Hi, after a really good chat with my twin brother, over a couple of beers, he recommended this website for me. This is really the first time I have opened up about this subject, so it is a bit difficult, so bear with. (here goes...)
I am 26 years old. I come from a frum, yekkish/yeshivish/litvish backround. Films where officially not allowed in our house, but we always managed to somehow smuggle in something to watch in our spare time. Nothing too bad as far as I remember, like 'friends' or michael macintire stand up comedy, 'war films' (the're clean after all!) and basically whatever we could get our hands on. Occasionally our father would walk in (always at the cringy parts, of course), and make a face or comment, but never put his foot down.
Then in 2006 ( I remember, because i know what film it was) I saw a sex scene in a film, and as I was 15 years old, I felt a weird good sensation, and after inspecting myself, I saw, what I now know to have been, some sperm. I don't remember much afterwards, but pretty quickly I had taught myself how to masturbate and pretty soon I was doing it quite regularly, approx twice a day, though I really cannot remember.
Ever since I can remember (seriously), I have had a fetish for tights/stockings etc, (as a toddler, I distinctly remember trying on my mother's tights, and feeling the smoothness against my leg (wow, thats the first time I have shared that with anyone!!!!)). I used this fetish, i.e I used to wear a pear of tights, to give myself additional pleasure during masturbation.
Now, I have always been a thinking boy, I consequently, I used to feel incredibly guilty and angry with myself. I remember during the winter months, going to mincha/maariv quite early, before anyone got to shul, and standing behind the peroches of the oroin hakodesh, saying viduy, promising not to fall again, or 'giving permission to Hashem' to punish me if I fell. I used to have a piece of paper in my wallet with big bold red letters 'DON'T DO IT, YOU WILL REGRET IT'. But nothing helped me, and thinking that I was the only one in the world who was going through this, I didn't speak to anyone. (although I remember my twin making masturbation sounds in the bed next to me, i never approached him, I just pretended that I didn't hear it).
I remember battling with myself to seek help form my rov, but I fancied his daughter, who potentially could have been suitable as a shidduch prospect for me, and opening up to him about this problem would have blown those chances, so I never approached him! (am I mad or what?)
Nothing change in Yeshiva, although I didn't have tights to 'play' with, I still had my head!
The mashgiach once gave a shmooze about the terrible sin of hotzoas zere levatolo, but for some reason i still felt that i was the only one going through this nisoyon, and was embarrassed to admit anything as this would have damaged my standing in the yeshivah, bh i am considered a decent bochur.
I remember having some success fighting the nisoyon, I always remember feeling so good and holy, even if a couple of hours later I would fall again. One particular time, on shabbos, I had a nisoyon, so I ran to the beis hamedrash and started learning, and, what I can only attribute to Hashem's kindness, I was able to answer a very difficult question on the sugyo, and after shabbos I wrote it down on the side of my gemoro, with a note explaining the circumstances of the pshat. So I have experienced small successes here and there.
While in Yeshiva, I remember, complaining to my father, but I don't remember about what, but as a mechanech he must have caught on, and he came the next day to visit me, armed with chizuk seforim and the letters of the steipler on kdusha inyonim, these where very helpful. But, more than that, this visit, which was followed by another one, set up an honest relationship with my father, and which proved very helpful in many areas.
Then came marriage. I decided very early early on, to be very honest with my wife regarding my fetish with tights etc, reasoning that if she didn't know, she couldn't provide me with the kosher avenues of pleasure that i badly wanted to experience. I didn't, however, open up to her about my masturbation problem. Though, I remember discussing with her the difficult things 'boys' have to go through including masturbation. But I reassured here that at one stage I had this problem, but it had been dealt with.
My sex life was very rewarding on the whole, however since our marriage 3.5 years ago, my wife has yet to experience any meaningful pleasure (which our rov says is normal), this makes it hard for her to give herself fully, meanwhile i am desperate for her to enjoy it. When she is osur, my 'heter' to masturbate is that its better to do this than be oiver an isur kores, and when she is muter i say, i'd rather do this than for her to feel the pressure to have sex with me.
About a month ago, I decided that something needed to change regarding this addiction (even though I have managed to go clean for 2-3 week periods, I always ended up slipping) and felt I needed someone to share with, so I spoke to my wife (mistake, I was told my father and twin, subsequently). She was very supportive practically, with suggestions to speak to him or him or do this and read this, but having just relieved myself of a decade long secret, I just needed a hug and to be told that she didn't think anything less of me and that she would support me. However, the mere fact of sharing the information with a second person did help me control my yetzer hora for about 2 weeks.
Then came this ben hazmanim (sukkos 5778), my twin brother is going through a difficult patch in his life, so i took him out for a beer and cig., after a couple of bottles we started opening up to each other, and since this issue for me was fresh on my mind, after mt revelation to my wife, I told my twin, who by now, for one reason or anther, i knew had or was going through a similar challenge. I told him that I felt i was alone, and i'll never forget his reaction, he shouted while placing his index finger on his temple"YOUR'E MAD, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT......(my name) IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD GOING THROUGH THIS CHALLENGE" it was such a great thing to hear! He told me to sign up with GYE and he a gave me an excellent sefer to learn through. which brings me to the present.
Thats a little about me, so Hi everyone i hope we can help eachother.
Warning: Spoiler!
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