My name is ...actually forget that. I am a little concerned with revealing my identity. 
actually speaking of identity (that isn't my name) I'm a jew. A son and servant of Hashem. 
 I'm not sure if I'm an addict but after 3 years of intense. And I mean intense struggling, I failed. Today. I dont even know what to do with myself. There's a certain part of me that knows: Dovid, (fake name) just move on... There's also a part of me that's just numb and lind of wants to ignore this moment's existence. 

I would describe myseld as a person who is (and has the time to) always be learning Torah, but I pretty much am just being sur meirA all day and no aseh tov really happens. I'm just kind of a wandering soul struggling to stay as clean as possible in this dirt filled world.
...but .. Idk. I really don't even know anything right now. ANY THING. I dont even know why the heck I'm still typing this.
I just know there's a G D and he is Good. Bless G D.

hi im sorry to hear what happened to you ,it must be very disappointing to you after 3 solid yers to fall, if it helps any,i fell after 11 years unfortunately(i was in kollel for 10 years when i fell ),i(little not expert me) would say -just move on-youll deal with falling for a later day.
may i ask 2 questions
1.if  youre learning all day ,what do you mean that your  not doing aseh tov,thats the biggest aseh tov there is?
2.what do you mean that your doing sur mayra the whole time,are thoughts constantly bothering you?

please dont let the thought, i just fell ,what good is my learning,davening etc....im tamei....,enter your mind ,its not true ,your avodas Hashem  is very chaviv in the eyes of Hashem the sefer Nefesh Hachaim says that Talmud Torah fixes up all aveiros including this,the streets are full of tuma ,we have no one being mechazek us ,we are a dor yasom,an orphaned generation,whatever you could do ,do ,dont let the yetzer hara be mevalbel,confuse,your thoughts.the best i would say is if you have a Rebbi,  or a Gadol,to talk to him.BH you found gye when you fell, i hope you can find what  you came looking for here.Chazak Chazak!

Mentallyhealthy wrote on 06 Feb 2018 05:31:

great so you know there is a god and that he is good do you know  that there is a you and that you are good
recovery should be with hatzlocho stick around don't let yourself get depressed

Welcome to a place where everyone here can personally relate to your struggle and accompanying feelings. Those of us that stick around are bh all in a much better place than when we joined. Iyh you will get there too,

Thanks for taking the time to type out the above.  I jus re-read what I wrote... I wasnt clear. 
I meant to  say that I am a person that is "officially" learning Torah all day.  But instead I'm doing things like -"Just breathe dovid". Just breathe"... Yes because I'm bothered all day by this smart yetzer hara.

hi ,i hear you, excuse me for my assumption ,but i assume your not married?do you have a Rebbi that you can approach and say" i need an eitza,i cant learn a word or almost a word because my yetzer hara is driving me crazy."my yetzer hara was driving me crazy before  i got married  ,i  started mb when i was 15 till a year and a half before my chasuna, i wish you hatzlacha i dont know if this is the FIRST piece of advice that should be given to you , but there are non addictive medicine that are out there that takes off the edge and sharpness  of this taava if its something thats harasing you the whole day,ill let the other guys on gye  scream at me for this advice if its a terrible idea. hatzlacha raba and chazak!

I just heard a new pshat in אפילו ריקנין שבך מלאים מצוות כרמון from R' Moshe Weinberger.
Many people are doing mitzvos all day long. We go to shul and daven three times a day, mit kavanah ochet. We learn, give tzedakah, do chessed. But we're empty inside. That's how I feel, and maybe you also do. I'm not sure what the mussar haskel is but you're a lamdan so maybe you will figure it out and enlighten me/us.

I am sensing your genuinity in your un- thought-out reply. (Its a good thing:cry:) ...so, I'll tell you a little bit more about myself. 
Youre right. I am a bochur. Though I officially signed up here as married because I want all the honest help I can get.  If I would have known I was actually gonna use this forum to talk about myself, I never would've said I'm married because my problem in essence stems from the fact that I'm unmarried and therefore I must adress that. 

I don't mean that I'm fascinated by sex and can't wait...etc... (Of course that does play a certain part of my problem) And NO I dont think marriage is all about sex. (I DO know people friends and older guys who think this and either they're either already not keeping a very frum house, or in an unhappy marriage, or they're still single and I worry for them...) 

...My main issue though is that I'm lonely. Extremely lonely. I'm popular and loved by many and even a public figure in a certain sense... But I genuinely feel that no one understands me or respects me. Aside for perhaps 2 or 3 rabbis who are incredible people but not my friends .
I do speak to them (but not so openly). 

Thanks. Somehow it evokes a "off" feeling in me. But ill think about it.

As someone who also experiences loneliness, I will share two things that I do:
when I am feeling lonely I question why and try to see fi there is way of uncover what is causing it to bother me more acutely at a specific time and deal with that, (basically treating loneliness as a symptom) and when I don't have the energy for that, I bite the bullet and call friends and depending how I am feeling either tell them I am feeling lonely or just stam schmooze with them.

Wow!  3 years is quite an accomplishment!  It sounds like you are doing relatively well.  Check out the handbook.  It may help you take the next step.  It sounds like you are white knuckling.  You have identified lonliness as a trigger.  That is very good.  How can you address the lonliness?  Getting married is not the only way.  Keep posting.  It is a warm and friendly community here. 

Thanks.
Not sure I understand what you mean with your first point. 
your second point is good. But my problem isnt that I don't have friends around me. I do. In fact I even have friends that will pay to hang out with me but those are usually guys I dont consider my equal and I'm usually the one giving in the relationship...
other friends love having me around but they don't really respect or listen to me. 
Its been like this for as long as I can remember.

Yeah. I am. Or was. 
Now I'm internally drained and feeling low though I know that this is exactly what I should not feel.
I can already see how this can create a cycle where to get out of this feeling, I may just do it again.

Then you need friends that are there for you, not people to look up to you and people you can take care of.
Yes a marriage should be a mutual relationship but friendships can also be, why not try to get some mutual friendships? Look for people that also care about you.

Well said. 
Ive been looking forever. The closest thing I got was 3 girls that at different ages I was in a relationship with. (No touching) 
I actually didn't MB the whole relationship with any of them because I felt, since she gets lart it the aveira..I can't do that to her...

One girl ended it saying I'm too religious for her. And I ended it with the other 2 after realizing that they're just being what I like about them, only because I like that.