Watson wrote:


My dear Watson, what do you consider to be an addict and what is considered just falling in?

Hello and welcome! Hatzlacha on your journey to recovery! I echo everything that Watson said!

[quote="Watson" post=246850]

If your post is simply about lost potential, I can try to write a little about how it's never too late. Don't forget that R' Akiva only started when he was middle aged.

My post is about lost potential. I was hoping that there are other people on this forum with such issues so that we can work together to reach our potentials. I don't know of any other frum self improvment forums available. If you think I am in the wrong place and you know of the right place, please help me with this and I will be pleased that I came here for this alone.

Hashiva hi there ! You have not come here by mistake, you are in the right place. It took you lots of efforts and great valor to post here ,its a tremendous achievement from your part. But thats just the beginning ; the more you open yourself about what is really bothering you the better you will feel and in a better position you will be to get help. The words you used for your user name Hashiva li seson yishecho come from tehilim number 51 which talks about King David's prayer about what happened with bas sheva. That was not a mistake either. So feel free to open up an whatever issues you have in this topic . Wishing you lots of Hatzlacha in your journey to healing.

newaction wrote:


You are very intuitive. You brought me to the verge of tears (which are often close to the surface anyway). I am not ready to open up because I am sooooo ashamed. Ashamed of myself even in a place where my identity is hidden. Harey ani kechli molay boosha uchlima. I beg the ovdei hashem on this forum to bear with me and allow me to taste a small bit of the antidote which can maybe be offered to me here, even though I am keeping my secrets. I don't know if I will ever open up here entirely. Hashem knows it all and I admit to him. To him alone. Please help me anyway, because I am your brother and I am suffering. Suffering the pain of my loss, that is my neshama which I beg hashem to return to me.

My dear brother Hashiva we are with you and we feel your pain and suffering. Try to imagine somebody who goes to a doctor and tells him please cure me from my malady ."Ok" says the Dr "in what way can i help ?" "I wont tell you in what way but help me anyways " . With all the good will in the world the Dr will not be able to help.You can take your time , maybe you can read some of the forums of the Chevra here from their beginning and see how they opened up and shared their , struggles,problems and BE"H eventually their Yeshuos . We are all here in the same boat with the same problems and share the same lives . You have nothing to worry or be ashamed of . Behatzlacha !

Wow gevaldig comments here both by you and newaction. I wasn't expecting this response from you to newaction's comment. And this is chasdei Hashem that newaction responded as he did.

As far as shame, you are not alone. I was writing about my life today in my journal and recalling things from young age. I felt so ashamed while I was writing in a journal that no one ever even has to see about something that I was too young to even know what I was doing. That is the nature of my illness, it corrupts my thinking to make me ashamed, of something I did previously, at a time when I am seeking recovery, but when I am mamesh (chas viShalom) acting out in disgusting ways, not just writing or talking about it, I have no shame before man or God. I only have my compulsion and I am powerless over it. So am I going to listen to my twisted thinking and be ashamed to get recovery but not ashamed to act in a disgusting manner? I'd rather the whole world know I am a pervert than live one more day as one. Of course I need not go to that extreme, because I have chaverim that will keep my anonymity and respect my privacy.

And yes when I was 20 I gave up my dream to go into Rabbanus and dropped out of a smicha program because of my disease. I'm sure many here have thrown out a lot due to their disease. But that being said, I no longer "regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

Hatzlacha!

I cant say what will work for you. I know I was visiting this site and reading other peoples threads before I started posting about myself. It really helped me feel like whatever I post would be accepted and I would get positive feedback, like all the other posts. I have come a long way since I started posting within the past few months. All I can say is I understand why you are ashamed to post I was there, but it feels really good to post and get that burden off my chest

I want to start from scratch. The problem is that years ago I saw the Jew in myself, that is the legacy of our forefathers. Today, the Avrohom in me does not know me anymore and the Israel does not recognize me. Only hashem our redeemer can help. But I have sinned to him, and with my own doing, I removed myself from the proximity of my yeshua. With my wickedness, I have removed my tzelem elokim. I want to open up a sefer and learn. This is something I am so talented with and good at. But when I sit down learn, I just can't bring myself to begin. It seems as though the torah hakdosha doesn't want to know me as I am today. I can't blame the torah for that. I guess the yodea taalumos does not quite yet attest to the reality of my teshuva. So I am left with nothing. I don't wish to say where that can lead me. We say in the slichos צרות רבות סבבונו קראנוך ד' אלוקינו רחקת ממנו בעוונינו שבנו מאחריך תעינו ועבדנו ועדיין לא שבנו מטעותינו What a sad tragic story! This is my story.

Hashivah! Welcome again, come in take a seat make yourself comfortable, you are at the right place, don't worry take a deep breath, the chevrah here are special people so warm non-judgemental and so willing to help.

You have taken a great step by coming here, the courage to start posting, admitting to yourself and Hashem is your key to a beginning of recovery.

R' Ellimelech writes in צעטיל קטן סעיף יג, לספר בכ"פ לפני המורה לו דרך ואפי' לפני חבר נאמן, כל המחשבות והרהורים רעים אשר הם נגד התוה"ק ..... ולא יעלים שום דבר מחמת בושה, ונמצא ע"י סיפור הדברים .... משבר את כח היצר הרע וכו.... והוא סגולה נפלאה.

So you have something to work on, continue reading and posting, don't give up hope, it's never to late, day by day keep on trucking, be'hatzlacha.

R Tzodok write- gam ki eielch bgei tzalmoves loi iro ro ki ato imodi.
Just like when a persn does good, he knows that it is not him that is doing the good, but god himself, by the exact same token, when a person sins, he knows that it was gods doing that the person sinned. This is the cornerstone of Chasidus.

The primary reasons why god wants the sins to occur, whenever they occur, the seforim explain is because there is no light lke that of the light that follows darkness etc. This is behind all that goes on that seems negative.

Golus, sin, evil, etc, it is all pre-ordained so the light afterwards is that much brighter. The ways of god cannot be comprehended by us little humans. We cannot understand why some of us were seemingly chosen to sin more than others etc, but that is not something that should bother us, and that obviously is hard work even though the yetser hora via hashem makes us try to feel otherwise. Besides for the fact, that after all gilgulim, we all go thru the cycle one way or another.

So there are no real "mistakes" as god doesnt make mistakes. And if hes behind it all, by that token, everything is going precisely the way it was meant to be.
I feels painful, but thats our work, to internalize the truth in the face of the pain and that will gradually rid us of our pain.

R' Ellimelech writes in צעטיל קטן סעיף יג, לספר בכ"פ לפני המורה לו דרך ואפי' לפני חבר נאמן, כל המחשבות והרהורים רעים אשר הם נגד התוה"ק ..... ולא יעלים שום דבר מחמת בושה, ונמצא ע"י סיפור הדברים .... משבר את כח היצר הרע וכו.... והוא סגולה נפלאה.

can someone translate please?

Sorry for writing Hebrew only, here's my translation (I will not do the dots I will fill them in with the full text):

To tell each time to one's guide in Avodas Hashem, or to a trustworthy friend, all the thoughts and bad thinkings which are against the holy Torah, which the YH brings them up in his mind and heart, either when praying or learning, or when laying in bed and also during the day, and he should not hide anything because of being ashamed, and by telling the things, he brings them out from the mind to the actual, he then breaks the power of the YH that he shouldn't be able to overpower him so much next time, this is besides the good eitzah that he could get from his friend which is the way of Hashem, and this is a wonderful segulah.

Disclaimer: my humble translation, if anyone learns differently they're welcome to post so.

[quote="Hashivalisesonyishecho" post=246869]I want to start from scratch. The problem is that years ago I saw the Jew in myself, that is the legacy of our forefathers. Today, the Avrohom in me does not know me anymore and the Israel does not recognize me. Only hashem our redeemer can help. But I have sinned to him, and with my own doing, I removed myself from the proximity of my yeshua. With my wickedness, I have removed my tzelem elokim. I want to open up a sefer and learn. This is something I am so talented with and good at. But when I sit down learn, I just can't bring myself to begin. It seems as though the torah hakdosha doesn't want to know me as I am today. I can't blame the torah for that. I guess the yodea taalumos does not quite yet attest to the reality of my teshuva. So I am left with nothing. I don't wish to say where that can lead me.

Hashiva , All of the above mentioned was דברי היצר הרע . This is GYE here we are not counting sins or wickedness Gevald ! This is a clinic for people in recovery ,and it doesnt matter how many miles each one has traveled in recovery we are all in the same boat . according to the best of my knowledge and understanding there are no wicked people in this holy site INCLUDING YOU. Please stop hammering yourself down and say exactly the things that your yetzer hara wants you to say and think. Wishing you much Hatzlacha in your journey towards recovery and healing.

dear hashiva
im rather new at the sight so i dont have the knowledge of the and i dont say this lightly amazing amazing yidden here. i just want you to know that i read your posts it seems like your in a lot of pain your suffering i just wanted to say im sorry for you brother and i feel bad for you my friend and yes my brother. i cant imagine what kind of dissapointement it is that you go through in your life. i truly wish this site makes you feel better and can free you from your pain and guilt i know what you want is to get better but i think although driven by great aspirations you need to feel better as well. there is one thing about the community that you should know when people here say brother or thell help or there non jugemental im sure you heard that before. but i want you to know that evey guy means it for real we all really feel your pain and we all would do things that you i think would be shocked to see i know i was. let me tell you a little story im working struggling i think i posted my email here and some random amazing yid on the site gets in touch with me and tells me high im recovering as well can i help. i didnt respond untill he sent four and in not one was there a please respond anything always just caring and being there. the guys in the community are b'emes non judgemental they really as hard as this seems love you already (i hope thats not to chessy but there is not other way to say it) we are all here for you dont stop coming back i quote "insanity is when you expect different results from the same actions". maybe ask yourself these questions what have i been doing untill now to get better and how has that helped based on those answers do i need something new or not. always here hashiva smile hashem really loves i dont believe that he doesnt no matter what i hope my post helps you in anyway and have an amazing shabbos not as a yid whos fallen but one thats trying to grow