Hi,
I am new here. And even though I am hiding behind an anonymous screen name, I somehow still feel embarrassed to "publicly" talk about my struggles...to put myself and my weaknesses on display...

Ive been struggling on and off for years...Ive had some good clean streaks but always ended up back in the gutter. I hoped marriage would be the answer to all this and it did help me stay clean for a while (over a year) but ultimately I ended up right back where I was. Im terrified that my wife will find out and our beautiful marriage will go to pieces. I cant imagine a marriage could ever be normal once a wife finds out something like that.
Honestly, I would say my marriage is my biggest driver to just finally stop falling. I am frum, went to yeshivas etc etc and I do want to be a better Jew, but my drive to really change is so that I can live comfortably with my wife and stop fearing that she may someday find out. I cant bear to think about how it would hurt her. That would ruin my life.

Im not sure where Im heading with this...just sort of rambling because these thoughts/struggles/fears just float around in my head and never really get let out. In a strange way, it actually feels really good typing this and letting it all out.
Any thoughts, chizuk etc?
(Ive tried the taphsic method here before. Taphsic method for me = many broken shvuos with hashems name in vain)
Im honestly not sure where to go from here...

Welcome holy yid. I know that you can truly be happy and free from this addiction. My sponsor helped me and I got to almost sixty days and counting. It feels so relieving to know that I don’t have to run and look at every or any girl on the street or stare at pictures of half dressed women on the computer screen( since the real bad stuff gets filtered). I feel free. You can also. Share your story subscribe to the emails and get a GOOD computer filter. Read some old posts and see what works for you. Maybe a conference call or even a SA meeting.
Stay positive and know that you can get out of this situation.
wishing you hatzlacha

Welcome, You should have much Hatzlocha.
Some people have found that the wife finding out really helped them. I personally can't bring myself to tell my wife. It is better for the wife to find out something which was in the past history versus finding out that you are actively looking at porn.
Look around, we are all here to help each other. Feel free to read other people's stories and reach out to the ones that resonate with you.

Hatzlocha Rabba

Welcome.
Great first step.
Getting this out of your own head is extremely relieving.
I know the feeling.
There is a forum for married guys. Obviously, stick around here. But perhaps you'll find that one helpful as well. 
May you have many more great steps. 

Welcome aboard. We're all on a journey, but GYE's a great dock to start from.

re tophsic - I also don't use it and I know of many others that don't as well, but some have told me that the reason that it didn't work for me is because it is not supposed to be a shevuah not to fall. It's a whole system of delaying the fall, and often avoiding it completely, but if someone follows the rules and still falls he hasn't broken any shvuos (because lust addiction isn't stopped by a simple shevuah).. It's actually a pretty interesting idea  - (for example, one can say that if he has an urge to use his phone for a particular use, he has to first learn b'iyun for 5 minutes. He might still fall after learning, but most often just the thought of learning b'iyun in that frame of mind will make him decide to fall a different time. Making a shvuah not to fall altogether is usually doomed to failure (at least in my experience).

There are many many different paths to stopping, and hanging around the forum, and talking to (even emailing) other people is a tremendous help.

Hatzlacha rabba
sg

Thank you all...
Very sweet, and nice to have support

Yidyidyid wrote on 15 May 2018 21:19:

Welcome with open arms !

the support IS in fact a powerful assistance to us in this challenge 

Hatzlacha stick around

Welcome!  I was in your situation.  My wife caught me about 9 years ago.  It was hell.  We worked through it.  I found this site a little while later, and it made all the difference.  I opened up to real people (not just on the forum, but in real life).  I joined Dov's phone call.  I gained a lot from that.

It is scary, but opening up to a real person and sharing your struggles can really help.  90 days, taphsic are "comfortable", but don't help that much for most people.  It will take some real courage to take "uncomfortable" steps to really recover. May Hashem give you the strength to take "real" steps to "real" recovery.