Hello GYE community,

I am married man of almost four years with a small child and IY"H one on the way. While there have been huge gaps of time (literally years) in between addictions, I have been addicted since I was 13. I grew up in a secular home with a porn and lust-addicted father. Since I was 9, my father had been telling me sexually-explicit jokes and exposing me to magazines at 12. I recognize that my psyche started off pretty damaged. BH, H' showed me His light in HS and I have been frum ever since. Between hs and a little post Israel I was pretty solid. Leaving Israel seems to have been the worst life choice I have ever made and I haven't shaken that feeling ever since.

Fast forward to about five years ago, when my addiction came back, there have been gaps of a couple months, but I have a pretty aggressive addiction, like clockwork it comes back every week. Occasionally a couple times a week. This has literally destroyed my life and I want nothing more than for it to be gone so that I can enjoy the rest of it.

I have tried davening and pleading, saying Tehillim, etc. but that hasn't helped. My drive to beg H' for help seems to disappear quickly, although I wish I would be more consistent. I try to stay inspired but it waynes. I am reading several "Garden of..." books and while I am continually inspired by them, I can't get myself to pick a book up when I am under attack.

I have been stuck in the same dead-end job for four years. A job that is alone and internet-based, which does not help my addiction. It's also not the right career for me and I am driven nearly mad knowing I am completely wasting my G-d-given talents. Not knowing what to do with my career hasn't helped. Ive never known and I feel like I live in uncertainty. I have read in many seforim, this addiction directly contributes to a feeling of confusion and certainly hurts your parnossa. When I am going through the rounds of the interview process, I have "almost gotten it" more times than you can believe. Then I fail an attack and don't the job...and repeat. I know that it is a punishment from H' and BH I am glad to be punished like that, instead of a different way, chas v'shalom, but I see the direct relationship.

I don't feel like a "Baal-Habiat" because while we get by, I cannot adequately provide for my family. This causes depression which leads to failing an attack which means I don't get the parnossa I am chasing at the time, which leads to a viscous cycle.

During an attack, I try listening to inspirational music, or read psukim of chumash, or tried to listen to a shiur or screamed out "Sheviti H' Linegdi Tamid!" Sometimes that helps, but even when it does, it seems to only push it off a day or two. I realize that every day is a new challenge, but I just don't know what I can do differently. I used to subscribe to the emails, but they usually had the opposite effect since my mind was clean and then suddenly I am thinking about my addiction.

My wife does not know. If she does, she hides it very well. I am fairly certain she would divorce me if she knew, based on the reaction she had the two times I almost got caught.

I know that H' still loves me and I fall to tears when I think of how much of a disappointment I must be to Him and to my wife. I have a lot of talent just waiting to be used, but this addiction keeps me numb. It has to go...Holy brothers, help me find a new way to beat this, please!

Thank you in advance for any feedback you share,

Still Fighting

Brother Still fighting we are sorry to read about your situation and anxieties. You seem to know or acknowledge that you have a certain lust-addiction . And that it started from very young age . I read in your words that you are feeling some despair about your situation especially by the fact that you keep on returning to your addiction . But i dont see any reason for despair especially by the fact that you admit you are addicted.
an addiction is exactly that , an addiction. a recurring vicious cycle that we are entangled in it and the more we fight it the more entangling it becomes ; like the insect escaping the spider web . The more he tries to disengage the more sticky it becomes. But there are many things that work ; you can check the GYE handbook as a start and learn how the 12 steps of AA work and decide to applying them . Let us know what you decided to do for yourself . Hatzalcha in your recovery.

Welcome and sorry on your situation.
My heart goes out for you.
similar to NA above, there are other tools as well.
did you download any of the pdf's?
there are 12 step books and aa books.
they are extremely beneficial.
did you open up to anyone real yet?
That also helps.
Perhaps try one or two of the phone conferences.
Let us know.

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME! Don't beat yourself up. You do not know why things happen, or if Hashem is punishing you. Leave that to Him. You also do not know that your wife would divorce you. Many wives are upset at finding out, but very few ask for a divorce.

Your upbringing, which you had no control over, obviously has a lot to do with where you are today. Forgive yourself, and work towards sobriety. The rest will fall into place. Read the handbook. Post on the forum. Read posts (you can check out some great stuff in my signature).

Many have been in similar situations, and are sober today. Many of us had to learn a different way to fight - by giving up .

We are here for you. Stick around, there's lots to learn here.

Keep posting.

newaction - Thanks for the reply. Your response was refreshing to read. I will start by finishing the handbook, and I will reassess from there.

cordnoy - Thanks for the reply as well. I haven't opened up to anyone but myself, H' and all of you. I am not sure what that will do, I know where I am holding. The funny things as that for months I have felt like I am on a seasaw. I get very into my learning and growing and I feel like I could take on the world. Then BAM out of nowhere I completely fall. The YH was quietly scheming behind the scenes. Now, the emunah in me knows on some level, that was H' sending me a sign that I still have plenty of work to do and not to feel high and mighty. So, once again I build myself up and fall. That's the pattern I seem to be stuck in.

gibbor120 - Thanks for the reply as well, it was very encouraging. Knowing that others have been in this place and made it out gives me hope. I know that everyone's situation is different but I just keep trying different things hoping something will help me drive over the "speedbumps."

I might be wrong but my gut tells me getting a new job could fix all this, but I realize there will always be lows in life, and I have to find a solution to dealing with those lows otherwise, I will end up turning back even if I do succeed

Dear still fighting, I cry as I write this. I am still overcoming this myself, as you can read in the topic I posted: When can I get married?

I want you to know that G-d loves each and every one of us so much! No matter what we do!(Of course He wants us to do our best, I don't know if that causes him to love us even more, but it definitely seems to cause us to love ourselves more.)

I also believe as follows: we all have an eternal purpose in this world-it can't be that G-d put us here that we should have to fall to pornography. We are here for a much greater purpose-bringing out G-d's name in this world. This is good for us and for the whole world.
Either way, my point is, that it must be that we are able to overcome this. There is no way that G-d put us here to eternally fall. There will be salvation. (I've also recently had times that I thought winning was not possible.)

I think that you are amazing. You had a father like that and you have this to deal with. You've been up and down. Yet you became frum and remain so, and are building a family! This is truly amazing!

Please remember you will be able to overcome this, with the help of G-d. (I tell myself this too.)

There is no need to despair, you will do this.

We are all rooting for you!

Whew, your response sent shivers down my spine. Thank you for your inspirational response. I keep rereading your fourth paragraph and it made me teary-eyed and helped remind me of the incredible matanot H' has continues to bestow upon me.

Ive read several times that at the root of it, attacks come when we feel that we are lacking. Reb Lazer Brody says that just as we make 100 brachot a day, we should be making 100 TYs a day. Maybe that will help us both.

I am rooting for you too! I will cheer with you when you can add another 0 to your current streak (it says "10"). You have the power to inspire, and I will try to refer to this post the next time I am "under attack."

Thank you again!

Hi brother.

The tool to "combat" this challenge is quite simply to begin to understand that you are not "combating" this at all. As the 'challenge" is merely hashem himself disguising himself in the forms of "addiction" and "lust attacks".
It definitely feels real.It feels painful, etc, etc, It it still him only. As nothing else exists in this world- Ein Od milvado.

All desires are all cleverly designed disguises for us to rip of the mask and bond with the source of the mask of 'addiction" etc.

This turns the so called battle into the exact opposite. It turns into a call from hashem- every time that the urge comes on- HI THERE MY DEAR SON - IT IS ME.
Talk to me. Bond with me. This is a lifelong process, but the only process needed. This is what all the seforim write to us in order to really understand the depth of it all, and the formula as how to proceed.

At the same time, the seforim also tell us the following.
As we continue in our process of attempting to do our best in all areas, there will be what appears to be "setbacks".

But the seforim tell us , that there is no such think inherently as a setback as all this was preplanned by the almighty way before we were born and before the then entire universe was created.

Evey single so called "setback", "failure' etc, etc, is precisely what is needed in retrospect for the bigger growth of the person, as the more darkness there is, so much more will be the light following it eventually.

Whether we think we can see the growth resulting from the "setback", or whether we feel or dont feel that we are getting better is irrelevant. As the creator knows what he is doing with or without our understanding or seeing it at all.

Dear still fighting, how is it going?

I need to do more. I need help. I reread the handbook and the taphsic method and am going to implement some new approaches, starting with a partner.

Welcome back! I just read your story for the first time... How are things going now?

Have you tried any of the 12 step phone calls? Do you have a rabbi, mentor, or friend that you can share your problems with?

Hey buddy it’s been awhile.
How u been?