A person is very affected by his surroundings. Sounds like it would be helpful to get to know and spend time with more people who share your values.  At the same time you have to strengthen yourself and be proud that your "younger years will not embarrass your older years". Tell yourself you have done the right thing. Are we jealous or do we feel we missed out if we hear someone successfully robbed a bank and later did teshuva and became a top guy? I wish i could write more but right now very pressed for time.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 May 2017 17:45:

Thanks so much for responding on a busy day! 
Ya, I guess my surroundings do have a strong effect on me. Never really realized how much though.
​I like the bank analogy, though it is still challenging.
Thanks

We always look over our shoulder and think that were missin' somethin', if only.....

That'sThat's why I work (supposedly) a program, where I can improve myself and be happy in my own skin.

B'hatzlachah

I hear, I guess I got to work harder.
Thanks Cordnoy.

cordnoy wrote on 29 May 2017 01:12:

Non challenging question- does it work? Are you happy in your own skin?

Hey bear, very impressed that at 23, you're already determined to do something about this issue. i wished i had been that committed at that age (i'm now 37). i totally understand that "missing out" feeling and went through stages where that played a big role. if Hashem is giving you that strong feeling, then He knows you can handle it and keep chugging. maybe don't try fighting the feeling, rather accept it and nevertheless work hard to stay clean. i know it ain't easy. wishing you much hatzlacha!

bear wrote on 28 May 2017 06:10:

I read this and I related a lot. I used to always think that I missed out on certain activities when I was a teenager (I'm only 21) and in high school. I had a lot of friends who talked to girls and hung out and I didn't really do that. Even in SA, when I first joined I considered myself a high-bottom drunk as I had never had sex with anyone. I felt like I was missing out. When I had my first sexual experience with another person about 2 years ago, I actually had the logic that "now I'm going to be one of the guys who actually had sex, I'll be a real sex addict." I have a right to feel that way, as sick as that might be. You have a right to feel the way you do, even though your better judgement tells you that you shouldn't feel the way you feel. There's nothing we can do about feelings. They come and they go. I still feel, from time to time, that I wish I had more guts in high school. What helps me is realizing that God created my life exactly the way it's supposed to be. If I was supposed to have a different life then I would have had a different one. For whatever reason, this is what God planned for me and it was the perfect plan. Accepting my past for what it was has been helpful. Also, I try not to dwell on the past. I have a whole future that can be anything I want it to be. I can live my life the way I want to.

Workingguy wrote on 29 May 2017 04:01:

When my mind is clear, yes.

cordnoy wrote on 29 May 2017 05:10:

Wow. You're very lucky; I wish.

Shlomo24 wrote on 29 May 2017 04:58:

I always felt that way and still do about High School; if I had done stuff and been involved in stuff I wouldn't have these longings of "if only". And Shlomo, I definitely do have the mentality that once my wife found out I was into pornography anyway and it was as much trouble as it did. Would it ever really made such a difference if I had acted out with someone? 

I feel it even more when I see people who did all that and became super serious and are now living very inspired lives while I am struggling. And I think to myself see they got it out of their system. But of course, we have no idea really

WG: I also know that this is not something I can "get out of my system." I had exactly that thought process before but I realize now that it's like telling an alcoholic that he needs to get more drunk in order to recover. And that's a very silly statement.

Workingguy wrote on 29 May 2017 16:12:

Luck has nothing to do with it
Check out the 12 promises of his 'supposed' program
Yes they are actually called promises

Workingguy wrote on 29 May 2017 16:12:

IyH.

My ego helps me with this.

GrowStrong wrote on 29 May 2017 16:43:

This is not a discussion that I think will be productive but I did that program and while I got a lot out of it I did not get achieve those promises.

But put it simply this way – when you are dealing with human nature there is nothing that someone can promise to another person that if they do x, then there will be a certain result. Some people thrive on the idea powerlessness, some people get destroyed by it. Some people thrive in therapy, some people don't.

The easy thing to say is that when someone doesn't get the promises, it just means that they didn't work it hard enough. But how can a man of flesh and blood promise you anything? Human heart and mine are different in every single person

i'm very glad it worked for you though, and I'm very happy for you.

Hey guys, Thanks for all your responses!

I know this sounds very insensitive to say, but I am sort of relived that I am not the only one who struggles with the "missing out" feeling. I really appreciate all your points, and hope to think them over. If anyone has more to add on the "missing out" feeling please do.

Also, I had a thought, not sure what I think of it, I was wondering what you guys think of it. Many people try to rationalize shomer negia and say that there are so many great reasons behind it. On the other hand for many people like us who really just dream about "messing up" on shomer, none of these rationals persuade us. The only thing holding us back is that it is assur, we think no one should refrain if it were not for the Torah. rotzeh ani avel hatorah amar lo- we want it but the Torah says no. Therefore, it comes out the exact opposite from what manny people say about people who struggle with shmeras einayem. They say many of us don't care about religion at all, this habit just got so bad that it is messing up our lives that we need to stop. While that may be true to an extent in some cases the person might fight back because his life got so out of control. What is true in every single case, is that every time the person ever said no before he hit rock bottom (if he hit it), was Leshma. Because people like us, we would love to do everything that is assur in this regard, and the only thing that was stopping us before we hit rock bottom(if we hit it) was Leshma. And even for people who hit rock bottom, even after they get there life back on track, they go further than other people who recovered. How many non jews never touch the other gender? So it comes out that you can argue the people who are more leshma are the people like us. We would love to do anything and everything. What is holding us back has to be Leshma, (true some ppl recover because they hit rock bottom, but the reason they go so far and are shomer, don't listion to kol Eisha etc. is not because of recovery.) On the other hand those that buy the rationals to be shomer, do it because it makes sense to them, not because the Torah said no . As opposed to us, who would love to do everything and don't care what reason you can give to rationalize it. The only thing stopping us is God.