Hello

I recently joined the sight because although I have succeed to stop for sometimes a few months at a time I always seem to fall back. I think as time goes on I begin to have thoughts like

"It been so long since I acted out and I still feeling these urges everyday to act out its never going to stop"
"I'm not married yet so why does it matter if I act out(i mean without P**n" why is it so wrong who's it hurting, its only natural?
"or i'm very strong in other areas of my avodt Hashem so what if I'm not so good in this area so many others are failing to
"or sometimes I also think-"Everyday is so long and hard and its so hard to fight this war that's ever lasting with everyday being a unbearable battle and its not like i'm married(I.E when you know exactly how long you going to wait until you can be with your wife) so this could theoretically go on for years or even for the rest of my life!

so I guess my questions are how to deal with these thoughts and about seeing this eternal struggle in A positive light

I sometimes think why Hashem did you give me this challenge! why do I need this? why do you want me to suffer until I fall

I hope this is the write place to ask these types of questions as I said i'm new here and I really do want to stop because even through I don't yet understand why this is sin i know Hashem said it's wrong so i'm also hoping and praying that He'll help me
Find A Way

any answers are much appreciated
Have a holy shabas

blessings

welcome Nashoma

Nice to hear that your doing well in general, but I would like to let you know that the struggle wont end when you'll find your wife (wich I hope will be very soon)
The struggle after marriage can be even more harder, therefor be happy that your trying to get sober and normal before getting married.

Stay on the forums but first read carefully the Gye hand book to find your right way to recovery.

Try out the 90 day chart, try making the Taphsik methoud.

Keep up with your good word and you'll have a lot a better life, marriage, job, day!

Private issues can be sent to gye.help@gmail.com

Much hatzluche

I can relate to each and every one of your thoughts that you have. It can feel so confusing and impossible to deal with sometimes. As doingteshuva mentioned and many others too, this doesn't end when you get married, so dealing with it now will make it easier for then. Regarding your thoughts:
1)The more you work on it, the easier it'll get. As they say, "the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets. the more you starve it, the more satisfied it gets". I know it sounds odd, but it works. As time goes on, it gets easier in a certain sense.

2)Being MZ"L is assur, so acting out is out of the question. Further, it definitely affects you spiritually.

3)You can't pick and choose which mitzvos you want to do. We are commanded to keep ALL of them, not just the ones that are convenient for us.'

4)As you move forward in this fight, and make sure you stay occupied throughout the day, it won't seem like you're fighting this thing all day anymore. Some days will be harder than others, but it won't seem like an endless battle. The key is to try to take it one moment at a time. Don't worry about yesterday, tomorrow, or even 5 minutes form now. JUst worry about RIGHT NOW.

5)Hashem gave each of us our own particular battle because we can overcome it. We wouldn't be given something that's impossible to do. It may seem impossible sometimes, but we can do it! No pain, no gain.

Please feel free to post more questions, and comments. We're all here for you.

Your thoughts and feelings are very common. Recovery is about learning to live in a way that we are not constantly fighting. We CANNOT succeed if we are in a constant battle.

We learn to avoid triggers, both physical (looking at or fantasizing about women) and emotional (being lonely, bored, tired etc.).

We learn to deal with resentment, fear, etc. We learn to rely on Hashem and live with Hashem.

Getting married does not fix the problem. Sometimes, it actually makes it worse. Stick around. Read the forum. I've got some great links in my signature. Make some friends here. open up.

May your road to recovery be blessed!

Recovery ain't easy, but it sure as Hell is worth it!

b'hatzlachah

Thank you all so much for your replies and encouragement I really appreciate it:)

I like what you said Shomer Bro about only worrying about right now it gets very daunting if you look at the struggle in terms of months or years or even weeks and its comforting to know that if Hahshem gave me this challenge its means i can overcome it- even through I wish he hadn't.

If I could ask a few questions on some of the things
why would get married not solve or at least make the challenge easier in fact a few of you even said it would make it even harder?

How is it that one gets to a stage that hes not constantly fighting? there will always be challenges in this area. if I could give some bad examples to show that its a very different from any other type of challenge- its not like someone walking passed a non kosher ice cream store and buying a ice cream that person could say "i'm not going to walk down that road because I know the temptation is too much"- thus he avoids the challenge altogether. or a person who knows that when he goes to that particular shul he always ends up sitting with people who speak loshen hara so he decides not to go there altogether again solving the problem completely.

But with this challenge of lust its in your head its not an external factor its part of your very make up its with you when you alone, when you out with friends, when you lying in bed and even when u go to the bathroom its always there if i'm honest that's the hardest thing about it. that you can't run away and just avoid it.

dearest Gibbor 120 whats the cure or solution to this disease of lust, seems like as you said there so many triggers and you right its impossible to succeed if its always a constant battle.


Just as an aside I wrote this poem and I thought i'd share it as the forum recommends perhaps someone can relate

Thanks again
Blessings:)

My extension 01 12 14

As I hold my extension
This object that disconnects me
Clouds the truth
As I grip this outer alien thing
Its feelings being to take over
Rushing through my head
Abducting my once pure mind

I can’t remember when this latest battle started
What was the trigger?
Its battle after battle after battle
In this never ending war
My fake friend offering me cheap, short lived highs
Of happiness
Suddenly it’s all over!

Once again
He’s dragged me through the mud
Then let the anchor that’s around my foot go
As I sink deeper and deeper
Into the dark sea of
Guilt and shame
Further and further, deeper and deeper
Away from my Holy Creator


Leaving my finally lying on the dark muddy bottom of
Shame and disgrace
Making promises of repentance
Struggling and struggling
To get to my Creator far too far above me
On that bright surface of pure closeness

Until the next time my fake
Friend comes to my extension

Nashoma wrote:
Lusting in any form increases the desire for more, even with ones wife. It's not easy to have relations with one's wife, and not "use" her as a lust object.

In any event, the reason isn't important right now. The important thing is to deal with the issue at hand, and not rely on marriage to solve it. Many thought marriage would help, and they were sorely dissapointed. I am among them.

Nashoma wrote:
That is the 10 million dollar question. Lusting is often an escape, a way to avoid some sort of pain (very often emotional pain). By living in a healthier way. Creating healthy relationships with people and with G-d, we can deal with pain in a healthy way, rather than running to our favorite escape. For most of us it never completely goes away, but we can get better at it. I still have struggles, but far fewer, and generally much less intense.

Nashoma wrote:
I think my comment above covered it.

Keep reading, keep posting, see what has worked for others, and give it a try. If it doesn't work, try something else. One thing is certain, we must get out of our comfort zones to make recovery work.

ok; I wrote a long post before (and it was a good one), and then I got kicked off site, and it was lost. here was the gist: if one wants ice cream and then goes to baskin robbins and buys a cone, he is fine. if one is addicted to ice cream and goes to store, his cravin' is not satisfied. he always wants more. Let's put it mildly. I am addicted to ice cream. as a matter of fact, I could eat the entire damn store, and the one down the block as well. I like chocolate flavored ice cream; I crave banana splits. I adore strawberry sundaes. Vanillah is blah to me. I enjoy the icin' on the cake. I take the rocky road. I fantasize about Neapolitan. Sometimes I catch myself dreamin' orange creamcicles. I can go on and on about cherry vanilla and pecan nut and more, but the bottom line is one scoop just ain't gonna hit da spot!

Now, that bein' said, what I am learnin' to love is to be comfortable and content with my personal ice cream, and no, I don't plan on lockin' her in da freezer the rest of my life. But barrin' that, this is the challenge.

b'hatzlachah