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It’s time to face reality.
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TOPIC: It’s time to face reality. 1528 Views

It’s time to face reality. 14 Feb 2019 15:34 #338974

  • Nomore24
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If only i could be done with this for good just by telling myself i don’t want to do it anymore. But thats not how it works. I sit here at the age of 23 with a very low self esteem and a crippling porn addiction, (amongst other things) wondering where it all went wrong. How do others seem to be leading great lives and yet I’m stuck here in my own personal hell? True i may have had issues that existed before the age of 10 where i first found porn. As usually a porn addiction does not exist in a vacuum. But why did i get the worst of them. The type that have inhibited me my whole life and have caused me to look for things like porn and masturbation to numb the pain.

While i tried pretending that the issues didn’t exist and i was good at doing so, at least in the eyes of others. They always came back to haunt me. But i would sweep them under the rug, telling myself that i have a whole life to work on them and that when i get married, my loving wife would understand, and help me and i would be healed of all my afflictions. Well here i am at 23 and i thank HaShem who admittedly has not been central in my life for many years, for helping me take action. I was to be engaged to a wonderful girl but unfortunately (or fortunately) she saw right though me. She understood that i was insecure about my life and i am. She may not have known that i was a porn addict but she knew something was wrong. And she was right. After she called it off, i sat there thinking, how could i expect to marry and have a real relationship with anyone if this is my current life situation? Porn effects everything in your life. I have come to understand that while my emotional issues such as low self esteem may have formed independently and prior to porn, i cannot expect to improve them or any other aspects of my life until the porn addiction is totally destroyed from within me. Porn is a huge source for low self esteem as there is no way one can watch porn and feel good about himself. So in desperation i reached out. I sent my father a detailed letter describing my current life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because he obviously was oblivious to all this. But i couldn’t hide it any longer. I really need help.

And as hard as it is, i will now watch all my friends, most of whom are married already, move on with their lives. While i at the age of 23 am just starting my journey to recovery. I have to stop dating now and that’s painful because all i want is to be married and to settle down. But i can’t. I have to leave my current yeshiva and move away. Everything I’ve had in life until now will change. And it will be hard, and painful for me to do. But ultimately, i am happy. I know i am doing what needs to be done and i hope to look back on this part of my life in many years to come and cry tears of joy that i overcame the hardships and became a better person.

If anyone is reading this, and suffering with similar problems. Please for your own sake do the hard thing and get help. I joined GYE 5 years ago and would read forums like this and i figured ya I’ll be good by the time i get married. I’m sorry but that’s not true and it’s procrastination. If you’re dealing with an addiction it won’t get better on its own i promise you that. Here i am at 23 and I’m happy that i am at least not older but sad that i knew of the problem for years, yet i did nothing. For your own sake do the hard thing and get real help by confiding in those you trust. You can’t do this alone.

Re: It’s time to face reality. 14 Feb 2019 16:01 #338976

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Nomore24 wrote on 14 Feb 2019 15:34:

If only i could be done with this for good just by telling myself i don’t want to do it anymore. But thats not how it works. I sit here at the age of 23 with a very low self esteem and a crippling porn addiction, (amongst other things) wondering where it all went wrong. How do others seem to be leading great lives and yet I’m stuck here in my own personal hell? True i may have had issues that existed before the age of 10 where i first found porn. As usually a porn addiction does not exist in a vacuum. But why did i get the worst of them. The type that have inhibited me my whole life and have caused me to look for things like porn and masturbation to numb the pain.

While i tried pretending that the issues didn’t exist and i was good at doing so, at least in the eyes of others. They always came back to haunt me. But i would sweep them under the rug, telling myself that i have a whole life to work on them and that when i get married, my loving wife would understand, and help me and i would be healed of all my afflictions. Well here i am at 23 and i thank HaShem who admittedly has not been central in my life for many years, for helping me take action. I was to be engaged to a wonderful girl but unfortunately (or fortunately) she saw right though me. She understood that i was insecure about my life and i am. She may not have known that i was a porn addict but she knew something was wrong. And she was right. After she called it off, i sat there thinking, how could i expect to marry and have a real relationship with anyone if this is my current life situation? Porn effects everything in your life. I have come to understand that while my emotional issues such as low self esteem may have formed independently and prior to porn, i cannot expect to improve them or any other aspects of my life until the porn addiction is totally destroyed from within me. Porn is a huge source for low self esteem as there is no way one can watch porn and feel good about himself. So in desperation i reached out. I sent my father a detailed letter describing my current life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because he obviously was oblivious to all this. But i couldn’t hide it any longer. I really need help.

And as hard as it is, i will now watch all my friends, most of whom are married already, move on with their lives. While i at the age of 23 am just starting my journey to recovery. I have to stop dating now and that’s painful because all i want is to be married and to settle down. But i can’t. I have to leave my current yeshiva and move away. Everything I’ve had in life until now will change. And it will be hard, and painful for me to do. But ultimately, i am happy. I know i am doing what needs to be done and i hope to look back on this part of my life in many years to come and cry tears of joy that i overcame the hardships and became a better person.

If anyone is reading this, and suffering with similar problems. Please for your own sake do the hard thing and get help. I joined GYE 5 years ago and would read forums like this and i figured ya I’ll be good by the time i get married. I’m sorry but that’s not true and it’s procrastination. If you’re dealing with an addiction it won’t get better on its own i promise you that. Here i am at 23 and I’m happy that i am at least not older but sad that i knew of the problem for years, yet i did nothing. For your own sake do the hard thing and get real help by confiding in those you trust. You can’t do this alone.


This was well written, if I must say. Welcome. How did your father respond? Why do you feel that everyone else has it so good? On that note, can you ever stop and think how others view you? Do they say that mrnomore has it all? Maybe. Whatever the answers are or aren't, there are many like you and there are many who pushed off getting help even longer than you did. Hell, that's me!
I'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

Re: It’s time to face reality. 14 Feb 2019 16:20 #338977

  • cordnoy
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Nomore24 wrote on 14 Feb 2019 15:34:

If only i could be done with this for good just by telling myself i don’t want to do it anymore. But thats not how it works. I sit here at the age of 23 with a very low self esteem and a crippling porn addiction, (amongst other things) wondering where it all went wrong. How do others seem to be leading great lives and yet I’m stuck here in my own personal hell? True i may have had issues that existed before the age of 10 where i first found porn. As usually a porn addiction does not exist in a vacuum. But why did i get the worst of them. The type that have inhibited me my whole life and have caused me to look for things like porn and masturbation to numb the pain.

While i tried pretending that the issues didn’t exist and i was good at doing so, at least in the eyes of others. They always came back to haunt me. But i would sweep them under the rug, telling myself that i have a whole life to work on them and that when i get married, my loving wife would understand, and help me and i would be healed of all my afflictions. Well here i am at 23 and i thank HaShem who admittedly has not been central in my life for many years, for helping me take action. I was to be engaged to a wonderful girl but unfortunately (or fortunately) she saw right though me. She understood that i was insecure about my life and i am. She may not have known that i was a porn addict but she knew something was wrong. And she was right. After she called it off, i sat there thinking, how could i expect to marry and have a real relationship with anyone if this is my current life situation? Porn effects everything in your life. I have come to understand that while my emotional issues such as low self esteem may have formed independently and prior to porn, i cannot expect to improve them or any other aspects of my life until the porn addiction is totally destroyed from within me. Porn is a huge source for low self esteem as there is no way one can watch porn and feel good about himself. So in desperation i reached out. I sent my father a detailed letter describing my current life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because he obviously was oblivious to all this. But i couldn’t hide it any longer. I really need help.

And as hard as it is, i will now watch all my friends, most of whom are married already, move on with their lives. While i at the age of 23 am just starting my journey to recovery. I have to stop dating now and that’s painful because all i want is to be married and to settle down. But i can’t. I have to leave my current yeshiva and move away. Everything I’ve had in life until now will change. And it will be hard, and painful for me to do. But ultimately, i am happy. I know i am doing what needs to be done and i hope to look back on this part of my life in many years to come and cry tears of joy that i overcame the hardships and became a better person.

If anyone is reading this, and suffering with similar problems. Please for your own sake do the hard thing and get help. I joined GYE 5 years ago and would read forums like this and i figured ya I’ll be good by the time i get married. I’m sorry but that’s not true and it’s procrastination. If you’re dealing with an addiction it won’t get better on its own i promise you that. Here i am at 23 and I’m happy that i am at least not older but sad that i knew of the problem for years, yet i did nothing. For your own sake do the hard thing and get real help by confiding in those you trust. You can’t do this alone.


I also welcome you.

Truly amazin' post, and I feel for you.

I bolded above some parts that stood out; I too have questions and comments, but I don't wanna burden you right now.

Suffice it to say that you are not alone, and I highly doubt that you got it the worst. Just for the record, I know many who had a full blown porn (and worse) addiction at the age of 23 and still got married and screwed up others besides themselves, so kudos to you! My God, you are a hero! Where in bloody Hell did you get the courage to do that?

Godspeed to you!
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Re: It’s time to face reality. 14 Feb 2019 16:21 #338978

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Thank you. He responded well and i knew he would. Although it must have been shocking and probably upsetting for him to hear. I knew he would be understanding. And i plan to work with him to help get me through this.

I understand that everyone has issues and there are probably many people who suffer from the same issues i do or worse. But i am sure there are many who don’t. And they have their own separate issues. But at the end of the day, because I’ve dealt with my own issues my whole life and i feel their harsh repercussions only now. I wish i could trade them away. As they seem almost unbearable.

I understand that on a surface level many people look at me and assume i have a perfect life and i do appreciate the good aspects of my life. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to tell assure myself that we all have issues and therefore I’ll be ok.

Re: It’s time to face reality. 14 Feb 2019 17:23 #338980

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I thank you for sharing because I was truly touched by your post. One thing I have to remind myself is to count my blessings because they are important. And if you don’t mind I would like to point out some of yours.


  • As old as it may feel you are still young enough and have your whole future ahead of you. I am 28 years old and wish I started on the journey of perfecting (or trying to perfect) myself when I was 23. In my opinion the younger you are the less damage you caused to yourself or others and that is something to be grateful for.
  • Although it feels like hell when you see all of your friends getting married having children and moving on with their lives, I can almost assure you they are doing it physically and not mentally. What do I mean by that? I myself as a person who got married at 22 and have kids I don’t know if I was mentally living in the moment as I was physically. These are small parts when the 2 were both there, like my wedding, FIRST child’s birth, but most of the other moments I wasn’t there mentally because I was always thinking about lust, porn, and acting out. Other normal people might be in the same boat minus the porn, lust part. They could be constantly thinking about sports, money, business, or whatever they’re into. Being aware of your faults early on can help work on yourself without having any obligations & distractions and help you learn how to live in the moment.
  • Another great think about being single right now is the fact that you didn’t experience the guilt of acting out, watching porn, or doing whatever you’re into behind someone’s back. That guilt can kill you. Let alone the pain the other person feels when they find out what’s been going on this whole time. It’s a feeling I hope no one will ever have to experience.

You are right. NO ONE can do this alone and I decided to join SA because nothing else was working. It sounds like you’re trying to make the right steps by being vulnerable and open with your father which a applaud. Maybe try to see a therapist or join and 12 step program to help better ease your recovery.

Re: It’s time to face reality. 14 Feb 2019 20:18 #338982

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I have been seeing a therapist for some time but even with him i was uncomfortable disclosing my true self. But after telling my father it became easier and i told my therapist as well. I plan on entering a 12 step program soon as i really want to start the road to recovery and keep the momentum going.

Re: It’s time to face reality. 15 Feb 2019 01:13 #338992

  • ColinColin
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Nomore24

Well done for writing on here, seeing a therapist and going into the 12 Step Programme.

I am a lot older than you and please accept my opinion that at 23 years of age you are still young.
You have a lot of time to figure out why you look at porn, and to change it.

Not everyone gets married at 20.
I know that in the Yeshiva word it is common, but even if you got married at 25 it would still be young compared to some Torah observant but non Yeshiva Jews.

One of the most piuos Yidden I know got married at 26, Hashem has blessed him with a nice family of observant Jews and he is now in his 40's...he davens three times per day, keeps a Kosher home and goes to Shiurim nearly every night.

Many people at 23 are not even AWARE they would have a porn problem...so figure out why you use porn, make the changes needed, and look forward to a long and healthy life.
Last Edit: 15 Feb 2019 01:14 by ColinColin.

Re: It’s time to face reality. 15 Feb 2019 16:04 #338995

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Wow I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had reached out in my youth. The closest I ever came was my pops walking in on me jerking off.. and he just closed the door and didn't say anything to me. I talked about it a couple times with my son to open the door. - You must have a very special realtionship with your dad if you could do that. Would talking with him further be helpful? 

Re: It’s time to face reality. 15 Feb 2019 16:56 #338998

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i unfortunately don’t have a special relationship with him. He has been emotionally distant his entire life and i have never spoken with him much. But he’s a rational man and i know ultimately he loves me and wants what’s best for me. Even though i never felt it. So i turned to him as my last resort. כרחם אב על בנים

Re: It’s time to face reality. 18 Feb 2019 13:49 #339039

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Then that only addds to the power of your actions and strength of your character. 

Re: It’s time to face reality. 28 Mar 2019 03:54 #340104

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Well, its been almost two months since I started my journey to recovery and all I can say is that its been a very transformative period. I started out by learning as much as I could myself and from others about the symptoms i was exhibiting. As it turns out, I am an addict and not just someone who would occasionally act out of compulsion. This of course was a very hard admission to make, but with time it became impossible to see it any other way. However, as the initial shock of this admission to myself starts to fade, I almost feel a certain happiness that I now have an understanding of the problem and can therefore work the solution. I was introduced to SA meetings and the 12 steps about a month ago, and although I have a long long journey to go, it is the first time I see a solution that may just work. 

Re: It’s time to face reality. 14 Apr 2019 05:48 #340575

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Good luck in the rest of your journey.. whatever path you take to achieve your goal hope you will take at least some of us along with you. Friends without real names and identities can be very impactful on one's life.
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