You mean my point about white knucking?  I mean that it sounds like you are constantly fighting.  It's really hard to have long-term sobriety that way.  Recovery is a new way of living where you are not generally struggling all the time.

Ye I am pretty much constantly fighting. 

Interesting... I'm not even sire I believe that.
Unless we have different definitions fir "constantly" or "fighting"

Mentallyhealthy wrote on 06 Feb 2018 20:42:

I was not talking about females, I was talking about males. I think that it would be very helpful for you to have a mutual MALE friend who helps you when you are down and you help when he is down. If you have been trying and I mean opening up to them (sometimes people don't want to open up to their friends about how they are feeling, because they want to project an image of perfection) and they categorically reject caring about you, I suggest you look elsewhere.
GYE is an especially likely place to find someone who can develop into a mutual friend as people here are humbled by the fact they are here,and looking to give and receive.

Thanks. I know youre talking about males. 
I was saying that the closes thing I got to a friend were girls in the past. 
I have been looking for a male friend.
what I think youre misunderstanding is that i I dont need a friend to confide in when I'm feeling lust. 
I need a friend. Period. Then I wouldn't have as much lust which I believe is stemming from feeling down which I believe is stemming from not having a friend who just actually cares about me and HIMSELF. Meaning he is a good person. Really legitimately working on himself. I cant even really believe that I'm still looking for a friend to the point that I'm writing this here. 
I dont think theres much of me left that believes that to have a good person in my life who's also a friend is gonna have to wait till I'm married. And I'm gonna have to suck it up till then. Whenever that will be.

Mentallyhealthy wrote on 06 Feb 2018 20:45:

I lived with constant fighting (over 20 years worth).  I rarely do now (for 6+ years, the first 2 years of my sobriety, I was struggling).  There are many others like me.  It's hard to believe until you do it.  First, make sure you have gedarim in place.  Next, work on the triggers that lead you to act out.  If you are acting out as a result of some trigger (stress, anxiety, depression, lonliness, anger, etc.) than learning to deal with the negative feelings in a healthy way will significantly reduce the amount of struggling.  Have you checked out the dov quotes.  They are very good, and there is a link to them in my signaure.

Mentallyhealthy wrote on 06 Feb 2018 21:03:

I said to reach out to a friend when you are down not lusting.
I believe that loneliness causes pain and the body tries to lust to soothe that pain.
I have met many people on GYE who fit all your descriptions of a friend.
I think you can too and I think you would be better off now and after you get married if you had such friends.

I was in an SA meeting years ago and during a break out session one of the participants said he fell after 2-3 years and felt that he lost everything.  I told him then, and I am telling you now(and telling me too), "true you have fallen, but not all the way back to when you started.  You have fallen onto a high plateau that took you 2-3 years to climb up to. The crucial point is to start climbing again."  We learn from our struggles and can grow from them if we don't despair.  Listen to the advice that the wise men of GYE disburse and take advantage of the tools that are available to you.
Hatzlacha and Kol Tuv.
chaimyakov

Whats it called?

welcome aboard! you are definitely in the right place. you are not alone in this at all. before i say anything i just want to mention that i do not have a clarity on your situation so it might sound like im missing the boat.
you mention that you are fighting yourself all day. i think its amazing that you stayed clean for 3 years while struggling the whole time, but i think that the feeling that you were "clean" is whats making your "fall" so much harder to deal with.
i am not trying to minimize your self control, just the opposite, i think that being that you had to fight the whole time is reason to give credit for the tremendous amount of gevurah you showed for 3 years. but i just want to try to change the definition you have in your head for clean and fall. fighting means you are thinking about not thinking about it. this is not "clean". it means lust is always in your head but you are trying not to act out on it. at any second you weaken for whatever reason, (even because you are just lacking sleep or hungry), you are prone to fall. so if you fall, its not like you really failed in your sobriety, you really are in the same place you always were as far as lusting is concerned, but that place is not a good place.
what im trying to say is that your "fall" wasnt a failure so no need to give up. but maybe this should shed light on where to "begin" your journey to be clean. the tachlis should be that its not in your head so you wont feel like fighting it as others had already mentioned.
hatzlacha rabba!!
p.s. when replying to a specific post click on "reply" on that post, not reply topic. 

thanks. I think you actually get it pretty well from the limited information I'm giving about my situation. 
I had thought about what you said earlier albeit in a different light. ... Like, I was aiming for perfection and since I had it for so long, eventually I was thinking that as long as I dont act out, I'm clean. I guess that's wrong. And being clean means keeping my mind clean. In that case I really have to figure out how the heck to do that.  I learned chassidus (I'm saying I learned because for a while I haven't...) And I really just want the essence of the Aibishter. "I want nothing but YOU" but now I'm seeing... Actually I dont even remember where I was going with that. Sorry. Laugh if you don't know what to do with this reply ...

What did you do in the past 3 years when you felt lonely?



From where did you quote  "I want nothing but You" which implies that you want the essence of g-d?

Mentallyhealthy wrote on 07 Feb 2018 02:38:

Welcome!

I hear of your loneliness. I too wish I had a good friend. I'm married and my wife is my best friend. But that's pretty much it. Shul's hard, all things really. I feel you.
Stick around. I also recommend the Dov quotes.

Just deal with it really. Know that I'm BeZH so on gonna get married. And this is the life Hashem wants me to live until then. So I focus on me and HIM rather then me and friends...

Thanks. Whay do you mean shul is hard?

im gonna do some guessing again. i have the feeling that you have an extreme yetzer horah to lust and fantasize. i dont think you suffer from addiction, as you yourself questioned. the root of "i want nothing but You" is used for one of 2 things. either its an extremely high madreiga in dveikus (i think the baal hatanya said it on yom kippur), which im assuming we are not holding by, or its a method used by addicts who are desperate and realize that they are out of control, so their only root to stay sane and not fall is to surrender to Hashem.
i know i may get killed for this, but i think this mehalech is dangerous for a non addict. its the road from desperation to giving up. this leads to justification... ill stop here. again, i might have not understood what you were saying but this is my assumption.
i think that you should stay away from that root, and realize that you have the ability to pull yourself out of your matzav and live a normal life. i dont know you enough to give ideas, but maybe you should find something in yourself that gives you sipuk and satisfaction, and make it part of your life. for example, if you enjoy music and think you can compose, learn how to do it and let your mind occupy itself with that. whatever, im rambling but you get the idea.
again i might get killed for this, but marriage may be a big help for you if it helps you settle down and focus on real life. Hatzlacha!!