lionking wrote on 25 Feb 2018 05:56:

hi lionking, it sounds like your on the downs of the ups and downs see-saw that were all on  ,maybe make a goal in gemara on a topic that really interests  you,there are alot of online gemara shiurim that are very geshmack like LiveDaf.net ,hes a very geshmaka magid shiur and very uplifting personality ,and there are archives on a lot of mesechtas ,hatzlacha and a freilichen purim  

Thanks for the suggestion. I currently have a geshmake chavrusashaft, and I am B"H learning well. (There is always room for improvement...)
It wasn't a spiritual low I was feeling. It was more of an emotional low. B"H the feeling has passed, and I am back on track.
Hatzlocha Rabba!

Hi lionking,
You could have been writing for me.
I also have more than one satisfying seder limud, and I am getting sipuk out of many areas of life that I have a lot to be grateful for, but there is still a massive emptiness that needs filling. Sometimes it gets filled with the garbage on YWN, sometimes the garbage on Netflix. I don't know which is worse. Sometimes it gets filled with worse stuff. I wonder if it is an emotional or a spiritual emptiness, and how to fill it productively.
Appreciate your clarity that helped me see this in myself, and look forward to any additional insights you want to share.

eslaasos wrote on 26 Feb 2018 16:09:

Something tells me that it’s not getting filled by ywn Netflix and worse stuff. Those are ways you can temporarily hide from this hole that needs filling. Numb it up. Make the walls swell until it feels like there’s no hole. And then pop. Deflate. Hole still there.

so I do a lot of thinking about why I really have a hole and feel empty, why am I unsatisfied with my current life, is it justified, am I surrendering to Hashem’s plan for me. do you think about that?

HakolMilimala wrote on 26 Feb 2018 16:32:

I agree totally to the above. I know it is just numbing methods...
I thought alot about the second statement of yours. Problem is I do not have clarity to know what Hashem's Plan for me is. It is hard to surrender something which you don't know about.

I’m at a stage in life where it can go quite a few different ways and that’s very confusing also. I definitely don’t know Hashem’s plan for me.

i think that that’s exactly what I have to surrender to.
Thought process: (and this idea is only a few weeks old to me, so we can work on this together
i will not know Hashem’s exact plan for me
i do know that exactly where I am today is exactly where he wants me to be
all I can do is make today the best day, this week the best week, and the coming year the best year that I can
because I can’t see the plan but where I am right now is where Hashem planned for me to be

its hard, even as I write this. There’s resistance.
but aaaahhhhhhh just leetttt goooo

So first I'm like, what's with this Hakolmilimala guy, of course it doesn't really fill the hole, it's just escapism. Then I realized that even though it's obvious, when you delude yourself over and over again, you lose sight of the obvious, and the delusion becomes reality. So thanks for the refresher.
Sometimes I think the hole is just in my head, and if I worked a little harder I would be able to make it go away. Not by thinking. I sound like a cliche but for real I was a deep thinker from all the way back when I was a teenager. I used to love having what my kids now call DMC's. Guess what? I ended up deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. The only way I made any progress towards sobriety and serenity was by taking actions of sobriety, that are scary and painful before, and provide calm and serenity after.
On the other hand, my headspace has been entrenched in the "hole" for so many decades, it's going to take a lot of exercise to change it. And meanwhile I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, but it's all I got.

eslaasos wrote on 26 Feb 2018 16:54:

Haha, I’m nuts. Don’t mind me :p

Just fell. After 18 days clean. Still fuzzy. Going to try to sleep first and start fresh tomorrow.

Hi l.k. ,just fell too. . how about if we start over together,ready ,set,RESET! Next one to fall is a rotten egg     !  

ieeyc wrote on 06 Mar 2018 08:02:

Thanks! 
This is not a race, it is life.
Next one to fall is Human. 
Next one to not get back up is the rotten egg.

gut gezugt!, i was just kidding btw  

I have been doing well for a while. I totally wasn't white knuckling. Just plain living life for over 30 days clean. Pre-pesach, and pesach flew through smoothly, then bam, I fell hard.

I acted out, in the past week, not once or twice, but eight times. Dozens of hours wasted.

The biggest problem is I don't even feel the want to stop.
I'm not feeling the loss so eloquently described by Dov in one of the recent emails.
B"H my life is not in shambles.
I am not B"H progressing to worse or more riskier behaviours.
Sadly the fact that it is assur, and I am going against Hashem's will, has not made much of a difference in the past. Perhaps I just have a major deficiency in Yiras Shmayim, or perhaps it is Naase Loi K'Heter already...
Rationally, I can't come up with a strong enough reason to stop.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, I read here on the forums, stories of people's hardships. Some were abused, others lived through pain and suffering. My heart goes out for them. I started thinking, I can understand them acting out. They have a pressing issue to want to escape from. What can I say about myself, what is my excuse?

B"H I am blessed with a good life. No one in my immediate family is chronically ill, no one is OTD, I am happily married. I manage to squeeze through the month more or less. (Usually much less... But B"H, I can pay my rent and put food on the table). Why do I act out? Why do I focus and the little bits of negativity in my life, rather then count the immense blessings I am blessed with?

I have come to the conclusion that just as my acting out is irrational, so to my recovery should be irrational. I cannot reason why not to act out. I just need to say NO, no reasoning at all.

My main source of connection (false connection...) is my phone and it was out of service since Pesach, I had a temporary device with no access to my GYE account, email accounts, contacts. They were all just saved on the other phone. It did have access to porn and I used it freely to act out.
B"H, I don't have it any more and have my regular phone back. Will try to reestablish connections, and set up boundaries.

Day 1 of "just say no", Will keep this thread updated IY"H.

I relate to much of what you wrote. Especially the bits about not feeling the desire to stop, or major loss/progression, lack of "excuse"...
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever have complete recovery, without knowing what rock bottom is like. Probably unwise to purposely go down that path, though...

May God give us clarity.