Kind of an angry/sad/frustrating day.

I looked at my tefillin this morning at it was mamish a war to get them on.... A REAL WAR.
Took me twenty minutes of looking at them, and multiple times trying to move away from them.... So today I was struck.... Why? Why put up with these wars? Wouldn't it be easier if I just said " Judaism brings out anger/frustration/sadness etc, so I'm not doing it anymore"
Wouldn't that be the great panacea I'm looking for? Yet, I can't help it.... Is it possible to rebel against the very essence of my being? Although I often feel frustrated by this "religion", it's not just a religious belief to me. It's who and what i am!

I have lost the battle of putting on tefilin Unfortunately way too often. Yet I battle. I know that at 3PM on a Thursday if I didn't put on tefilin I don't feel the same. If I don't daven, I don't feel complete. When I don't feel complete, instead of doing the things that I should to make me feel complete, I remove myself from everything through the releases I have created for myself. So why can't I just carry my pekela, why was it so hard today to just be like every other being? It's because I have not fully internalized who and what I am. Instead of being saddened by my existence and not understanding what the hell I'm doing here on this crazy world, I should be bsimcha that the borei olam cares enough to actually keep me here... He cares about what we do and say, it makes a difference.....
I just wish I could feel/see that!

looking forward to being able to get my feelings out in a healthy manner

Welcome and thanks for sharing! I can relate a lot to what you are saying! Stick around and keep posting.

Hatzlacha!

Welcome,

b'hatzlachah on all your struggles.