Made it to shachris minyan this morning, got to work early and doing 4th step work. What could be better?

This perhaps gives me some insight into why seeking God through Judaism didn't help me in my addiction. Although I was pursuing God and Yiddishkeit, I wasn't tending to my resentments (and fears), which are at the foundation of my addiction. I was reaching out to Hashem, but didn't see that I was building a huge brink wall at the same time. It was like I was punching out bricks and letting light through and then repairing the wall right after.

Thanks for listening.

serenity wrote:


I think your seeking through Judaism did help. Haboh litaher mesayin oso. Hashem has given you the tools which help and has given you the insight to apply them.

Excellent outlook serenity , this was a great post. KUTGW and KOT !

p.s.by the way no need for borrowing phrases you were doing just fine.

On another note, today I was working on step 4. The AA Big Book (BB) asks me to look at where my faulty character lead me to be angry at a person. The BB suggests I look at my mistakes, Where was I: selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? In other words just looking at my own behavior I can find why I'm angry and resentful at a person, idea or institution. What comes it is that I'm a selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and/or fearful person; maybe more one than the other. So let me ask you something, is it any wonder I seek escape in the form of lust and fantasy (or in some other form.) What person who is selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and/or frightened wouldn't seek escape? That's why we need to get to the route cause of our anger and resentments to become emotionally sober people. This is probably elementary to many people here. For me it took, many many hours of step work and 20 months in 12-step programs (20 months AA and 6 months SA)to understand. Not that I needed to understand it in order to do it and I'm sure more understanding will come, but it's nice to be able to see how it makes sense.

Why did I write this out here, lomed? When you spoke about looking at women at weddings, I started to think about what to say about that. I mean I don't think anyone will say the 90 chart was violated, but it's lustful behavior. Do we address and quash the lustful behavior? Is that always our focus? Are we obsessed with lust, even when we are recovering? Did I lust, didn't I lust? Did I look 2 seconds or 4 seconds? etc etc. Maybe we can use opportunities like this, not to dwell on if they were a technical violation, but to look at ourselves honestly and say what's causing our lust?

For me in the example of the women at the wedding, maybe I would ask myself. What's lacking in my life, that I have this need to look at this woman? What am I escaping from? Where am I discontent with what I have? I might answer that, I'm afraid my life isn't going so well. I think I could have done better for myself. I'm afraid this world is it, and I'm missing out on the pleasures. I'm afraid that when I'm old, I'll regret how I lived life. Then maybe I will ask Hashem to show me his will and surrender myself to His plan. Maybe I'll be comforted to know that He is with me and has a plan for me. Maybe that will assuage my fears. Maybe I'm still overwhelmed and afraid and I need look more at my relationship with God. Maybe I need to pray. Maybe a review of steps 2 and 3 is in order. Maybe I need to sit down and work on step four and list my fears, so I can see how much fear effects my decisions. I guess that's one way my experience could go. How do you think it might go for you?

Hatzlacha!

What happens if one is not necessarily lackin' in life, or at least, not in his present actual situation? what happens when you get that feelin' of rush and desire upon leavin' a very successful meetin'? There was no discontent; only a euphoria of sorts. There was no need to escape....what is the 'explanation' then?

Thanks