ZDuvid wrote on 02 Jun 2016 05:04:

Hey ZDuvid, first of all just the fact that you managed being clean for 288 days is amazing!

I wasn't planning on writing this, but becuase of what you wrote I decided to share my recent story:
Just a few nights ago my wife surprised me when I came home by wanting to be together. This is after weeks of nothing doing as she's in her first trimester, and the timing was terrible as I literally just fell 2 days beforehand (after a 6 month streak) and masturbated from porn a whole bunch of times in the previous 48 hours. I wan't going to turn her down, but I was concerned about my performance. Lo and behold, at some point before we were actually together I lost my erection and could not seem to get it back. I lied there with a silent prayer:
Hashem, I am no Tzaddik. But right now, in all honesty I am laying here for the sake of my wife. This is not driven by taava as I just spent the last 2 days staring at models which were way prettier, but rather this is for the sake of connection between my wife and I. Please help me...
Hashem made a miracle for me a few minutes later. And it is that which really helped me get back on track.

By the way, this perspective was gained from Rabbi Feuerman's excellent series of "The Chosson Shmuz you wish you had". If you never listened to it I highly recommend it. It will change your intimate life with your wife!

 

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 03 Jun 2016 05:37:

guardyoureyes.com/kosher-isle/shiurim/category/chosson-shiurim

ZDuvid wrote on 03 Jun 2016 01:24:

4.7 compared to porn?
Haven't you ever seen porn would she be considered more attractive?

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 03 Jun 2016 05:37:

Wow that's incredible. Hashem should bless you!

doingtshuva wrote on 03 Jun 2016 11:04:

Im not a dummy... I see woman on the street..

yiraishamaim wrote on 02 Jun 2016 23:08:

Dear "Yiraishamaim",
Thanks for your feedback.
The major point of relevance for our chevra is that our pursuit of  "self-pleasure" through porn & masturbation is taking a very destructive toll  on the ability to engage in healthly loving intimacy. HASHEM Y'Rachem on all of us and our spouses!
 

I understand quite well.

Just saying it might not be the only reason we sometimes have performance issues.

Imagine making great strides in a program of recovery, only to still not perform because of a physical issue. Yet, not being aware of that. That would be a needless frustration, do you not agree?

ZDuvid wrote on 03 Jun 2016 17:00:

You wrote: I have my porn who is 10 times more attractive then my wife.

That's why I asked, sorry.
When I ask I don't attack, I just want you to think about it.

Thank you so much ZDuvid for your honesty. It's not always pretty but honesty is the name of the game.

I wrote a very similar thing about my wife on my thread about 2 years ago.

Porn is more attractive, more enticing than real women. Any woman. Porn is designed to be like that. They cut out all the normal and boring stuff and leave just the highlights. How can any woman compete? Porn never complains, never smells, doesn't need foreplay, and has constant variety. I became like Achashveirosh - the porn from yesterday is used up and gone, making room for the new, unless I call it back by name...

That;s the addiction. That's exactly it. I know I need to stop using this drug but nothing makes me feel as good as it does. It's exactly the same as a cocaine addict who knows he has to stop using or face serious consequences, but there just isn't anything that gives the same buzz. The pull back to it is so strong.

I am powerless.

That means that without a program of recovery I will go back to porn. Every. Time. It's just too good.

All I can say is that through recovery and consistent working of my program, my attitude has changed a little. Nothing else, only my attitude. Nowadays my wife is the most attractive woman in the world.

That doesn't mean I don't get tempted by porn or women I see in the street. It just means that when I'm with my wife, I'm with my wife, and I no longer compare her to others or prefer anyone else over her.

Watson wrote on 05 Jun 2016 22:15:

Thanks so much for writing. Very inspiring.
 

Watson wrote on 05 Jun 2016 22:15:

Enjoyed your post.
A number of pertinent points you touched upon. I'd just want to emphasize that part that I quoted above. It's important to understand not to fool oneself that "if only I had a real bombshell of a wife I would be satisfied."  You correctly made it abundantly clear that the nature of addiction makes the wife's attractiveness of little consequence in the overall scheme of things.
Rather, what I got from your post was - The idea  is to have a healthier perspective on intimacy.

HI ALL! I miss everyone! wasn't on for the sooo long. dont worry, im not clean.
​anyways basically the past few weeks im doing some soul searching and trying to figure out what the hell is up with me.
I crawled into my emotions and my past and found out the all my life I was never comfortable with myself/body since as long that i can remember I always had weight issues. 

​I also figured out that acting out is an escape for feeling uncomfortable in certain situation and of course I cant deal with feeling uncomfortable or Uchy, so in order I should feel better I try to do stuff that would make me feel better (Masturbating, No?..)

I also figured out that for a time period of two weeks that I was helping someone out in a hard situation I was clean the whole time WITHOUT me even working on myself! i was just so happy and relaxed that I just didn't do it. (Just a different coping mechanism, its a positive good feeling..)

I also figured out that trying to find things that occupy your mind and make you happy so you shouldn't fall is also not the solution. its just a band-aid.

so whats my conclusion??
​THAT I FREAKIN NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH MY UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS INSTEAD OF ESCAPING IT.Million dollar question, how do i do it..

ZDuvid wrote on 10 Jan 2017 16:59:

I'm not sure that I agree that helping someone is "just a different coping mechanism". I would say, when you are being productive and you feel happy, there is no nisayon. (NOT, that there is a nisayon, but I cope with it by being productive).

I think it is a wonderful approach, with the caveat, that when things actually get uncomfortable, you have another set of coping skills to get through it.

Really, healthy living is the best antidote. You just can't rely on it 100% of the time. And since, just one time acting out can send us on a nose dive, you must have other skills up your sleeve.

KUTGW!

I agree with you that when things actually get uncomfortable, you have another set of coping skills to get through it but ultimately its exhausting to need to try to always run and find something to feel good about yourself instead of learning how to sit in the situation and DEAL with it

I don't mean to "always run and find something to feel good about".  I mean having a life that is full of things to feel good about, so you don't have to go searching, and most of the time, you don't have a huge nisayon.