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My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity
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TOPIC: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 1085 Views

My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 23 Oct 2019 20:49 #344365

  • AStrugglingJew
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Hi, 
I have b''h reached 121 days, something that I am extremely proud of. I have for the most part employed filters and taphsic to keep myself in check. 

My main issue now is that every few days i will have a day of extreme tayva where I will then try to give into that by having serious hirhurim or lusting over attractive women on the internet. I do not think i will actually fall because I remember how painful it was the last time I fell with a streak of similar length. Remembering that pain really keeps me and check. It was the worse decision of my life and hus brought much struggle to my life. 

The Tayva is very hard because I am single and sometimes I feel like there is no immediate outlet besides giving in. I know it is extremely hard, and a high madrayga, but I am looking to control my tayva when it comes about and be able to subdue it and not fantasize. One of my main motivations is that I want to start dating soon (I am 20) and I want to have a super clean relationship with my future wife. 

If anyone has any tips, that would be much appreciated. Sadly, I don't check GYE as much as I should, so if I don't reply right away it isn't because I don't appreciate it a ton, but rather because I am still working on inculcating GYE in my daily routine. 

Thank you so much. Much Appreciated 

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 24 Oct 2019 13:26 #344411

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Glad to hear you are growing and hope to emulate you. 

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 24 Oct 2019 23:55 #344431

  • AStrugglingJew
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Had a really rough day. Did not fall, but had so much Tayva today that it causes so much stress and tension. My Yetzer Hara is so tricky and gives me so many reasons to fall. I don't want to listen to him, but a part of me does just because it takes so much energy to keep my guard up.  I know I will be sad if I do  though. The battle is really wrecking me. Like people always say that the Tayva will just pat- but recently for me- it has been getting stronger and stronger for a few days now. Again, it takes so much energy and stress to stay clean. Very very hard to handle. Only thing keeping me alive is that I really don't want to ruin this streak- but I do not know if that one motivation will keep me in much longer. What should I do? I need help. I want this to stop

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 25 Oct 2019 01:06 #344439

  • cordnoy
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AStrugglingJew wrote on 24 Oct 2019 23:55:
Had a really rough day. Did not fall, but had so much Tayva today that it causes so much stress and tension. My Yetzer Hara is so tricky and gives me so many reasons to fall. I don't want to listen to him, but a part of me does just because it takes so much energy to keep my guard up.  I know I will be sad if I do  though. The battle is really wrecking me. Like people always say that the Tayva will just pat- but recently for me- it has been getting stronger and stronger for a few days now. Again, it takes so much energy and stress to stay clean. Very very hard to handle. Only thing keeping me alive is that I really don't want to ruin this streak- but I do not know if that one motivation will keep me in much longer. What should I do? I need help. I want this to stop

Sorry to hear that. May I suggest reading the introduction to the White book? Before they get to step one.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
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Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 25 Oct 2019 14:02 #344471

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Okay, I will look into that

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 25 Oct 2019 14:02 #344472

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Okay, I will look into that. Thank you

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 27 Oct 2019 01:59 #344511

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Never heard of the white book- what is that?

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 27 Oct 2019 04:30 #344518

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It's the main book used by addicts in the 12 step recovery program of SA.

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 20 Apr 2020 16:40 #348517

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So Baruch Hashem, I have reached 301 days of purity. I have not really been able to keep up and post because it has been pretty busy for me this year- which I think was key for me staying clean. Staying busy and involved is a great way to get mind off of shmutz. In addition to that, the taphsic method really helped and really stopped my tayva in my tracks when I thought about falling. 

However, I am now really struggling. I wasn't so strict with shmiras anayim (not explicit, just watch content that not tznius), and now my tayva is out of control (not saying that being a little loose 100% cause it, but I am sure that it has helped contribute). This quarantine situation is very hard. I am still under my taphsic shavua- which I gave myself pretty serious repercussions for if I fall- yet I still am thinking about doing it. Tayva is so intense and just at home. 

Yetzer Hara is so strong. 

Biggest lesson for me is that you cannot let up or become lax. Even after 300 days that yetzer harah still can come up and pounce on you. I thought I was in the clear for the rest of my life- hadn't had crazy tayva for awhile - but here it is again. Again, I did make a mistake in getting a little lax with shmiras anyim and hirhurim- can't do that, that is definitely on me.

Any advice/motivation would be helpful. Thanks. 

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 20 Apr 2020 17:43 #348519

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No matter how well we prepare ourselves, there will be times when we are surprised by desire. Our urges activate and cloud our perspective, and suddenly we want to give in. We must learn how to “snap out of it” and escape the clutches of our desires so we can think clearly once again.

When we are caught off guard, we instantly change and our battle against desire intensifies. But if we catch ourselves and remember ideas that grant us clarity, we can overcome this incredible challenge and achieve some of the greatest successes ever.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 20 Apr 2020 18:07 #348520

  • wilnevergiveup
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Hey @astrugglingjew, I don't know you but you have a really long streak, much longer then mine so I don't know if it's my place but I was wondering since you are really close to a full year clean, do you have any goals as far as how long you want to stay clean for?
What I mean is it seams like it's just a blur 100 days 300 days, I mean these are incredible numbers but you don't have to stay clean for another 301 days, just today.
One day that's it. Then tomorrow work on tomorrow but for now it's one day.
I was also wondering if you thought about making a goal to reach a year clean (64 days left or 53 on the jewish year) or 50 weeks (49 days left). Be creative make yourself a short term goal like a day or a week. 

Maybe you have to work with smaller numbers.

I might be totally off so if I am then sorry.
Hope you have Hatzlacha figuring this all out.

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 20 Apr 2020 18:42 #348521

  • AStrugglingJew
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Thank you, I think that is great advice.

My goal would be able to stay clean for the rest of my life. And being clean now is also really important, and more difficult, because I am single and I want to be clean for my marriage, so I know that it is important to really fix it up now.  

However, I think your advice is really great. I think part of the issue for me is that I went so many days clean, and since my goal is "forever" there is, according to my yetzer hara, no difference between the rest of my life starting 301 days ago and the rest of my life starting now- both would be extremely long times of being clean. However, when I think rationally, I still know this logic is flawed, because it is so hard to get back up to this point and can take months, years, or potentially a whole lifetime, to get out of a really bad phase of addiction. I know this because I once had a streak in similar length to this one, but fell, and it took about year of bad addiction to get back and really be serious about stopping. 

Thank you so much. 

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 20 Apr 2020 20:55 #348522

  • wilnevergiveup
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I just want to clarify a little bit.

There are three levels. There are short term goals, long term goals and perfection. Perfection is the work of a lifetime. Our lifelong goal is to attain perfection, however if that is all we focus on we will never get there. 
We need to make other goals as stepping stones and forget about perfection.

The Ba'alei mussar say that we each have a different tafkid in life and only reaching that will bring us to shleimos (perfection). We don't know whether Hashem expects us to stay clean for a year a month or a day, all we know is he wants us to keep on pushing.

This means we have to forget about our "whole life" and focus on being the best I can be right now today.

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 21 Apr 2020 04:24 #348541

  • AStrugglingJew
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Update:
Made it through the day clean!!!! 

With a lot of siyata dishmaya, and barriers I put in place (taphsic, filter) I was able to tell my yetzer hara that I do not and am not willing to fall. 

There is no better feeling than truly winnong the battle. So much better and longer lasting than the one moment of pleasure from a fall. That is key to remember. 

Thank you guys so much for all the help. 

Re: My Journey to 90 and Beyond. Chasing Purity 21 Apr 2020 20:23 #348587

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tayva is back today as well. I imagine that it will be this way until the coronavirus is over. Being alone and having a lot of freedom with time makes falling very tempting. Hopefully, bezras Hashem I can make it out clean
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