I have not looked at any garbage for over a year, but in the past also I did not look for over a year and then again failed. I am disgusted with myself. I hate myself. I promised I will not do it but I failed again in the past.

Now it is over a year that I did not but in the past also I did not look for over a year then failed again.

 

Dear Userbt,

It sounds like you're psyching yourself up for a fall, h"v. Maybe it would be helpful to stop looking over your shoulder (i.e. "I'm bound to have a fall soon; it's been over a year!) you can concentrate on today: "Please, HaShem, let me get through today."

I feel the same way as you, Userbt, when I'm succeeding in something and I start worrying about "how long can this last?!" Remember: the tightrope walker does not think about all the steps he's taken so far and worry if he'll make to the other side. He just keeps concentrating on where he should put his foot for the next step.

We have to be like that, too. ODAAT is a helpful mantra.

Yeshar Koach! Keep trying and don't let the yaetzer pull you down!

So in the past you’ve done pretty well but you may have failed every now and then. Right now you’re doing great. What is there to hate?

WOW!! Thanks for sharing your progress. I can relate to your feeling. For me this is one of my Killers. It is either all or nothing. So when i see that I fell after 690 days (Yes, this actually Happened to me) it was very painful. I was ashamed and felt like a failure. I also felt the pain of loss, of all this hard work of close to two years.

These feelings are not necessarily true, but they are true feelings that I had to and some times still have to feel.

What did I do?
Well, I tried to validate my feelings. I told myself that these are feelings and I wont have to feel like that all my life. I also started working my recovery One day at time, where i dont look for the most back, and I dont look forward. I focus on today only try to stay clean and connect to Hashem that He should help me stay clean. BH  I am currently clean for 294 days, one day at a time.

Feel free to reach out to me for anything I may be helpful to you

Welcome. You shared some tough feelings. Maybe reach out to someone by phone and work it through. Many people would love to be where you are up to. As disgusted as you are in yourself, you really are a hero. Tell yourself that as you stand in front of a mirror. Keep posting and connecting with the oilam and iyh you will be an even bigger hero.

Welcome!  You are doing better than most.  Focus on your success.

Hi userbt,
you have earn 2 full clean years, which you will never ever loose.
i wish i would be in your shoes.
so just start focusing on how much clean months you could add,
and stop thinking from falls.
everybody here (or every human) has falls, but not everybody has 2 clean years.
so start working on a third year!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hatzlacha

I can relate to the same feelings as you. One of my main problems is perfectionism. I had a period of over a year clean and one day just gave in. That was it for a long time. That has been the general pattern, usually going a few weeks until giving up and then bingeing for a while. It’s the all or nothing mentality. I finally reached out and got help. It has still been up and down but I’m on a better track now. I stopped counting days clean. When I did it was all about the number and after a fall I couldn’t move on. Now I take each day individually. I am a few months clean. 

Find what works for you. It’s worth reaching out for help if you are in the position to do so. Also, why do you hate yourself? That’s not fair to you. You have challenges like everyone and have been successful a lot of the time. No one is perfect. 

Another thing. You said that you promised that you will never fail again. Maybe scale that back a little. That would be a little intense for me to promise never to fall again. Obviously the goal is not to fall but it may be easier in the bigger picture to take it one day or one week at a time. Not to say that after one clean week it’s ok to give up. 

Anyway, good luck and keep up the good work.