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hey ya'll (this truly feels odd)
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TOPIC: hey ya'll (this truly feels odd) 719 Views

hey ya'll (this truly feels odd) 11 Apr 2019 05:03 #340529

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: you may read stuff here which you dont agree to. thats fine, and you can argue about them all youd like. you may read about things  people have done which you dont agree to, also fine, and feel free to write your view. but im asking, please, anyone who feels theyll have to speak about the actual people, PLEASE dont read this post...,

so, since this is supposed to be therapeutic and all, i figure i may as well give it a try.

ive often contemplated writing a journal but im far to lazy. so if i couldnt pull that off, it makes perfect sense to try again here where every tom dick and harry (no offense:)) can read it to their hearts content lol

im thinking ill break it up a bit so i dont get carpal tunnel

let me go way back, dredge up all i can (relevant to this struggle or not will be up to your personal hashora) and just spill it out here.

my father has extreme difficulty expressing himself. in fact, extreme may be too soft of a word, incapable, would be more accurate. he was often enraged (the slightest thing would set him off), and when he was enraged, that was in all caps. run for the hills. but when he was in a good mood, he rocked (you could count on him for a great time)
i never got along with my mother. anyones guess why. 

one of my ealiest memories is (sorry if this is gross) me being sweaty down there and having to keep separating... well, you know... my father kept telling me to stop touching and i kept forgetting (i must have been around 5-6) the next thing i remember is him pushing me, struggling and screaming, out our front door. without my underwear. (thats how my 6 year old brain remembers it. my 20 year old brain says i MUSTVE been in underwear.) after that, he had me sit by our table again without my underwear (or, for my 20 year old brain, without pants) for i dont remember how long. i can still turn colors when i think of that story.

i cant remember a time when i didnt touch myself. im talking about, i dont know, 5-6, laying in bed at night and touching myself. not masturbating, just touching. when i was around 9, my dad had one of his blowups and sent me to my room. i remember feeling EXTREMELY angry. so, to get my father, i laid down on my floor completely undressed and proceeded to touch myself with a vengeance (puts a whole new spin on "revenge porn"). i was convinced i had my fortune made when the most miraculous thing happened. i thought id be able to sell this information to people, teach them how to do this! a persons body has this built in capability to make them feel INCREDIBLE, and I figured it out! i couldnt stop. i had anxiety to travel for more than 5 hours because, when would i do it.

slowly slowly slowly, i began to feel that maybe this is something i shouldnt be doing actually, and that im the only one that has to figure this out... as time passed i began to feel, and than know, more and more that this is wrong. the guilt and shame began creeping in and id never felt so alone in a fight (i was sure) no one else has

thanks for listening! we'll see if i have the cojones to continue my little project

(like i said, oddest feeling ever to bare myself like this, when ive never even bared myself to myself)

p.s. being that im the paranoid sort, anyone who feels theyve cracked my identity should please have the decency to not mention it to me (as much as it goes without saying)

Re: hey ya'll (this truly feels odd) 12 Apr 2019 03:23 #340546

  • EscapeArtist
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qwerty123456 wrote on 11 Apr 2019 05:03:

p.s. being that im the paranoid sort, anyone who feels theyve cracked my identity should please have the decency to not mention it to me (as much as it goes without saying)

Well, R' Qwertz maybe you shouldn't have picked a username that's such a dead giveaway...
First of all, welcome to GYE, there's lots of great people here to connect to & material to read, download etc. Keep coming back.
Tzveitintz, that was an awesome share; not odd at all! You do a great job describing your feelings, and I must say it certainly takes a חכם to realize that not necessarily were things happening exactly the way they remembered them as a 6 year old.
I relate to a lot of what you wrote... I also started very young & I also get carpal tunnel from typing too much.
Keep on journaling, you should be זוכה to find much help here, as well as to be מחזק others! 
הצלחה!

Re: hey ya'll (this truly feels odd) 12 Apr 2019 04:07 #340548

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Great post. Guys like you become leaders here.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: hey ya'll (this truly feels odd) 12 Apr 2019 22:24 #340568

wow, that sucks. just lost my whole post. lets try again.

dunno how to reply  to just one part so this is in regards to "i relate to alot of what you wrote... i also...& i also get carpal tunnel from typing to much" 

LOLOLOL!!

thank you hashem, and thank you for your shaliach EscapeArtist. i literally lol every time i think of that line! 

today was a hard day for me. got hit with the lonely/who cares anyway/its not that terrible/dejected feeling, and coupled with being stressed out/hungry/no coffee, like i said, hard day.

i got in to the shower 90% sure of what would happen, when hashem let me remember your line. i burst out laughing and that gave me the push (somehow) to decide to try my hardest to pull through.

dude, thank you.
no clue what a karma point is, but, "click"
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