If only i could be done with this for good just by telling myself i don’t want to do it anymore. But thats not how it works. I sit here at the age of 23 with a very low self esteem and a crippling porn addiction, (amongst other things) wondering where it all went wrong. How do others seem to be leading great lives and yet I’m stuck here in my own personal hell? True i may have had issues that existed before the age of 10 where i first found porn. As usually a porn addiction does not exist in a vacuum. But why did i get the worst of them. The type that have inhibited me my whole life and have caused me to look for things like porn and masturbation to numb the pain.

While i tried pretending that the issues didn’t exist and i was good at doing so, at least in the eyes of others. They always came back to haunt me. But i would sweep them under the rug, telling myself that i have a whole life to work on them and that when i get married, my loving wife would understand, and help me and i would be healed of all my afflictions. Well here i am at 23 and i thank HaShem who admittedly has not been central in my life for many years, for helping me take action. I was to be engaged to a wonderful girl but unfortunately (or fortunately) she saw right though me. She understood that i was insecure about my life and i am. She may not have known that i was a porn addict but she knew something was wrong. And she was right. After she called it off, i sat there thinking, how could i expect to marry and have a real relationship with anyone if this is my current life situation? Porn effects everything in your life. I have come to understand that while my emotional issues such as low self esteem may have formed independently and prior to porn, i cannot expect to improve them or any other aspects of my life until the porn addiction is totally destroyed from within me. Porn is a huge source for low self esteem as there is no way one can watch porn and feel good about himself. So in desperation i reached out. I sent my father a detailed letter describing my current life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because he obviously was oblivious to all this. But i couldn’t hide it any longer. I really need help.

And as hard as it is, i will now watch all my friends, most of whom are married already, move on with their lives. While i at the age of 23 am just starting my journey to recovery. I have to stop dating now and that’s painful because all i want is to be married and to settle down. But i can’t. I have to leave my current yeshiva and move away. Everything I’ve had in life until now will change. And it will be hard, and painful for me to do. But ultimately, i am happy. I know i am doing what needs to be done and i hope to look back on this part of my life in many years to come and cry tears of joy that i overcame the hardships and became a better person.

If anyone is reading this, and suffering with similar problems. Please for your own sake do the hard thing and get help. I joined GYE 5 years ago and would read forums like this and i figured ya I’ll be good by the time i get married. I’m sorry but that’s not true and it’s procrastination. If you’re dealing with an addiction it won’t get better on its own i promise you that. Here i am at 23 and I’m happy that i am at least not older but sad that i knew of the problem for years, yet i did nothing. For your own sake do the hard thing and get real help by confiding in those you trust. You can’t do this alone.

If only i could be done with this for good just by telling myself i don’t want to do it anymore. But thats not how it works. I sit here at the age of 23 with a very low self esteem and a crippling porn addiction, (amongst other things) wondering where it all went wrong. How do others seem to be leading great lives and yet I’m stuck here in my own personal hell? True i may have had issues that existed before the age of 10 where i first found porn. As usually a porn addiction does not exist in a vacuum. But why did i get the worst of them. The type that have inhibited me my whole life and have caused me to look for things like porn and masturbation to numb the pain.

While i tried pretending that the issues didn’t exist and i was good at doing so, at least in the eyes of others. They always came back to haunt me. But i would sweep them under the rug, telling myself that i have a whole life to work on them and that when i get married, my loving wife would understand, and help me and i would be healed of all my afflictions. Well here i am at 23 and i thank HaShem who admittedly has not been central in my life for many years, for helping me take action. I was to be engaged to a wonderful girl but unfortunately (or fortunately) she saw right though me. She understood that i was insecure about my life and i am. She may not have known that i was a porn addict but she knew something was wrong. And she was right. After she called it off, i sat there thinking, how could i expect to marry and have a real relationship with anyone if this is my current life situation? Porn effects everything in your life. I have come to understand that while my emotional issues such as low self esteem may have formed independently and prior to porn, i cannot expect to improve them or any other aspects of my life until the porn addiction is totally destroyed from within me. Porn is a huge source for low self esteem as there is no way one can watch porn and feel good about himself. So in desperation i reached out. I sent my father a detailed letter describing my current life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because he obviously was oblivious to all this. But i couldn’t hide it any longer. I really need help.

And as hard as it is, i will now watch all my friends, most of whom are married already, move on with their lives. While i at the age of 23 am just starting my journey to recovery. I have to stop dating now and that’s painful because all i want is to be married and to settle down. But i can’t. I have to leave my current yeshiva and move away. Everything I’ve had in life until now will change. And it will be hard, and painful for me to do. But ultimately, i am happy. I know i am doing what needs to be done and i hope to look back on this part of my life in many years to come and cry tears of joy that i overcame the hardships and became a better person.

If anyone is reading this, and suffering with similar problems. Please for your own sake do the hard thing and get help. I joined GYE 5 years ago and would read forums like this and i figured ya I’ll be good by the time i get married. I’m sorry but that’s not true and it’s procrastination. If you’re dealing with an addiction it won’t get better on its own i promise you that. Here i am at 23 and I’m happy that i am at least not older but sad that i knew of the problem for years, yet i did nothing. For your own sake do the hard thing and get real help by confiding in those you trust. You can’t do this alone.