Most of us learned through trial and many many errors that certain things are bad for us. I doubt many of us here heard something sensible, and thought "I want to so the right thing so i'm gonna do that". Instead us addicts, who are missing a few screws, (I hope I'm not tarring everyone with my filthy brush; if yes, ich beit mechila) were forced to the realisations by the bitter painful experience of our missteps.
It could be that you will first get rid of highly triggering stuff and then realise that there's some more holes you need to plug (such as movies). My point just is that, assuming my history is the same as most addicts, you're unlikely to bin the movies just cos us Chevra here advise you to.

Oh and by the way I didn't i didn't plan it like this, but I went from porn to Hollywood comedies and f1 racing, then to rabbi yossi mizrachi (torahanytime.com and youtube) cos I found him so entertaining, then to rabbi fishel shachter who also is so entertaining and speaks to us addicts by the way - plus family and work. It's good to be busy. No time for garbage or for sin. My falls, when they happen, are almost exclusively on the weekend.

Please paste the link here for JACK'S Article titles "9 Tips". I'd like to read it. Thank you.

My experience is that since I started recovery I haven't watched anything at all likely to contain nudity. I also haven't had much time to watch anything at all, because pretty all of my spare time is spent doing something recovery related. I was never told not to stop watching movies and tv etc., I just wasn't willing to do anything intentionally that could put my sobriety at risk.

ps. I still haven't found Jack's Tips, but if it's from the Jack that I'm finding with several years of recovery, it would probably make sense to listen.

Thanks for your informative answer! Here is the link to Jack's Article-

guardyoureyes.com/articles/tips-suggestions/item/9-tips-for-recovery

Thank you. I will check out Jack

First of all thank you to the GYE family for all of your amazing answers, insight, advice and chizuk to my previous questions.
You inspired me, were non judgmental and made me feel comfortable and at home to share my experiences with you and ask you questions. In the past I have never had the guts to face or talk about my issues before.

Two weeks ago I was feeling low, sad, and sick of myself. Thank God I decided to check out GYE, and to make a long story short i am now clean for 10 days. I feel rejuvenated spiritually, emotionally, and physically .For the first time in a long time, although i'm learning that it's a long journey, a day by day journey, I think i begin to see the light at the end of the DARK and TWISTED tunnel.
So for that I just wan't to thank you guys and thank GYE.

My Question Is-I have been clean for 10 days now and my wife has been a Niddah for the past two weeks (she has not been a niddah for a good couple of years because of nursing etc.) and Mikvah Night is coming up very soon……..I have been reading a lot on the GYE forums that Intimacy should be about her…my question is-I haven't had intimacy for a couple of weeks, how do I make it about her, and not about me?
In the past i realize that i haven't really tried making it about her, because i found that even when I "Made it all about her" it was really all about me.

Any of your, answers, advice and opinions would be great!

Thank you!

Interesting question. Intimacy for me is also very much about me - even though I tell myself that I do try to do what my wife enjoys.
I was listening to the first part of a shiur by Pomerantz (reference on GYE somewhere) and he mentions that issues in the bedroom usually represent issues going on outside. Maybe if we put out primary efforts into making our wives happy outside the bedroom we wouldn't have so many such questions inside the bedroom.
This is a self-centred person talking, so I may be completely wrong. What do others think?

I'm dealing with this exact issue and shared about at my SA meeting tonight. The SA Whitebook discusses that for some our wife has become our last vestige of lust and the only answer is to surrender that. My experience was for whatever reason (mostly due to stress) I wasn't intimate with my wife staring a couple days after Mikveh for the rest of the permissible times. On what was the last night, I decided to give her the option and she said she wasn't in the mood. I started getting antsy for lack of a better word, and then I thought I need to be a good husband and right now that means to just to be there for her hugging whatever ... I had to surrender the thoughts of lust and accept the situation for what it was. To continue to entertain the thoughts of intimacy was going to lead to upset and frustration. I didn't pray, although it may have been a useful idea. The other issue that arises is that I cannot entertain thoughts about how now I have to wait another two weeks. Intimacy with my wife never helped my sobriety. I didn't even want to be intimate when I wasn't sober.


Btw, Do you look your wife in the eyes and express affection? That's very hard for me to do.

I don't know if this is the place to discuss intimacy, but i have simple practical steps to ensure it is about my wife rather than for my pleasure.
you can contact me privately if you wish.

serenity wrote:


If I understood you correctly, you lose interest in your wife a couple of days after mikva. I can relate to this (and the rest of what you said above) - and like you with me it's usually if I've been acting out. I think the losing interest thingy is typical addict. We need highs. So the anticipation of shiva nekiyim certainly has us keen for the first night. But after that? Does it offer the stimulation of out other avenues we've become accustomed to? And besides that, to our minds it's all about us so if there isn't something in it for me then hey, I'm tired. I know I've got plenty to work on "nesina" (as Reb Dessler refers to kindness in his kuntress hachessed), and as I said in earlier post, I resonate with Pomerantz's assertion that so much of these things are played out outside the bedroom.

serenity wrote:

Serenity, I've got issues and I don't have the best shalom bayis in the world - but I don't think I'm completely mental either.
I don't think I look my wife in the eye much while expressing affection. And I've never given it thought till now. Do you think you're making yourself anxious about a non-issue?
Am I completely off the mark in suggesting that if you liked yourself and thought you were a good guy, you wouldn't be thinking these thoughts?

I think this conversation should move to the BB section.

Once it's there, I'll give my three cents (where did two come from anyway?!).

I don't know how to move things. I do think it's important we address this because it's clearly bothering him.

No idea. I'm not trying to figure out whether I'm a good guy or not. To much thinking never helped me. I'm just trying to take action wherever possible. Looking someone is the eyes, whether it's your wife or your child, creates a bond.

Thanks "Serenity" I tried the Eye contact idea…….It worked beautifully