Whew! Here goes!

I've been associated with GYE on the website for several years. In that time, I've had many good days, but even more bad weeks and months. I've been sitting on the sidelines of the forum because I was convinced I could self-manage and I didn't need something akin to group therapy for lust addiction. I've come to the determination that I've been naïve. I can't control my actions because I can't control my thoughts. Also, I've been afraid to seek help in my community for fear of losing my job. I feel I can't open up to my non-Jewish therapist because he wouldn't understand either. I feel alone. I realize I'm rambling and carrying on, but I need help. I need to connect with other frum Yidden who know what it's like to struggle as hard as I have and to know that there is hope. Anyways, I'm Mattlanta and I'm looking forward to hearing from anyone out there with advice and encouragement.

I found some great guys in the chats! Give it a try.
I'm new too, so I won't be to much of a help either.
Keep on Truckin as the saying goes here on GYE!

Welcome mattlanta

Keep on posting.

Welcome! You're not alone! We're all struggling and we're all frum! If it was possible to make a minyan online, we would be davening all together on GYE!

polar bear wrote:

Oh yeah.
The Amain Yehai Shmai Rabah would be so loud that it will definitely have the internet sizzle

Thanks guys! This was a big step for me to reach out. I knew the forum wouldn't let me down and B"H it hasn't. Please G-d we will all defeat our yetzer hara and have a tikun shaleim

Welcome to the forum!

Welcome
That's a long time to be lurking.
What steps have you taken in the past ?
What worked?
What didn't?

Looking forward to hearing more.

Bhatzlachah

May your journey be blessed with much hatzlacha!

Welcome on board!!

Welcome to the forums. You'll meet some great people here. I can totally relate to the fear of not being understood by a non frum therapist. It has even held me back from connecting with one after I couldn't find a frum one near me.
Have you opened up to him about the topic at all? KOP

I have a non frum therapist. ...actually she is not even Jewish. ...she relates perfectly.

Welcome to the GYE forums mattlanta!

If you feel a frum therapist would be more sympathetic, perhaps there's one nearby that you could look into and maybe switch to? If not, you should know lots of frum therapists skype, or do face time, etc. even from long distance. In the meantime, please keep posting and stay in touch with us - we all struggle with the same stuff you do, and are here to help each other.

Hatzlacha!

Thank you all again for all your support! I just switched to a new therapist and I haven't yet broached the subject. Part of the reason I'm not sure he'll understand is because I suspect he is actively involved in SSA. I don't know for sure, but I just get a feeling. I'm willing to discuss it with him in the hopes he understands. I even have an appointment today. IY"H, it will be a good pairing.

As far as what I've done, I've used filters in the past as well as abstaining without filters. My biggest issue with filters is that I feel like it presents a challenge, a puzzle that must be solved. Whenever I get an urge to indulge, I would try to find the limits of the filter and get any inappropriate imagery that wasn't blocked for whatever reason. I've noticed that when I use filters, I have more clean periods, but they are very short; usually only 2-4 days. When I abstain without filters, it is naturally harder to start, but when I do eventually start, my clean periods tend to last around 7-21 days. I don't think I've ever lasted longer than 21 days, and that was one time. Most of the time, I can't get to 14 days. So, clearly, what I've been doing isn't the best solution for me.

I can't believe I'm actually putting all of this into words. I guess the relative anonymity of these forums provides a level of comfort. At the same time, however, it took me years and years to have the same types of conversations with my wife. Anyways, thanks for taking an interest in a humbled, confused, and nearly lost yid. I look forward to seeing what responses you all have.

Many people (myself included) come here and do a lot of "excuse thinking" why they don't do this or attempt to do that in recovery. Do you think you are among those?

I'm not sure what you mean exactly by excuse thinking. If I understand correctly that it is a type of self-defeating fortune telling, I may do some of that on some level. I think my biggest obstacle to recovery is fear of ostracism. That fear has kept (and will continue to keep) me from seeking effective help. If I'm honest with myself, accountability software is probably more effective for me than filters, but I don't want to have to face an accountability partner (which is obviously why this would work better for me than filters have). The biggest reason I haven't used WebChaver or something like that is because I don't feel like there is a person I could trust to receive my internet reports. I work in my community and would not want to risk losing my job, chavrusa, etc.