Hi folks, bs''d you should all have hatzlacha in your journeys!

I wasn't raised particularly religious...we would drive to services friday nights, it was a bit of a guitar singalong. That wasn't long ago. I had a bit of an epiphany some years back reading a classic Jewish work and things have just gotten crazy since (with temperance always coming from outside just when it was needed, thank G-d.)

I got involved in filth early, well before torah caught my attention. Not just the stuff I'm here about, but also dark things, occult stuff, stuff for the power-hungry. I almost made some friends with similar interests. That was averted.
These were formative years. If not for my fear, I don't know where I might be right now.

Somewhere in the mix I caught on that I was more involved than was normal with lust. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I look into some scientific literature and found that what I was doing was hurting myself and exacerbating my bad mood, so I tried to do something about it, with minimal success. The religious impetus later made me succeed more, but I kept failing.

Come college. That's where I am now. First year I couldn't deal with the sorts of company I was forced to keep, and failed in more ways than one. I tried to gather some strength reading tehillim, particularly the first book, with english translation, learning the words, and later also the chapters of tikun klali. 37, 39, 42 were particularly moving.

I started acting weird...continued acting weird...still do. I guess I acted weird before, too. This year I recognized it as more than social inexperience, that there was some unhealthy anxiety keeping me from forming necessary social bonds. It didn't help that I convinced myself it wasn't in my best interest to associate with those around me. Doesn't help that I'm newly frum, another excuse to take my time fitting in.

Not that there's anything wrong with taking my time, in fact it has guaranteed my progress (not that I don't have ups and downs, many downs) and allowed me to keep the few important relationships I have (especially parents, especially parents) but all taken together I end up alone in the place where I am, and...I'm sure this site has said something like this to me a few times so far..."alone's not good where this stuff's concerned." This stuff: not just filth, other addictive behaviors. Particularly online gaming. I've installed some filters, I've identified some loopholes. I need some chizuk to close those.

I'm working on the social fears, but now that there's progress there, it's clear there could be some excision of the addictive behaviors. But I'm sure I'll need some help, so I'm here. Wish me luck!

We do!

Welcome, and Good Luck!

WELCOME! Thanks for sharing! We all have different experiences, but also have a lot in common. Read the handbook. Take a look at some of the links in my signature, and keep posting.

This is a special place where you can really share what is on your mind, and find others who have the same issues (and ideas for dealing with them).

Make yourself at home here, and keep posting.

Welcome! We may have different backgrounds, but in ways your story is like so many others. It's amazing that you've taken the step of reaching out to others for support and help. Keep on posting!