I have returned with a new name after a number of years. I didn't have much success with the last one, G-d willing my mazel will change now. I had a run of almost 4 years of abstinance from masterbation but it was a very empty "success" because I didn't guard my eyes and found many other sick ways to feed my lust. Now I'm starting from day 0 hoping for better. I've got this disease and I've got it real bad. I feel like I've tried everything but I know that can't be true. I want to live. I want to be true to my wife and children. I want to stand clean before Hashem and serve Him and not my sick lust. I am a hard-core addict but I'm going to try again. I want 90 days. I want to be connected anonymously. I want meaningful communication with others on this forum. How can I lead the seder feeling like this? I can't fully believe that my G-d won't help me now.

here's to getting up and trying again!

Welcome back sir,

You had 4 years, and now you want 90 days....90 days of what?
Can you please clarify what it is that you're not so happy with?
Many of us would be dancin' a jig for four years of no masturbation.
Now, if you don't want, you don't need to provide details, but some clarity please as to what you are lackin' might be helpful.

either way, welcome back and wishin' you hatzlachah

Please don't be discouraged by me. I simply meant that although I was "technically" abstinate for that time, I was doing many other things, too sick to mention here that were not "sober" behavior. Thanks for the welcome!

Welcome (back) Nati!!!

Wishing you loads of hatzlacha!!!

Like Cordnoy said some would be dancing in your situation. But if you feel you still have a lot more to do. Look at it this way if you managed over the masturbation you can overcome the other things your struggling with as well. I'm sure back in the day when you masterbated you didn't think you could do 4 yrs. right?

Looking forward to hearing from you and seeing you around!!

Have a Gut Yom Tov!!!

Welcome back Nati! Don't be so hard on yourself. I think your honesty is admirable and I can completely relate to what you're saying. I reset my sobriety date a couple weeks or so back and I was really not happy about it. I made arguments about how technically didn't have to reset the date and some agreed with me. My sponsor said it was my choice and you're helping realize it was the right choice. Although I stopped what I was doing and didn't finish masturbation, my behavior was clearly not sober and as you say what I was doing was sick. At the same time, I still have to give myself credit for stopping and you may want to give yourself credit for 4 years of no masturbation. Now I guess you can look at even more positive growth. You obviously have a lot of will power.

Hope I'm not rambling.

Hatzlacha!

Welcome Nati! You are here with a fresh new attitude. Please take into account how so many of us have fallen and then risen fallen and risen only to ultimately earn significant time of sobriety in our recovery process.

Believe in the fact that Hashem loves you and is yearning for your success.

I am heartened by the fact you took the brave step to join GYE.

Thank you, my friend. I do believe, as you say, that Hashem loves me. Although I don't always understand His love. I am trying to believe it it anyway. Yes GYE was a good step for me. I feel more comfortable around fellow yidden.

Nati wrote:


i didn't get discouraged.
I simply didn't understand.
I am still not clear, but that's ok.

Continued hatzlachah with your recovery.

Nati wrote:

At the risk of sounding overly religious, this reminds me of a vort my Rebbe says.
This week we say אודך כי עניתני ותהי לי לישועה. The literal translation is "I thank Hashem for He has answered me and he was a salvation for me." With different נקודות, it can be read "I thank Hashem because he has afflicted me, etc." Often, it is hard to recognize Hashem during difficult times, but we come out stronger and with a better attitude. Many recovering addicts have said that they feel a closer connection with God and in many ways, their lives may be better than non-addicts. May we all be זוכה to see the ותהי לי לישועה.

Such powerfull chizuk here !

We all stand with you Nati !! Good news on the way b"H !!