There isn't enough space here to share all my struggles,
Yet I'm hopeful that even I can change,
I'm ashamed of myself how low I've dug myself into filth,
My last 25 years has bin one long continues battle but rarely
did I ever have a win,
I hope & I pray that thru gye I will be zoche to teshuva.

Welcome,

There is plenty of space...you just need to begin.
I've had several decades as well.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome,

Most of us are ashamed how far we have gone. If you stick around here long enough you'll see that this is unfortuatley the norm for many lust addicts. If the shame helps you improve then kol hakovod. If its brings to depression then you should know don't get sad about it. This is the test of our dor. Unlike an alchohlic,wherever you go lust is dangling in your face. An alchohlic does not bump into vodoka on a daily basis. Thus there is clealry nothing to get down about.

I just opened a small pinhole, & you guys are pushing the doors wide open,

Thanks

It really warms my (frozen) heart

WELCOME! i thought the same thing as you, that there wasn't enough space. but over time i built up my thread and let everything out. and the ppl here were waiting w/ listening ears

hatzlacha

Welcome!
I put in over 30 years myself.
B"H I did get and stay clean.
It's helpful to take it one day at a time.
I never have to get through more than just today.

AlexEliezer wrote:


We used to say: it is even forbidden, in this struggle, to think about tomorrow.

With hashem's help I will get to tomorrow,

For now the day is a new & beautiful one,

Thanks

Welcome!!

Indeed you have come to the right place, where many are getting helped tp sobriety and to be able to recover from their challenges.

I would suggest you should read the handbook, and keep posting here.

Hatzlacha

WELCOME! You have taken the first very important step. Stick around, keep sharing. Many have been helped here. Many have over 20 or 30 years of acting out and are sober today! It is possible.

This morning started different for me,
And it's not because its erev yom Kippur,
I never thought I will find a place & people who went thru the same struggle & actually got back on track,
But hkb"h berov rachamov saw how seriously I wanted to change he made sure that l stumbled on to this site then i realized that I still have hope,
So this early morning when I did kaparos I felt like I'm really getting rid of something & maybe I can even stay clean,

Thank you guys for the support,

In one short day just doing a little browsing thru the recent posts in the forums gave me tremendous chizuk & insights,

So yom Kippur is over,
Do I feel better? No

I didn't feel that I got a chance to do teshuva,
But I still believe that the etzem hyom was mechaper, & I hope that my last minute of modeh veozev added at least a little bit to my kaporeh,

I only feel that the real battle is coming now

Tomorrow I'm back to work, I hope & pray that I will stay strong

who says you didn't do teshuva?

I see a 3 day clean streak. Thats a nice start.

A number of years back I had a Yom Kippuer where I simply felt nothing. Said the words, focused on the meaning, but nothing doing.

Afterwards I went to a Rav/Rebbe who had Davened at the Minyan and who I was somewhat close to and mentioned this to him.

He told me that Rav Nachman brings down (I am paraphrasing an idea from memory so I hope I get this right) that the greatest possible Tefillah is when you don't feel anything. When we feel connected, when we feel we are doing something, we have that positive feedback loop which encourages us and makes us feel good. When that is not there and we push forward anyways; when we ask despite feeling distant, it is even more powerful.

I can't say it made me feel 100% better at the time, but the idea did help to a degree and I've tried to keep it in mind other times.

Hatzlocha and welcome!