Hello all. I've never introduced myself, so here it comes.

I'm 30 yo, married and a father of few kids. Was struggling with masturbation for 20 years and with porn for 9 years on and off. As any slavery you never feel that something is wrong until you hit the rock bottom, and I had to hit it again and again before finally deciding to get changed. I got to a point that I hated my wife but decided to stay with her for the kids, while she hated me, called me her biggest mistake ever and said that she would love to smash my face with a baseball bat. I kinda understood her, I wanted to do the same. So I guess it was enough of rock bottom. I decided to get changed, and here I'm.

So 90 days passed, I can feel many benefits. I can feel various feelings now. I'm sad, angry, irritated and frustrated, and in a sense also tired and exhausted. Mostly bad feelings, but it's still much better than before, when I was only feeling one gray plain muddy depression.

I can't say I feel recovered. Of course not. But I had many glances of clearance these three months - I understood so many things. I changed my mind so many times. I got new attitudes that I was advocating against them for years.

Currently I feel very low power. While I have no urges to watch porn or masturbate, I still have terrible urges to chat. It's not about sex and it's not only with women, but it's still the same escapism and a very slippery slope. I don't want to be there. In addition I struggle with staring at random fine looking women at streets. I can easily distract myself from the views, I made it for these three months. But I still feeling like there is a huge struggle, something that I need to resist many times a day. It annoys me. Why do I notice women's body before noticing their faces? What the heck is wrong with my pervy mind?

These two things are so hard for me now. I really afraid to fall back to square one.

I know I showed an exceptional will power and self discipline for three months, but now I'm just tired, sad and discouraged.

Thank you brothers for reading.

Welcome!
Firstly it is inspiring that you are so honest, Honesty is not always easy but is very important for recovery.

Secondly you are not alone you have come to the right place many of us are husbands and father's we all have the same disease and want to recover.

So stick around I'm sure the pros will have important things to say.

Keep coming back because it works if you work it and you ARE WORTH IT.

WELCOME! Great first post! You have come to the right place for help. Read the handbook. Keep posting. There's a lot of collective experience to draw on here.

improvementway wrote:

A common sentiment here. I know I myself have verbally expressed this statement countless times.

Hi Improv
We all have the same feelings as yourself. You have created some positive momentum for yourself. Stick around here and you will learn so much from the wonderful people here. Just know that we all care about you and love you because we know exactly how you feel.

Welcome Improv

You realize you have improved although I am not sure you understand to what extent.
You are doing awesome -keep on posting and articulating your struggles. Get it out there as you have done. After all no one can understand you like us.

The street looking is my most challenging part of this stuff as well.

Looking forward to reading more of your posts.

Hello & welcome to this amazing place, I relate to every word you wrote, it's really heartbreaking to see that your relationship is rockey, however I also started not so long ago this holy path and am going thru a difficult time, THERE IS LIGHT ALONG THE TUNNEL, keep up the good you have done until now, you are worth it, you will have ups and downs feelings along the way, but its all worth the effort, I am BH doing much better and I am full of confidence that this will work out for the best for me, you and others.
Don't give up Hashem is with you always.!

WOW!!

Isn't amazing? I always thought that I was the only one that notices the body before the face, that is if I ever get to the face before I'm on to the next body

It's quite calming to know that I'm not the only crazy one out there....

I know the discouraging feeling, that feeling of "I tried so hard, why is this all still happening to me?!"

This struggle has been a constant uphill battle since I've started it, and whereas in the beginning I expected some things to go away after a certain amount of times, I have learned that those are also expectations that I can let go of and accept what Hashem wants of me now, regardless of how valid I feel my expectations to be.

You're feelings are not wrong, but that doesn't mean that you have to act upon them. I can acknowledge my negative feelings and then continue with what I know is the right thing. It's not always fun, it's not always easy, but it is liberating and rewarding!!

Do you have any friends that you can talk to, verbally, about your feelings?

Keep on improving!! You are certainly on the right path!!

Ah. Stupid rookie. He thinks that something wonderful will happen after three months of training. Shut up and go back to the line.