Hi

Ktiva vechatima tova to every1

I had an uplifting chagm thought a lot about my problem.

I have been clean only for a week, no 'fails' but a lot of dirty machshavot, with other women, with 'porn women'... I'm so afraid I'll fail again...
I have deleted all porn from computer, blocked access to porn sites, but still many machshavot.

I need my wife's help but am embarassed to ask

Welcome! One day at a time.

carpediem wrote:


welcome,

Good start!

what do you need her help with?

I'm not sure if it would be ok to tell her about being part of GYE website, I told her in the past I used to masturbate but we havent discussed issue since then,only when I couldnt finish with her. I think I need her, especially when lust 'attacks' me and I need to intimate with her, maybe if she knows it will be easier although she is usually ready for, she doesnt reject me

Your poor wife. I feel for the woman whose role it is to be the lust quencher of her husband.

This is not her problem and you shouldn't make ot her problem.

Take it from us guys who have tried it. It doesn't help you, it is unfair to her snd it is hell on a marriage.

i really feel for you man, that you "need" her when the lust takes over. i am far from married but i read a really good reading in the "white book" yesterday. to sum it up it explained how sex is not lust. sex is the consummation of unity between man and women. lust is a otherwordly desire that takes over our own self, by having sex with lust there is no union, only a temporary appeasement of an unnatural personal desire, quite the opposite of sex.

i really feel for you however. much hatzlacha in the future,

carpediem wrote:


It would be nice if we could take 'em in the car with us, and at work, and late at night in study, and then all would be swell.

MBJ and S24 hit the nail on the head.

I also kinda knew you were gonna answer that when i asked the original question.

b'hatzlachah

Hi carpediem, welcome to the forum. The other MBJ who posted is a crazy guy who was walking in the hot sun in a fast day back to work from mincha. He is correct but perhaps a bit too blunt.

The issue that we all have, though I don't know your story personally, is that we can't control our lusts. For me lust is an avenue to escape pain and find peace. But it provides that at a very steep price. Which maybe you have or have not experienced. I do know that when we are just using our wives as outlets of our lusts, they know. Even if they don't know consciously they know subconsciously. Remeber they are far more perceptibe than we are under ordinary circumstances. When we are in a lust haze a slug is more perceptive than we are.
It hurts them very much to be used as an object. Women want to connect with their husbands on a deeply personal level. When we disassociate from them and use them as you would use your hand to masturbate it hurts them. That pain that you are causing is unfair and will take its toll and hurt your marriage.

You have to be the one to get rid of your lust or all she will do is reject you. And that I can attest to from personal experience.

Look around. Use the tools. Learn how to let go of the lust. You don't need your wife to do that.

You mentioned machshavot.
I have found that repeatedly asking Hashem to take the lustful thoughts, as soon as they come, to be helpful.
The key is consistency.
I also ask Him to take my lust.
I am willing to surrender my lust to Hashem.
I truly don't want to lust anymore.
I am willing to give it up.

Please allow me to beg to differ slightly from alot of the posters.

Yes totally a wife should not be a lust tool. But I have found that on days that my wife is mutter it makes my sytruggle easier. I tell my yetzer why look at porn I have a beautifull wife. There is something about pas besala. Of course, if my wife is too exhusted and just can't do it at nite she is not my object where I can force her C"V to do anything aginst her will just because I have a lust problem. But when she is in the mood it totally helps me focus on likng whats mutter. And we all know that you must like her looks before you marry her.(Yes its assur to marry a girl till you look at her) If its all just love why should one care about looks? The answer is because ina gentle manner all us men have a certian level of lust. And we should minimumly challenge that lust towards our wives. Again yes as addicts I get it. We become obssesed to the point of viewing our wives as objects. But I believe mixed with love some of that lust can be challenged ina kind a manner towards our wives.

Yes this is a whole love verse lust discussion. But I just want to give carpediem some thumbs up as I wouldn't totally just knock the approach.

I am sorry,but I have to disagree. If the plan going forward is: I will forbear on masturbating while fantasizing all day until I can convince my wife to take the pressure off. That will only lead to bad places. Being with your wife is wonderful, but should have nothing to do with this struggle.

MBJ,

No of course we have to work on it on our own. We can't use our wives as the primary tool to get rid of lust. But it can be incoprorated as one of the mnay tools in our tool box. You are suggesting just using my wife as a get rid of lust thing. Fantasize all day and use her as a porn object. Of course thats ludicrous. I am suggesting work on lust. Daven, surrender, try to avoid confronting lust etc.. But when it bears its ugly head I think its Ok to tell yourself that my wife is just as attractive as these sluts so why fantasize over such stupdity.

waydown: what you wrote above just makes me cringe on the inside. yes it's fine and good to be attracted to one's wife but to compare her to porn stars! for some reason that makes me feel terrible on the inside. to tell myself "why lust after pornstar "x" my wife is just as hot" is putting your wife in a terrible place that she doesn't belong. yes there is a natural sex drive, especially so for men, but i just find that consciously thinking about one's wife that way is a little sick. she is not a comparison to them, she could look like a paper bag or miss america, she's still not a sex object. i know that if i was a wife being thought of in that way i would probably throw up. i apologize for my harsh words but this is how i feel.

yes we are sick people getting better, but this doesn't seem like good medicine for me.

Shlomo you partly misundertsood me and partly I disagree with you.

Like I stated your thought process would be this girl is a filthy slut with some makeup. Why lust over her when my wife is a pure clean respected person who is also attractive looking. Thats not comparing the two. Thats telling yourself that you can have something so much better.

I am not sure where you are coming from exactly. My wife loves it when she knows I think about her. She likes to know that I crave her. And she likes to look good. Yes she has asked me if I am prettier than Mrs Whoever pornstar. And my answer is they are sluts with makeup. You are pretty even without make up. And you are a higher upstanding person which adds attraction too. And she likes that answer.

Sorry if I make you cringe but I think a wife has to be apprecaited in the physical sense too. And she wants you to feel that bit of lust for her as well. She does not want just love unless she is some tzadikias. (she spends $3,000 on a shietel because she wants you to like her looks. For most of us its not just oh love the inside and finsihed)

I still contend that if used in moderation combined with other tools its fine and suggested to throw ones lust for his wife into the equation.

I know I am to blame as well, but why not see what mr diem has to say to us before we flood his thread and hijack it completely.

So CD, how's it going?