Hello. I am not new member GYE but I not sure where to make this topic. I have been using GYE on and off sense 2014 and it is helped me with problems I was struggling with mz"l and talking with someone on phone and skype. I have very good filters in my computer and phone looking at shmutzige website is not issue with me because I can not see them with filters. but I fall and talk with people when I become lonely in my life. Since I join GYE I have wife and children BH and very busy with my jobs, shteiging and trying to be good father. 

Many days I am very busy and my relationship by my wife is not so important priority because I am working hard to provide pay everything. I know this makes her angry with me because she does not think she is priority because always i am busy. but everything i am busy is for her. I am on GYE to fix my SSA because it will help marriage with her. I work many days because it will help her and our children. But She tells me that she want to spend more time together and she want to feel needed by me.
I feel like am going crazy and nothing I can do is good enough.  I fell a few times after and talk with a man in skype because it is only time I can be honest on my life and talk. it makes me feel very happy that I do not have heavy on my shoulders i can "run away" from my life for few minutes but when it is over I feel guilty sad and I return to my life.
Some days I am overwhelmed and don't want my life. It is to much pressure. I think some days I am to young I have this responsibility why Hashem give me this life? How I am suppose to fix my SSA, make my wife happy, keep my jobs, pay bills, learn, be good father and husband and son. 

Around same time I begin working with therapist there was two big changes by my life. My wife found out she was pregnant again and my doctor changed my depression medicaments. When I start working on fixing my SSA I lost some desire for sex in beginning and after it become more. I am healthy young man in shape and I do not think about sex now. I do not have any desire for sex any more not by my wife not by fantasie thoughts not by anything. It is now few months sense I had sex on my wife and she think something is wrong with her. I do not know how I can begin fix all.

Does people on GYE tell his spouse about his struggles? I do not like to keep secrets but I am not sure if it only will make life better or worse. I do not want to give my wife more stress and hurt to tell her my struggles.


 

Hey Ehrliche, I think it's a tough question and it sounds like you are making a lot of effort to do good things with your life. Do you have a therapist you can discuss this with? I see that you are in touch with a psychiatrist. And maybe you don't have to fix it all, pick something you think you can handle and focus on it, something that has to do with you, that you can either do on your own or give to someone else.

Hatzlacha raba!!

KOT!

Sturggle wrote on 07 Jul 2016 13:54:


Ehrliche,

One thing you should know is that you're a hero- because anyone who works on themselves and tries to do what's right is wonderful and amazing. You should be very proud of all the things that you are trying to do.

In regard to no desire for your wife- can you explain to her that it is a side effect of the medication?

Welcome!  You have a long list of issues that require more than chatting on the computer.  Do you have a rav you can discuss this with?  What does your therapist say? 

Your wife is normal.  She needs you.  Providing for her emotionally and sexually is your responsibility.  You are clearly having a difficult time.  We can encourage you, but you definitely need some guidance beyond what we can offer.  Please keep us posted on your progress.

.

I sent you a PM.

gibbor120 wrote on 08 Jul 2016 19:19:

I don't know what it said, but good chance: make sure you inform someone about that blackmail business. It's very important that this should be a safe haven.

B'hatzlachah to you.

ehrliche.bochur wrote on 08 Jul 2016 00:38:

Ouch. What a horrible thing to happen.

You should feel free to discuss anything with your therapist. They are bound by confidentiality and would lose their career if they told anyone about what you discuss.

cordnoy wrote on 08 Jul 2016 20:22:

I said something to that effect.

After reading this a couple things came to mind. I agree with what has been said about emotional and sexual support in marriage. I experienced firsthand a father who was the breadwinner but not an emotional supporter. Just making money is not enough. It's the tough truth, but it's the truth. Marriage, or any committed relationship really, is a relationship, not a business deal. One's boss may be ok as long as the profit margin is good, but relationships don't work like that. If they did, it would be dysfunctional. I'm not here to blame you EB, because I think you're a good man and someone who tries really hard. It could be that your wife also needs to work on herself and try to appreciate you more. However, I can relate to her, as well as you. Emotional support and a healthy sex life are very important between two partners.

Another thing I want to stress is that women are different than men. Men are much better at compartmentalizing and tend to be less emotionally charged. Women are very much emotionally charged, and to them everything is connected. For example, I always said that when I need china for my house when I get married, I'm going to tell my kallah to go pick it out by herself, because I frankly don't care enough to spend time doing that. But that is an immature thought process. I am supposed to go because she wants me there. To her, china isn't just china, it's part of the emotional relationship. So going to work and supporting her is not all she wants, she also want you. She doesn't just want your money.

I would like to end off that I truly think you're a great guy EB and you definitely try very hard. If you keep this up you will find serenity and peace in your life, god willing. Keep on working on yourself and trying to improve. Just a friendly reminder though, sometimes in the conquest for improvement we strive for perfection. As long as we are human, we will not be perfect. I struggle greatly with "beating myself up" about things. Try to take a step back and breathe every once in a while. It's perfectly normal to not be perfect. A famous 12 - step saying is "progress not perfection."

Hatzlacha.
 

Thank you everyone for advice and support. Especially shlomo for helping me sense I joined GYE two years ago and giving me information about local frum support groups. 
I will only write short update. I am having some marriage problems that can not be swept under rug any more. 
I need to take short break from GYE and make work on myself my life and marriage. SA is not something I struggle much with now BH. But after life time learning to keep my struggles and secrets quiet it is difficult now to open emotionally to someone who is my beshert. Neither of us is happy but I am not sure if I will be honest will make life more unhappy for her. I feel like I have many masks I must put on to make everyone on my life happy. I have to pretend to have middos toivos and pretend to be ben torah when my thoughts is not even clean. I do not know who I am. I do not know what I want. Only I know what I am required to want and that is what I do. Not because I enjoy but because obligation. I just need break from GYE to fix my life. Thank you everyone for advice and support. 

ehrliche.bochur wrote on 04 Aug 2016 06:57:

EB,

I totally relate to what you are writing; hatzlacha Raba and I hope you're able to find what you're looking for and what you need.

Hatzlacha Rabah.