hey everyone, 
im a 21 yr old guy, and i would consider myself modern yeshivish. i went to a mainstream yeshiva and spent three years in israel learning. im currently in a yeshiva college program. 
to begin my story i want to take you back to one of the earliest memories i ahev. while i am unaware of the exact details or significance of this story i feel it had some impact on me. especially if it sticks out in my head. i was in nursery school probably around 4 years old and i think i let a fellow female classmate touch me (inappropriately) in exchange for me touching her. i think the teacher realized and we got told off. one year later in preschool, i remember being very curious about looking under my morahs skirts and during every naptime i would try to take a look.  the next memory i have was during my childhood ages 7-12 i was exposed to different things. i remember playing video games with a non frum neighbor with unclean images in them, i remember watching movies with sexual content. i have a vivid memory of the first time i looked at pornographic images. i was around 10 or 11 years old and we had a desktop computer. i dont think i looked more than once because i was very scared that i would get caught. iused to play innapropriate games online and read books with inapropriate content.in addition to reding books i would look at obscure medical books or nursing books we had around my house looking for some nudity. i remember i used to stimulate myself in the shower even tho nothing would come out. i was too young.when i was 13 we got a laptop that had a filter on it. nonetheless i spent hours upon hours looking at innapropriate tv trailers which were not blocked. we also had tv that was somewhat filtered but iused to watch and try to find something to watch that i would enjoy. i began masturbating in the shower to innapropriate thoughts about women. i also used to watch low budget movies with friends that all included sexual content. important to note that i was probably around 14 years old here. in my actual life i had a good family friend that i began dating in a kosher way. meaning we were close with the entire family and they had a daughter  my age. we started personally talking and texting a lot around now. i began ninth grade and i started talking to this girl a lot spending time with her. we were shomer negia but spoke very couple-like.in yeshiva in ninth grade my roommate and i used to touch each other over clothes innapropriately or talk about sexual fantasies about women together. there was another boy in yeshiva and we also used to touch each other over clothes innapropriately.  in the summer of ninth grade i went to summer camp and the other boy from yeshiva slept next to me. we began touching each other under clothes innapropriately. i didnt stop him and he didnt stop me. i dont think it happened often but it definately happened 3\4 times. in tenth grade i began talking to this "girlfriend" a lot and spending a lot of time with her. we also got a new laptop that was unfiltered so i began watching pornography and masturbatng. it was not frequent tho. i think i was very guilty abt it firstly because of yidishkeit but also because of the girl i was talking to. i feared her finding out. in 11th grade i began masturbating frequently in the shower. i also got an ipod touch unfiltered that i used to watch porn and masturbate to. additionally i remember watching tv shows that began portraying love as physicality, which i thought to be true. i began texting lots of other girls needing their attention. all the while "dating" this family friend. she had become more motherly in 11th grade and i began to resent her. even tho i told her that i still loved her. i told her that i wanted to kiss her. when we hung out i used to put my arm around her even tho i knew she hated it. in the end of 11th grade i went to a birthday party of one of the girls that i knew. there i had my first kiss. i went on to date this girl, cheating on my other girlfriend. it was a purely physical relationship and i kept it a secret. we spent a lot of time doing a lot of innapropriate things. we never had sex tho. i dont remember watching porn or masturbating that summer because i had someone to do the job for me. in the beginning of twelfth grade i told my long time shomer "girlfriend" that i was dating this new summer fling and she was obviously very hurt. the next day i called up the fling and told her that we had to break up. i was very emotionally broken from losing the first girl because we had grown up together and been together for many years. a couple weeks later i met a new girl and was very physical with her. we dated for about a month. after we broke up i felt very lacking phsically. i began watching pornography and masturbating once a week but three times in one night. when i was home for off shabbosim i would do it every night. i beacme very frequent todoing it. i remember being a counselor in camp and waiting til late at night so i could do it. when i went to israel for my first year i would masturbate every day. i wasnt neccasarily watching pornography because i didnt have a smartphone until mid year. when i got one i began masturbating more often to porn. in first yr summer i met a girl and was physical for a little while.   in second yr in israel. i became a lot more compulsive and used to do it more than once a day. i had a smartphone and was out of control. i remember reading erotic novels and watching very often. in summer zman of second yr i went home because i got sick with a chronic disease. while at home i was working and met a non religious girl. we began being physical with each other to the point of having sex. this went on all summer long. when i returned to israel i felt very guilty and decided to be open with my rebbi about all that i had been through. i know i only mentioned the girls i was physical with but throughout my years in israel i had been talking to girls as friends. i had a terrible first two months, watching porn and masturbating a lot, unable to even stop during the aseres ymei hateshuva. after succos came my mission. my good friend and i decided to go on a 40 day no-masturbation period. i made it to day 30 and was very proud of myself. i was unable however to start the program again. i continued to masturbate all throughout the yr. i decided to put a filter on my fone and it helped to an extent. facebook was still accesible and i used to masturbate to the innapropriate images on it. i remmebr spending hours on it. over pesach when i came home i was once again masturbating multiple times a night to porn.i would browse for hours on end needing more an more.  i went back to israel for summer zman and met another girl there. i should mention that im smart and a good learner. i have a head for learning bh. my davening was nonexistent. every so often i felt guilty so i would daven. so i met this girl in the last couple weeks of summer zman and we were very physical. during one of the times we were in bed i was unableto stay aroused. all the while i was wathcnign porn. this brings us back to this summer. before leaving yeshiva i put a filter on my smartfone but i can get around it. i definately was a little worried that my porn watching had casued the lack of arousal and i also met a new girl that i thought could be my wife. thats why i stopped wathcing as much. i took on a kabalah this elul and it lasted a week which was hard but i was proud of myself. my cosing remarks i need to point out a few things. my disease definatly causes me stress and pain, which adds to my mstrbation problem. sometimes ifeel a little wronged by hashem becasue im sikc, im not depressed im a happy person. not angry either. more like bothered. i also want to mention that right now i feel very desensitized. like i care enough to join and i care enough to want to stop becasue i want a porn free future but my self control isnt very high and i also dont feel so bad abt it. like somewhere along the way my hating myself and guilty button shut off.
sorry if i wasnt so clear msg me with questions. thank u for reading my story and battle!!