I feel your pain, FS

I haven't told my wife. But sometimes the covenanteyes filter picks up blocked guardureyes websites the SA white book link, for some reason >.< very ironic, really. But true. And she sees it and worries what I'm reading. And I know I'm doing it all for the good and why should I feel guilty about it? But it really affects her. And I may need to re-envision how I go about the recovery. I want to be blatant about it but I shouldn't. I need to try see it from her perspective. It's a crushing reality. But a reality all the same.

I listened to a recording of Dov's phone call. He discusses how the joy of abstaining is not true Avodas Hashem. What I mean is that if that's all you're doing, just not acting out, well, it's not a real achievement, per se, in the broader spectrum. You won't get an award for 500 days' clean. If you make that the end-all, then you're not really living, still. Service. Proactive behaviours. To focus solely on recovery and draw others in can also be selfish. It's a refreshing insight, I think. The recovery enables the rest of your life. Now you've gotta build it.

Word of caution: If you decide to tell her, speak with professionals/sober members beforehand. I am not married, but I've had unhealthy disclosings in the past.

cordnoy wrote on 06 Jan 2017 07:05:

I figured you would react this way... there's no chance she would appreciate the letter.

My mother showed me an article in Ami magazine, around y"k time, about a wife who was struggling with forgiveness and understanding.
She wanted to know if my wife would appreciate it.
There was no chance. It usually sets my wife off and triggers her to anger.
When she reads the forum for spouses of strugglers she gets so angry that these ladies "stay married to their addict husbands" and "why do I go through with this".

cordnoy wrote on 06 Jan 2017 07:05:


Whatever. It was just an emotional 24 hrs. Something had triggered her. She was cranky before seeing the therapist.

I felt the need to post because I didn't want to get into a 'defending myself' style conversation.
Unfortunately we ended up talking about it later and needless to say it was not the most accomplishing of talks.

Sorry.

II understand.

Singularity wrote on 06 Jan 2017 07:21:

Thank you.

Interesting insights. Hatzlacha to you.

And to you too, brother.

Working on recovery and being healthy is a wonderful feeling...and then our wive's hurt resurfaces, and it's not a good feeling at all.

I'm much fresher in my recovery than you are, but it's definitely a difficult thing that makes it tough to feel good about the improved version of ourselves.

My wife doesn't wanna know anything about my recovery or about others. She also doesn't wanna know my past. Is this healthy for her/me/us? I don't know, but it's the way it's gonna stay, for the time being. Yes, it does make things difficult here and there and it does lead to lies which I hate (but good at), but there is a serene status quo that seems to work.

B'hatzlachahI to all

You're a good man, Reb Cords.

cordnoy wrote on 13 Jan 2017 13:56:

My wife doesn't wanna know about my past. I don't wanna know about hers, either. I don't think we're in denial, though. Not everything needs to be known. That's why we can't hear one another's thoughts. Hashem's built it into the construct of the world. Even from my wife, I have my privacy. Now it's my choice whether I wish to keep my compulsive masturbation and pornography issue a secret, or if I wish to keep my SA meetings and recovery methodologies a secret. That's my choice. 

I've also come to the realisation that, if I ever do need to tell my wife, well, it will suck. It will be tough, and hard, and I will hurt her fundamentally. Because my actions hold consequence. But I wish to have built myself up by then, to accept it lovingly. I know it will hurt. But sometimes, you just gotta sit with the pain. That's what we lust addicts aren't good at doing. But the l'chat'chila of the world was just to "sit with the pain". If only Adam could have done that a little while longer....

I told my wife of my issues before we married, it was one of many interesting twists and turns in our relationship over the years.

What it means is that she stopped believing my lies many years ago.

I wouldn't compare my pekeleh to anyone else, we all have unique circumstances that lead us to this group mission of recovery.

Whats amazing is how much we can all learn and identify still from each others unique and different (sometimes opposite) circumstances.

Chazak!









 

Singularity wrote on 16 Jan 2017 07:15:

A word of advice: ODAAT. I did many things that I thought I never would have, in both the positive and the negative. Stay sober today. When it's shayich it's shayich.