So I am new to GYE, only here for 3 days. My story is as follows:
I always struggled with porn and masturbation, going back to when I was 13 or 14, All the way through high school and beis medrash. It was never out of control, or so I thought. I would do it a few times a week and mostly without porn as those were the days before internet everywhere and smartphones so it wasn't readily available. I got married and thought those days were behind me. I still looked at porn every once in a while and masturbated every once in a while (mostly during nida times) but it wasnt all I thought about and I had a pretty good handle on it. About a year ago, I found some anonymous chat rooms while playing around one night and it woke up the monster inside me. I started going on it every chance I got looking for a girl to speak to. After a while of having no luck with that, I found that I could find guys to talk to a lot easier and that woke up the monsters older brother. I started almost exclusively looking for guys to sext with and talk about the most disgusting things. I knew it was wrong but I got hooked to the rush and so no harm in just talking so I didnt try that hard to stop. After a few weeks of that, the rush was starting to subside and I needed to up the game as an addict will develop an immunity to his drug of choice and need to up the dose. I started looking on CL for other frum guys and girls to hook up with. I wanted to try it and see if I really wanted to follow through or if it was just the lust speaking. I knew that this was really cheating on my wife but I didnt really have the intention at first to actually meet in person so again, I didnt put much work into stopping.
After talking with many guys and looking for weeks, I made up to meet someone on the street as a precursor to going and doing the disgusting things we were talking about doing. We met, and I really didnt like the guy and I realized what kind of person i was turning into. That turned me off of the whole thing for a few weeks until it returned with a vengance. This cycle went on for months where I would be obsessed with the hunt and then a dormant period where I swore I would never do it again. And on it would go. Until 3 months ago when my wife found some old emails on my phone revealing the depths of my perversion all at once. She reacted as you would expect and immediately telling me to get out and that she hated me. I called a family therapist and we started going together and by ourselves. There were many tears, and fights and they are still popping up occasionally. I of course stopped looking online and almost completely turned off the lust but it still pops into my head even though I know that I will never do anything about them again. I have seen the pain it has caused my wife and I know that I will never cause her any more pain. I joined GYE as a form of support to ensure that it will never happen again. We still have a while to go but we are on the road back to where we should be. To end with, I always thought of people who doing these kind of things as nebachs and never thought I would end up where I did. The way down is a slippery one and very easy to get sucked down to the very bottom. I see this clearly now and I hope that this can serve as a cautionary tale.
Warning: Spoiler!
