the more im here on gye the more concious i become of my struggle the more i see it in my life the more i understand it. for so long i stoped trying cause i felt there was no point i can never win and it just got worse and worse. but since ive been here it my struggle has changed drastically. today was a bad day for me i fell in this struggle but something happened to me that hasnt happened to me in i dont know how long maybe years. i fought back i didnt want it i cared it bothered me i kept on thinking about you guys the community. i can say now that maybe for the first time in like ten years it feels like there is hope after all maybe when i finish my life it wont be with regret and sadness about how i lived. wow that sounds crazy even to me that maybe ill be clean again. i dont know if im an addicted i dont want to lable myself to quickly but i really dont see how i can beat this thing alone it just seems stronger than by a mile and i dont really understand how the surrender thing works. thanks for reading and may hashem help us all with everything

Breathtakingly honest and clear. I too fell today. What i realized was that as one of the other gye people said, you're only insane if you keep on doing the same things and expect different results. Life is about learning from our falls to be able to spring forward to even greater heights than before.

fighter26
Good progress! Almost there..........

At this point, what does surrendering mean to you?

Fighter, Hashem blessed me with a great parable into life and this struggle and I thought I would share it with you. Your last post about falling today makes it seem like your mind is really open to change your past beliefs and convictions.

Have you ever seen those little tricycles for kids with the handle on the back for the parents to steer? I have one for my 4 yr old daughter. She sits in front and pedals and steers down the sidewalk. When she starts to veer into a driveway towards the street or onto the grass, I CAN steer/turn her back onto the sidewalk.

In life, we are the kids on the tricycles trying to pedal down the sidewalk. Hashem is our parent holding the handle. The dangerous street and the clunky grass are addiction. In our point of view, we are steering and choosing whether to stay on the sidewalk or veer off into addiction. But the reality is Hashem is holding the handle and only He can guarantee we go straight.

Sometimes Hashem lets us go into the street if only to make us turn around in our seat and say, "Daddy! Help me! I can't steer this without You!" Then He steers us straight again. But we need to keep it in our heads: As far down the sidewalk we pedal, its only because of Him we stay straight, and the second we forget, He might let us turn into the street again just to help us remember who's really in control.

The 1st step of the 12 steps is recognizing our view of control over the tricycle was false. we have no control. And so in the next steps we start practicing recognizing that Daddy is in control steering for us. we ask Him to start steering us the right way.

Sobriety comes when we realize each day that Hashem is keeping us straight on our sidewalk. Now here's the really amazing part:

Once we realize and see that Hashem/Daddy has been steering us the whole time, that He has the power to keep us straight on the sidewalk, we realize that the streets and grass we're trying to avoid rolling into are no longer just addiction. They're every negative attitude and emotion. Anger, sadness, jealousy, greed, pride, arrogance, worry, fear, etc., He's able to steer us away from them too! We just have to keep remembering that He's the one steering our tricycle, not us.

I hope that view helps. You mention reluctance admitting addiction. Whats so bad about officially being labeled an addict? Only you know. You dont have to tell the whole world. And the guys at meetings admit it too. and they dont judge. And if it helps you try to work the steps, connect with guys here, connect with Hashem, then I think its a great thing to do!
It worked for me! Hatzlacha!

This following speech is from a great speaker in aa he covers lots of essential conceptions about what is recovery for and who it really works for.

www.dropbox.com/s/ahthyh2lhoadxav/joe-h-pacificgroup1990.mp3

Enjoy I'm glad I'm here today.

Please feel free to contact me if I can be helpful to you in any way. My name is Yumi from Boro park.

Email is bc2010deals@gmail

Welcome Benny,

glad to have you along.

Lookin' forward to gettin' to know you better.

b'hatzlachah

dms1234 wrote:

well i wanna thank metal king for you parable its quit cool thanks a lot.
second surrendering mean to me well as i continue on this journey of (well i was gonna say mine but there is no way i would have even gotten started without you guys so...) ours it becomes more and more clear that i am not strong enough the weird thing is it makes me feel ok with myself and good as a whole. i dont really understand it but the more i think it the more it makes me smile. is that weird for me ya but the fear of the next battle and the guilt that i carry with me all the time are not so much there anymore so im better as a person happier during the day being nicer to people around me and i feel like fighting or i guess trying to avoid i hope thats enough of a description thanks again guys and may hashem be with all of you always and forever

Part of the problem is we are brought up to think Hashem wants us to fight this addiction.(YH depending on your school of thought)

You're fighting a lethal disease. ( angel if you hold YH) Hashem never expected us to do the fighting. He just expects us to rely on Him. The second we learn to rely on Him (surrender) to fight this battle, its a tremendous weight off our shoulders. the weight of struggling against the impossible, the weight of persecuting ourselves for failing until now, the weight of going thru life alone.

I believe the good feeling you're feeling is the relief from that weight.

I think you are going in the right direction! Keep (deep) breathing and smiling!

i just wanted to ask for a bit of advice. my big problem with lust is not the first day the second. even after that but at a certain point it starts to haunt me. its not like anything else in my life which last a couple of hours and then goes away. one hour two hours that i can handle but it just doesnt stop for a second for days sometimes and then inevitably if i have one weak moment i fall. i can battle i can try i can stay away from things that have anything to do with lust but when im in those days i have to be totally good emotionally and everyting else if i have a weak moment then i fall and inevitably after some time i have one so i always fall. its like torture when i reach breaking point its just every second it drives me nuts so i dont know what to do i really would appreciate any help thaks guys i hope its written clear enough

Doesn't that show that you are usin' lust as a solution to somethin' that is botherin' you?
Perhaps, focus on that instead of the lust.

b'hatzlachah

yes, it does build up. The goal of recovery is to deal with the source of the issue so that it does not build up. In recovery people learn to live differently so they do not have to fight (at least not as often). How do you deal with stress? Do you have a friend that you can shmooze with?

ok thanks ill try your advice and no i dont really deal with stress very well im not sure where to go with this though how should i live would reading the big book alone help thanks again

Yes; it would help; it is not a perfect solution though, for it is better with a partner or a group, but there is a lot there that can help you manage the stress much better than you are now.

b'hatzlachah