point, so why bother trying at all?"

And this is the answer: Yes, it is likely that at some point we will fall again, but every day we stay clean strengthens our ability to control our tayva.

I used to face immense tayva every day, all day thinking about going online. I sometimes would leave davening to go to the bathroom to be mz''l. I was falling multiple times a day, everyday for long periods of time. (And I was in Yeshiva at the time) It was insane. It controlled (ruined) my life. But then I picked myself up and I got a few good streaks over 90 days back to back. But obviously I fell and had more sequences of nice streaks and fallings. So today, just like a few years ago,my count is 0, but is it really the same? 

NO! I am no longer controlled everyday by my tayva. Most days I don't have a desire to go online. It does not control me like it used to. Now, just when there is the right combination of stress, boredom, procrastination, triggering, and access does my yetzer hara get the best of me. So I am once again at 0, but my reality and relationship to tayva has completely changed. 

I say this not to just publicly make myself feel better about my situation, but hopefully to show that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you have falls in the future, making a serious push for 90 and above will make your life better because it will make you stronger and better.
Don't let the yetzer hara tell you that its useless because at some point you will fall again. 

In short, I believe it was Rav Frand that said at the siyum hashas: "Perfection is the enemy of good"

That's the winning mindset! Just look back at your thread and see how far you've come. Mamash reread it. I do it with mine all the time. G-d doesn't expect perfection from us. If He did, He would have created us malachim. Even they fell when confronted with arayos, hence the "nefilim". Each win, each "not giving in", is a korban offered to the Most High. The fact that we hit speed bumps across the way is part of the struggle.
Keep inspiring us!!

AStrugglingJew wrote on 17 Jun 2021 15:43:

A very very good perspective, on e that really talks to me and keeps me going.
thanks for sharing

I've been messing up lately. Down bad. 

There were a few moments where I stopped and said "if you hold back here, the schar is immense, Hashem will help you" and I just didn't care and wanted to fall anyways. 

I really am upset at myself

I want to be pure. 

I want to be able to go out on dates and not have a dirtied neshama. How will I be successful in shiduchim if I dirty myself. How will I find a pure wife. 

I am so frustrated. I really have been messing up. I had such good things going for me. 

AHHHHHH. 

I usually try to keep and portray positive outlooks and messages, but honestly, I am just frustrated at myself at this moment. Frustration and Yaush sometimes get pushed away so quickly on these forums, but it probably necessary and natural to get hurt a little by it so you remember for next time. 

I don't know anything. We live in a dark world. Torah is our light 

In general guilt is not a Jewish idea because guilt is paralyzing and self-absorbing. The Jewish view is to use mistakes to grow forward.

On the other hand, the Nesivos Shalom writes in Parshas Noach, the guilty feelings we have are a gift from Hashem that come from the inherent good inside every Jew. Indeed, he writes, a Jew who does not have these feelings anymore, no longer has much hope.

A person who gives in to the Yetzer Hara only because the Yetzer hara has tempted him strongly and he can't hold back, is still not "bad' in essence. With sincere Teshuvah, Hashem will forgive him. But if one doesn't feel guilt anymore, that means that the bad has taken him over totally and there is little hope.

The Nesivos Shalom ends by saying that “guilt” is actually a Tikkun for every Jew to be able to break free of the bad. Even when one falls, they should make sure that the fall does not become part of their essence. By continuing to hold on to Hashem and feeling guilty when we are far from Him, then even in the case of the worst sins chas veshalom, we still have hope and will be forgiven.

There’s a simple test we can do to know whether we are being motivated by healthy guilt/regret or by shame/despair. If we see that we want to get right back up and find ways to strengthen ourselves again, then it’s a sign that our “bad” feelings are those of healthy guilt and positive regret. If, however, we feel that we just want to give up, then it’s a sure sign that we are experiencing despair and shame, and we must quickly find a way out of these harmful feelings before they lead us to a vicious cycle of continued falls.

We hope that you will get over the bad guilt and use the good guilt to grow strong!

Thank you. Never heard this distinction before and it is super helpful

I think for me in a way sometimes the yetzer hara will tell me: you can't feel guilty, it isn't good for you , don't you know that. But that is just getting rid of the good guilt and trying to make me care less of the severity and normalize what I am doing, which is horrible. 

This is a good way to look at it. If you stop caring, that is a really bad thing as well because it means you are straying from really caring for what Hashem wants. 

I guess there is something beautiful in feeling really badly. It means you are still in tune with the values and care deeply about Hashem and the connection is still there. 

Thank you again for this insight

thank you. this is such a good chizuk and makes me feel a little less horrible. lol. 

One of the gedolim, when approached by tzebrochenne mentchen who were despairing from ever stopping to masturbate used to say, "Let me kiss the hand of the fellow who didn't masturbate so many times. Maybe you gave in once, but you battled and resisted hundreds of times".

Just an update. 
Baruch Hashem I have been pretty good for while. Almost back to 90 days clean  which is always exciting. 

​However, I have had a little bit of extra tayva recently.  I think its because I have more free time than usual now, and  because Yom Kippur just passed my yetzer hara tells me that the year is sealed anyways, just fall and it wont effect anything (obviously a horrible tayna). 

Because of my increased tayva, I let myself come across some inappropriate pictures. I was toeing the line, wasn't being so careful. This lack of caution obviously is not ideal, and lead me down the rabbit hole. Just a few minutes later (and just a few minutes ago) I was starting to look at very X-Rated pictures, as bad as it gets. And my yetzer hara told me that since I already saw these inappropriate things, why not just let yourself enjoy it. You already tarnished your eyes, so just look at some more, what's the big deal, just finish the deed (hamavin yavin). I was so close to falling. 

But then my yetzer tov fought back: I said no! I remembered hearing/learning recently that separating at the time of tayva is the biggest zechus a person can have. And I have happened to be struggling in shidduchin a little. It has been awhile and have had some emotional lows  that have been really hard for me. So I told myself I am going to muster all my strength so this should be a zechus for me in shiduchim so that I should find the proper zivug soon, which I have been davening for with all my heart these past few weeks. 

This idea of the zechus of seperating at the time of tayva combined with the fact that I have recently been desperately asking Hashem to help me  inspired me to step away. I decided not to go down this path, and to re-instate my taphsic shavuah which had expired. (Taphsic is s great resource here on GYE, that has been the #1 key to my success, I highly recommend checking it out if you haven't seen it yet) 

And because I did this I really feel so good!!! We all know when we fall how ashamed we feel. The opposite is true when we conquer that tayva, it feels so so good. 

I hope this message can possibly give people motivation/something to think about when they are in that moment of tayva. There is no bigger schar (and no better feeling) than being able to stop yourself when in the midst of intense desire.

Be''h I can post soon that this maaseh, combined with many tefilos, helped me in the journey to finding that special person in my life. 

Wow. What a hero. What a mighty warrior!

I hope to glean inspiration from you to fight this hard even at the late stages of an tayva attack, when I think I passed the point of no return. I know from experience how inevitable falling into masturbation feels when you crossed all the red lines in terms of שמירת עיניים. I don’t recall ever being able to stop at that point, although it may have happened. 

I am sure Hashem is immensely proud of you, and bez”h in this merit I bless you to find a זיווג הגון בקרוב.

ואל תהי ברכת הדיוט קלה בעיניך.

Any eitzah's for bitachon? 

I am really struggling. A few parts of my life are not going my way. I daven so much, poured my heart out for awhile already, but the tides haven't changed yet, it all seems the same. 

Obviously in the end, it's all for the best, but I am just quite down recently. We daven for a sweet year, but sometimes it just feels bitter. 

I really went into sukkos, zman simchasainu, hoping to only have attitude of simcha, and for all that is wrong having strong bitachon, but I am clearly week in this area.

I honestly feel like I am getting punished. I believe in Hashem with a full heart, I know in my end it's all for the best, but when the process is bitter it still is really hard to keep oneself from getting down. 

And when I am down like I am now, the tayva to fall is so great. "Why not? Things are already going badly, just add it to the list, just hot rock bottom, then it will only be up from there" my yetzer hara says

Really open to any advice from this very holy community to help in this area

and I just fell. I guess the yetzer hara wins again. Just gave Hashem another reason to not answer my tefillos.

why do i do this. I know I'm just hurting myself.