Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation. 

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting! 

Welcome, Guest
Welcome to our forum! Introduce yourself here (anonymously, of course) and get a warm welcome from the rest of the community!

TOPIC: My Story 6289 Views

Re: My Story 15 Jul 2018 16:51 #333432

  • cordnoy
  • Current streak: 211 days
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Moderator
  • I'm sailin', for I've got to be free
  • Posts: 11263
  • Karma: 518
JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 16:36:

grateful4life wrote on 15 Jul 2018 14:20:

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 13:38:

mzl wrote on 15 Jul 2018 10:23:

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 06:49:
I need some advice. When I first posted my story it wasn't the full story since I needed to get used to simply posting in the first place. One of the problems that I face when it comes to desire is my wife's lack of interest. Often times she will show herself to be interested during the day and at night say that she's tired and go to sleep. This happens frequently and there are times when 1, 2, 3, or even 4 weeks go by. Needless to say this makes things more difficult for me. Does anyone have a similar experience? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!

This is what I do: at the moment she shows interest I tell this to myself, in my head: "I cannot know for sure that I'll be able to have s** with her tonight."

The point is you can't really know the future, there could be an urgent phone call, medical emergency, she forgot she had an appointmenf, the kids won't go to sleep, she got a headache, she got angry at me ...

On a practical level, she may be working too hard, so she's always tired.

To explain a little bit more. She is interested almost always during the day and tells me to wait till the night only to say she's tired. If this happened once in while then I could understand it but it happens regularly. In fact she is most interested when we are not allowed/can't be together for whatever reason. Its when it comes down to things that things change. Perhaps there are times when its just a loving touch (like cordnoy wrote) but more often than not its very clear that that's not the case. Also its not like we haven't spoken about this openly. I already know full well that 19/20 time she's interested during the day she's not interested at night so in my mind its not as difficult as it used to be to but it makes my struggle that much more difficult. She does work very hard but like I mentioned it happens almost all the time. I guess there really isn't much that I can do? Thoughts anyone?

I assume you've had an open and honest discussion with your wife about this (when you were both calm). 
How did that go?

In a nutshell she agreed that she has a problem and went to therapy for it. Didn't seem to help too much though...

mzl (I haven't figured out how to separate the quotes) - It definitely helps me not to have expectations. However, the problem is that being an addict when I have my wife being all interested and all is still at the very least a trigger. Even if I don't actually watch anything problematic it makes it much much harder to watch my eyes etc. 

Cordnoy - I try very much to put her first. Without going in to too many details whenever she isn't interested and we are together anyway it doesn't feel good at all. In fact it feels almost like rape even if she is willing (but not interested). You are most definitely right that this addiction boils down to anochiyus. Yet even with that said it feels like even if I totally overcome this struggle it won't make her more interested but I guess once it's not about me anymore then I won't care. To me that seems like an extremely high level and impossible for me to attain such lofty heights even with the "one day at a time" approach. By the way, I really took tons out from what I read from your threads. It's probably going to take me a good while to finish reading them though. I very much identify with many aspects of what you went through and I really appreciate you being there for someone else who could use the help. Thank you

Good stuff.

No need to get on a high level in one minute or two. I'm still tryin'.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My Story 16 Jul 2018 06:10 #333474

  • JoyOfLife
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 4
mzl wrote on 15 Jul 2018 16:42:
Ummm, I think you haven't tried it. This one is not about expectations, it's about the future. Expectations is a different idea.

I guess I didn't understand what you meant. I thought you meant that don't expect that just because she is feeling one way now that that will be the case later. If you meant otherwise please clarify what you meant exactly, thanks

Also, as far as being altruistic for yourself I believe that its a great way to start - mitoch shelo lishma thinking. Ultimately the end goal is to be as much like Hashem as possible. I know I'm playing devils advocate since a few posts ago I told cordnoy that I'm not on such a level but I think that at least on a theoretical level and as a long term goal that it is a worthwhile one. 

Cordony - It's going to take me forever to read all those posts. Do you think you could pass some tips my way that helped you out? BH, I'll go through the posts but until then I need something concrete to work with if that's possible.

Thank you for everyone for really being extremely helpful and caring, it make the struggle that much easier so you guys get a huge piece of the zechus, thanks!

Re: My Story 16 Jul 2018 09:43 #333483

  • mzl
  • Current streak: 28 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 996
Sure. It's a subtle difference. Predicting the future vs expecting someone to behave a certain way. You can tell the difference when you think about how these thoughts make you feel. A wife expects her husband to put down the toilet seat and feels angry when he doesn't. I would call that an expectation. When you see that she wants it early in the day and you start thinking about s** you are predicting the future. Once night comes around, you may also then expect it, you might, as a result, feel angry if she doesn't provide. But say when night rolls around she becomes niddah, you won't be angry at her because it's not her fault. You are not expecting her to have s** when she is niddah. So you don't feel angry. But you still have the problem that you want s** as a result of predicting s** all afternoon.
Last Edit: 16 Jul 2018 09:46 by mzl.

Re: My Story 16 Jul 2018 11:04 #333484

  • JoyOfLife
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 4
mzl wrote on 16 Jul 2018 09:43:
Sure. It's a subtle difference. Predicting the future vs expecting someone to behave a certain way. You can tell the difference when you think about how these thoughts make you feel. A wife expects her husband to put down the toilet seat and feels angry when he doesn't. I would call that an expectation. When you see that she wants it early in the day and you start thinking about s** you are predicting the future. Once night comes around, you may also then expect it, you might, as a result, feel angry if she doesn't provide. But say when night rolls around she becomes niddah, you won't be angry at her because it's not her fault. You are not expecting her to have s** when she is niddah. So you don't feel angry. But you still have the problem that you want s** as a result of predicting s** all afternoon.

Sorry, I'm just not getting it. When my wife shows interest I say to myself "probably nothing is going to come out of this" and therefore the disappointment is lessened significantly. In other words I'm not expecting anything to happen/I'm predicting the future that nothing will happen. However, its like a trigger that gets me interested at least similar to looking to inappropriate things or not being careful with shmira einayim. Maybe expectations means different things to us and that's why there's a misunderstanding or I'm simply not getting what your saying. 

Re: My Story 16 Jul 2018 12:03 #333485

  • mzl
  • Current streak: 28 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 996
JoyOfLife wrote on 16 Jul 2018 11:04:

mzl wrote on 16 Jul 2018 09:43:
Sure. It's a subtle difference. Predicting the future vs expecting someone to behave a certain way. You can tell the difference when you think about how these thoughts make you feel. A wife expects her husband to put down the toilet seat and feels angry when he doesn't. I would call that an expectation. When you see that she wants it early in the day and you start thinking about s** you are predicting the future. Once night comes around, you may also then expect it, you might, as a result, feel angry if she doesn't provide. But say when night rolls around she becomes niddah, you won't be angry at her because it's not her fault. You are not expecting her to have s** when she is niddah. So you don't feel angry. But you still have the problem that you want s** as a result of predicting s** all afternoon.

Sorry, I'm just not getting it. When my wife shows interest I say to myself "probably nothing is going to come out of this" and therefore the disappointment is lessened significantly. In other words I'm not expecting anything to happen/I'm predicting the future that nothing will happen. However, its like a trigger that gets me interested at least similar to looking to inappropriate things or not being careful with shmira einayim. Maybe expectations means different things to us and that's why there's a misunderstanding or I'm simply not getting what your saying. 

No, that's what I meant. You may still get triggered because you think that if she is in the mood then you are bound to get turned on, so you have to deal with that. They are two independent problems.

Re: My Story 16 Jul 2018 14:35 #333487

  • JoyOfLife
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 4
Today is 7 days clean. Thanks to everyone for their advice/support especially to mzl and cordnoy. Hopefully I'll be able to keep this up and actually completely break out of this thing

Re: My Story 16 Jul 2018 16:02 #333490

  • JoyOfLife
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 4
Reb Yid wrote on 18 Jul 2013 06:13:
Hi Chevra!
It's been a real long time since I've posted on the forum. I've been really busy with my SA program, step work, and therapy, besides for all my "real life" stuff. This thread however brought up some good stuff for me and I wanted to share it. I recently shared this with an SA friend, and I'm sharing it here again.

"The main common denominator for me is the insane need to be in control. I've always fantasized about being in control - about forcing a woman to want me, and giving her pleasure whether she wanted it or not. Of knowing that she needed me to make her feel good.....

This is how I acted in the bedroom as well. All I ever wanted to do was give my wife the maximum pleasure possible. It was never about me. Ever. When people shared about their abuse of their wives in the bedroom, I totally could not relate. And so when I was told that I was not caring about my wife and that it was causing me all kinds of problems, I simply could not accept it. How am I not caring about her if I am ONLY trying to pleasure her?! It took a very long time for me to realize that all of my giving to her was really taking for my self!! I didn’t want to give her what she wanted. I only wanted to give her what I wanted her to want!! So if she wasn’t in the mood for a “mind blowing experience”, but I wanted her to have one, I was ticked off. This helped me to understand that it really was about me, and not her!!



This was a real turning point in my marriage and in my life in general. I realized how much the need to be in control dominated everything I did. Even when giving to others, I was really taking for myself.



Today, I try to live my life being real. If I want something for me, that’s ok, as long as I can be aware that it is really for me, not the other person. I can then try to work on being less selfish, and more giving - in the true sense of the word. As long as I thought I was a giving person, I couldn’t possibly work on my selfishness - because I wasn’t selfish at all! It was only when I was able to acknowledge that trait in myself, that I was able to attempt to work on it.



Thanks for helping me bring that out!"



Hatzlocha!!

Yosef S.
AKA: Reb Yid

PS - I really enjoyed all the posts here and the honesty and vulnerability. I especially appreciated Skeptical's stuff. It really spoke to me!! Thanks to all of you!!


When I saw this post I was floored! It make so much sense its hard to believe that I was blind to this. I mean, I feel like I'm a very giving person and focus on my wife's pleasure constantly especially in the bedroom. Yet the root of things doesn't necessarily come from giving and quite the opposite. I reposted this since I thought since it gave me chizuk it might give others some chizuk as well

Re: My Story 16 Jul 2018 16:54 #333492

  • mzl
  • Current streak: 28 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 996
Thank you. That really resonates with something I was talking about at work, basically that there is the way an organization is supposed to work and then there is the way it really works. And the way it really works determines if people in the organization are happy or sad. Whether they are "right" to feel that way or not. After I had this conversation, where I was doing all the talking, I realized that this applies very much to my wife. I think it pays for me to find out what would make her happier, and take it at face value. In fact, I would like her to do the same with me. But even if she doesn't and I do my family will be happier because she will be happier.

Re: My Story 19 Jul 2018 10:41 #333593

  • JoyOfLife
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 4
Yesterday, things were not great at all. If I didn't have a filter I probably would have fell unfortunately. I saw some spam emails that had inappropriate titles and probably would have visited the sites if I was able to despite knowing its probably going to cause to get a million hackers/viruses. I guess that's part of what a good filter is for and its a good reality check to remind me where I'm really holding. I need to start joining the phone conferences or something along those lines and get a move on working on the 12 steps

Re: My Story 23 Jul 2018 06:34 #333747

  • JoyOfLife
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 4
14 days! Its been a while since I was completely clean for 14 consecutive days! I really owe it to all the guys here at GYE, thank you

Re: My Story 24 Jul 2018 02:07 #333796

  • Hashem Help Me
  • Current streak: 1037 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1901
Mazel tov!! Keep it up.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My Story 29 Jul 2018 09:37 #334038

  • JoyOfLife
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 4
Earlier I fell. I found a way to get around my filter/accountability (albeit to a very limited degree). I already contacted the filter company requesting them to close this hole. Interestingly enough I don't feel particularly down and depressed. Perhaps its a good sign that I'm on the road to recovery? Or am I simply more desensitized? It seems more like the former option since its been almost 3 weeks since I last acted out at all

Re: My Story 29 Jul 2018 10:57 #334045

  • mzl
  • Current streak: 28 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 996
JoyOfLife wrote on 29 Jul 2018 09:37:
Earlier I fell. I found a way to get around my filter/accountability (albeit to a very limited degree). I already contacted the filter company requesting them to close this hole. Interestingly enough I don't feel particularly down and depressed. Perhaps its a good sign that I'm on the road to recovery? Or am I simply more desensitized? It seems more like the former option since its been almost 3 weeks since I last acted out at all

I think it makes sense that if your method to stay clean assumes that your filtering works, then you enjoy the benefits and you also don't learn how to deal with a computer without filtering. You can't have it both ways (and to me it sounds like an acceptable trade.) But then the filtering has to be reliable.

At the moment if they took down GYE for six months for maintenance (an absurd possibility) I would end up choosing to act out again because that's my motivation.

Re: My Story 29 Jul 2018 11:45 #334046

  • JoyOfLife
  • Current streak: 6 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 73
  • Karma: 4
Agreed that I don't learn how to deal with unfiltered internet which is the main reason why I hang out here in the first place (take a look at my first post). Despite that I think my filter is super important to stop me. Lately I've been questioning whether I fall into the category of an addict at all since I most definitely did fall into that category but the more time passes the more it seems to be a smaller issue. Perhaps its because I am forced not to act out it creates the change - chitzoniyus meiros es hapnimius? As far as gye goes, with this private chat thing down we don't know what will happen

Re: My Story 29 Jul 2018 13:02 #334047

  • mzl
  • Current streak: 28 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 996
JoyOfLife wrote on 29 Jul 2018 11:45:
Agreed that I don't learn how to deal with unfiltered internet which is the main reason why I hang out here in the first place (take a look at my first post). Despite that I think my filter is super important to stop me. Lately I've been questioning whether I fall into the category of an addict at all since I most definitely did fall into that category but the more time passes the more it seems to be a smaller issue. Perhaps its because I am forced not to act out it creates the change - chitzoniyus meiros es hapnimius? As far as gye goes, with this private chat thing down we don't know what will happen

It's super important, that's the point.
Time to create page: 0.56 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes