Hi,

I am 20 years old in my first year in college in NY, i just finish 2 years learning in Eretz Yisroel. I have had such an up and down ride with my shmiras anayim and bris that i feel im just done with it.

I stopped the summer before my shana Alef, failed on succos, then got a sense of motivation and stayed strong till January, then i stopped till pesach time, and i fell with shmiras anayim during the summer, again February time and that stayed on till i finally broke my shmiras habris this past August for the first time in a year, it was a miserable experience.

With the exception of a 40 day streak of no shmiras anayim/shmiras habris falling during rosh hashana yom kippur, i really havent been able to stop since the summer. Each and every time i stopped i felt a new motivation, i put up new gedarim (filters/ long conversations with rabbeim) but i managed to fail each and every time!

I really have 0 self control! And now sadly i am still falling to my taivas and watching and acting out, but the difference is that im not feeling bad for doing it, i sometimes want to act out for no reason, i even have a tab open with porn right next to this one. I just dont even know where to start again, i have just failed so many times, i have done every trick, i just cant do it anymore.

I have put filters on recently but i have done everything to get around them, and if i didnt then i just acted out stam.

I have no drive to stop, and I really need help to get it back up to break out and stop.

I feel i am a ben torah with so much potential and this just something that is chaining me back.

I really need help fast!

Thanks!

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out Skep's tips in my signature!

Welcome! Reaching out is key, but even more is taking this challenge one moment at a time. Filters aren't perfect, they're only a geder. Of course if you really want,you can find ways around it. Thats why i set up accountability software on my smartphone together with blocked apps. So much better than just k9 which can be circumvented. It may seem like its all lost and impossible to improve. That's the yetzer hara talking! Don't listen to him! You have been placed in your own unique set of nisyonos and tayvos because you can overcome it. Otherwise Hashem wouldn't have done so. Keep on posting

Welcome.

Stick around.

It is difficult to pick yourself up in middle of a fall, but sometimes there are glimmers of sparks that shine thru and penetrate.

Find that glimpse.
Take it one moment at a time.
Reach out to the oilam here; you never know which statement will resonate with you.

b'hatzlachah

metman30000 wrote:


metman30000 wrote:


By my calculation you had a clean streak from the summer of shana aleph till Sukkos, from after Sukkos till January, from mid-January till Pesach, post-Pesach till Summer, post-Summer shana bet till February (an improvement from the prior year), February till August (sounds like most of the summer) and then again for Elul through Yom Kippur. Sounds pretty impressive to me and nothing to laugh about. You certainly had way more positive days then negative days. If a benoni is 50/50 and a tzaddik is more good than bad sounds like Tzaddik material to me. My friend your Yetzer Hora is pulling one over you. It is inaccurate to say you have zero self control. He is selling you a line. You can stop. Don't give up.
Another pattern that seems to emerge is that your falls would occur when you were on break. Lack of structure has that sort of effect. Bring some structure to your life. It will do wonders. Close the other tab, hold your head up high and stick around, with G-d's help you'll succeed one day at a time.

WELCOME! You are here for a reason. You obviously still care, and want to stop. I can relate to your sentiments. Feeling that it's just and endless roller coaster ride. You have certainly come to the right place. Read the handbook. Post. Read. See what works for you, and what doesn't.

Filters are great as a geder, BUT they are not a solution. I was on the roller coaster for over 20 years. It does not get easier over time, just harder. So, the sooner you deal with it the better. Maybe you need to see a therapist, maybe phone conferences. I don't know.

Like I said, try different tools and see what works for you. Staying busy is definitely one of them. Avoid being bored or feeling lonely.

Keep posting. You are on your way to a better life!

Hi there. Yes it's hard to keep on trying without seeing positive results. I was in your situation over 40 years ago, and it did not get better for many decades thereafter. But B'H it's better now - much better. And it was worth all the effort. We must realize that if we don't keep trying to improve, we will not stay in one place. Rather, we will ch"v keep sliding down the slippery slope. We really have no choice. Our very life (and that of our dear ones) is at stake. We cannot expect perfection. And progress may also not be within our own reach. We just need to try our best - and ask Hashem to do the rest.

Hatzlacha

MT

Welcome.

It sounds to me like you haven't lost your drive to stop, you've lost your drive to fight.

That's good. There's no point fighting because you're not in control anyway. Let the One who is in control handle things, you can just relax. Don't worry, He doesn't need any help. All you need to do is get out of His way and allow Him to do it.

Hatzlocho

You want a drive to stop, the answer is do you really wanna cross your red line? I don't think! so now about fighting, there's no fight because once we start fighting he the y"h wins.like the Teffila from a tana says "goluy vigadua lifanecha sheaiyn bonu koach lamod Bo" so learn what it means to let hashem fight for you
For me I say in my mind hashem this lust is not for me please take it away. this helps for 2 reasons 1 you already to a small degree distracted your mind, and 2 you reached out to hashem who can do anything even help with this. And I think at least some people agree that this helps a ton, hatzlacha and don't be a stranger

I totally agree! I sometimes ask Hashem to take away a fantasy that's plaguing my mind. Other times i simply asl Hashem to guard me and protect me from the yetzer hara because I'm too weak to fight him by myself. And you know what? It really does work.

What is up Doc? WHOAH WAIT! NOW ITS JUST WATSON? I think the good doc needs to change his name back to Doc Watson to properly diagnose and "medicate" us including metman!

How are you doin? Whats new?