Hello I am Mika sexolic. It's been five years since I know your site and I try to go back and forth between the Brotherhood and nothing.
I am 38 years old and married; I live in France where there are few SA groups but there are some. I have an important addiction, solitary, which began with pornography, internet, then worsened (salons, paid meetings ...); it almost went to divorce when I confessed everything to my wife but she understood that I was sick. The problem is that I had trouble finding my treatment. I think I was at a point where I understood that I had no choice: my treatment is SA and the 12 steps, I must be "compliant" that is to say take my treatment. I need you to find the right dosage. Thank you because I know you to read for 5 years, including Rav Dov whose words are incredibly deep .... and I want to follow. I use Google translation because my level of English is average (very French attitude . Behatslaha

Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha.

B'Hatzlacha, Reb Yid! It's gevaldik that you came here and come onto the site. Make sure to trust the process of the treatment you use.

Welcome. All the best in your voyage to long term sobriety. As well, your level of English is quite satisfactory

Welcome. Keep posting.

I had falls but I keep going to the meetings and follow the treatment of SA; I'll be more regular in my posts here and my follow up thanks to you friends

Do exactly that. Consistency with a plan works! Keep on with the program and you will iyh taste success.

Hello friends, Complianttosa sexolic sober for three days. I wanted to tell you a little more in detail my career. I knew GYE 4 years ago and realized that I was neither crazy nor bad but just sick. Unfortunately for me the problems have gotten worse because I refused treatment. I was not compliant. What did these 12 steps mean? Would I really call each time I had a trigger? And then I found myself full of excuses: no physical group in France, no real SA activity, and finally I came to tell me that I was sick but not that much ... It was important to avoid "big relapses" because I was not content with pornography and long nights in front of the internet; I had long since taken the plunge, and I had experimented with everything that was the worst (salons, telephone, meetings with escort ...). But I thought that if I managed to remove the big falls, even if I kept a little "masturbation", it suited. it worked for a year: a little filter, motivation due to "the sacred struggle", fear of Hashem because my wife was pregnant: I stayed a year without seeing prostitutes. Unfortunately, a few months after giving birth, everything has come back much worse. I lost control completely. Hashem sent us a funny voice so that I finally understood that I had to accept my helplessness: by a combination of circumstance, my nervousness and my irritability because of the lust, made panick my wife who had to take a new job and she let him down ... to regret it a few days later.

It followed an extremely painful period when I almost divorced, and continue to fall to the lowest. But many miracles took place. First a sincere return of my wife to Hashem, and a flattening of my illness in front of her. Then the link with the French Guard of GYE by email exchanges that helped me a lot to get into the program and understand it. Then finally the approach to go to SA group in France where I live. There is only one, once a week at an hour from home at a time that does not help me. Too bad, I need it, I have to go and I have no choice. I am totally helpless in the face of lust. I am just beginning to understand the first step. The slightest trace of lust will eventually make me fall completely. So I can more easily understand the program. For example, last night after Shabbat I wanted to masturbate I was sad: I prayed and did Hitbodedout. That's what I wanted. Talk to Hashem. Otherwise, even if I stopped in time, it could have ended up killing me. Thanks to Hashem for leading my steps here. I know he will help me stay sober, day in and day out.

Wow! What a post. Courage honesty and determination to do whatever it takes. You are a role model for all of us. Keep it up and keep posting. SA may only be once a week but the forum is available 24/6. Keeping time zones in mind, you can speak with the chevra here around the clock too. Hatzlocha.

complianttosa wrote on 03 Dec 2017 11:23:

Welcome,

Nice to hear that you're on a recovery path.

I too went to SA meetings for almost a year, at an inconvenient time, and the drive was an hour away. Helped save my life though.

B'hatzlachah

I know a Chaver that speaks french well 
He was at the convention in Lille last month
did you meet him there

Isaac

There is indeed a group in Lille (North of France) older than in Paris, and we have contacts What's up together: it helps a lot! My godfather is Jewish and lives in Paris we go in the same group; He speaks English and has the chance to attend David Chaim's classes or Dov's conf call. My English level is not good enough for that. that does not prevent me from immersing myself in these teachings by him, or my friend who is the French Guard. But the more contacts I have, the better.
4 years ago, I could not accept this principle of calling whenever I wanted: obviously, I could not accept that I had all the time want! Every woman I met, I wanted her. My imagination was my worst enemy.
Whatever the reason: I probably have a typical path (psychotic mother, little real love received, excessive need to be admired, deep anguish, need of a protective imaginary world ...). The problem is to admit it.
I had to touch the bottom, and the bottom went very far for me; but even there, I could have fallen lower alone. What saved me is to see my wife suffer through my fault, my condition, she who has almost me in the world, to the point of making a suicide attempt. Horrible is not it? But even that, at the time, did not stop my madness (the next day I even made the worst fall of my life).
But the bottom comes months after, in any case a state of depression, sadness, incomprehension: what is wrong with me? After this terrible fall, I wandered for months, with passages to the daily act, and real meetings every three weeks.
My second real connection to SA was last July: my wife and children had gone on holiday for a week: instead of taking advantage of it to advance projects at work, rest, enjoy walks, meditate, study. ... I just fell (salons, pink phone, new salons, no control). My life was nothing but emptiness. Fortunately, FrenchGuard responded to my emails, desperate, where I told my story; he accepted my anger, my desire not to believe it any more, my disappointment also because there is almost no SA group in France: 'then the only solution is the 12 steps and there is no not at home, so I have to die this is it? "I was revolted, even against Hashem (precision: I do not come from a religious background, and if I had officially made Teshuva,I do not have a strictly orthodox life, I went to the cinema ... above all, my falls and my sexolism made me doubt my faith, to waste a time my religion (I did not actually make Shabbat, I did not eat more strictly hide ....)).
I had suffered too much that the Torah had not healed me, my prayers, my wishes had not healed me.
FrenchGuard patiently explained to me, week after week, the principles of the first 3 steps; luckily the holidays were coming: I had a sober period of 28 days (my record!), but on my return, at work, a very strong relapse: FrenchGuard, whom I had on the phone for the first time at that moment, helped me. And I was able to get in touch with the small group SA France. I took time but went to a meeting; then I started to panic; then I went back there; then I panicked again .... I could not let go. "What do not you happen to give up?" asked me a sober friend for several years. It was this morning when I began to read the AA Big Book that I found in the text what I had: like some alcoholics, I thought that by keeping "one last bottle", I could become sober, but consume again without really falling. In short, not to be too strict on the eyes, the triggers, on everything, because in the end, I was not really sexolic? Black humor of a helpless total against lust. I still negotiated my cataclysmic journey sexolic. BH, I admit every moment my impotence. Any small place to lust will make me fall. Until my intimacy: she was hiding here, she was hiding in my imagination ... She must have no place! Never again! Every day, I have to hunt her and let go when she shows up.
This has led to radical but natural changes: I do not go to the movies anymore; I hardly see TV anymore. I avoid holidays and triggering places. I recognize before every woman that I meet, my impotence even if a single thought of lust touches me; and as I believe a lot in my work, I do it very often during the day. Either a prayer or a call (especially when I actually fantasized about a woman in the past and I did not really realize that). I am the program. I am compliant to SA.
Complianttosa, sexolic, sober for 4 days.

Wow thanks for sharing your story
very interesting and inspiring.
Keep it up.
When you send me your email address (in private) i can forward it to my french speaking friend.

Hello Compliantosa sexolic sober since 01/12/17; the day went well, bh. I lived my life fully, benefited from my work, was helpful to others. I made amends to my wife. The basis of everything is that I become aware of the immensity of the defects that I suffered and made others suffer: intense pride that made me belittle others without realizing it, and living in an imaginary world to ALWAYS run away from problems . Now, I try to live in this world, but otherwise: with Hashem constantly beside me, helping me because now I call him being honest. In truth, I try to do His will while for 38 years I wanted him to do the MINE. Thanks to the Program I am changing: my wife tells me every day, her only regret is that it did not come sooner. Tomorrow I will go bh to my weekly meeting SA. Good 24h.
PS: I don't understand how to send private message, contact me on my messages and I give you my mail.

done