Here's my Deal!!
I grew up in a regular frum family. I was first exposed to masturbation by a friend when i was 12 but since i hadn't reached puberty it didn't mean anything to me. I Remember like yesterday the first time i masturbated. I was 14 years old and it was the night before Rosh Hashana that i masturbated in the bathroom. While i had an innate sense that it was wrong i was too young to fully comprehend what i had done. I remember how i stayed awake in bed that whole night convinced that i will die as punishment. While that obviously didn't happen, I recall vowing to myself that I will never ever do it again.It didn't take too long before it happened again, and thus started my torturous journey with the Yetzer harah of lust; a journey of deep shame unending guilt, episodes of depression, with glimmers of hope and recovery along the way. Throughout my years in a top mesivta and beis medrash I suffered in silence, having times when my kedusha and learning were amazing and then when the falls while i went through the motions of being a top bocher i was shattered inside. During these years i mostly dealt with shmiras einayim and MZL. I actually had two separate occasions where i abstained from MZL for a whole year while feeling horrible inside. During my last year Learning in the U.S. I "downgraded" to Porn magazines and chat lines. All along my parents thought that i was a top bochur when in reality it was the furthest thing from the truth.
By the time i left America to learn in Eretz Yisroel i was deeply shattered inside, not being able to tolerate the numbness and isolation much longer. I then went to Eretz yisroel where i further spiraled downwards, withdrawing even deeper into my shell. With the lack of supervision over american bochurim that eretz yisroel is known for, it enabled me to sink unimaginably low. I would spend my days and nights on chat lines talking to women and masturbating multiple times per day. I remember one day i took a bus to tel aviv with the intention to go to the beach to see women. While there I saw cards sprinkled all over the streets advertising prostitutes and massage services etc..., while too afraid to do it then, i came back a few days later and did it then. Thus started my habit of frequenting massage parlors (to the point that i even took a bus to tel aviv on the second day of shvuos, and i even fell so deep as to steal (a lot of) money from my roommates to pay for these things!!!) It was after one of my goings to a massage parlor that i couldn't bear living like this with myself any longer. I then reached out to an amazing resource in eretz yisroel called Vaad Chizuk and it didn't take 20 minutes before one of their "Malachim" were at my side. He told me that we're going right now to an Israeli Gadol who deals with such matters. I went to this gadol who referred me for an evaluation by a eminent american Psychiatrist in Yerushalayim. For the next 3/4 of a year under the guidance of this "malach" i was able to stay away from chatlines and massage parlors while still being MZL. In truth I really needed intense therapy but i was petrified of telling my parents about my issues.
I then came back to america and was thrown into the arena of shidduchim. My parents thinking that i was G-d's gift to humanity marketed me as a yeshivish long term learner! I went out with a regular frum beis yaakov girl 5 times and then we were engaged. While i thought that at last all my problems were over, it couldn't be further from the truth. My wife suffered from anxieties and insecurities which prevented her from opening up physically and intimately. She got pregnant fairly right away and for nine months we practically had tashmish maybe 7-8 times. Then came the 4-5 month newborn phase after which she became pregnant again. This led me, in a weak moment to rationalize my continued habit of watching porn and masturbating. Ultimately I decided to go for therapy which helped alot but im still not out of the woods. I have gone for periods of up to eight months at a time of being completely free of masturbation, porn and looking at women in a lustful way, but ultimately i keep on falling back in.
This is only a brief overview of my story obviously missing many details and contexts.
I would love to hear what members think of my story?
Thanks,
Really Want To Be Good!!!
