Looking back at the time I signed up to GYE my life was far from exciting. My wife found out about my addiction and our sholom Bayis was falling apart. Those were the worst days of my life. but the fact that I found out that there was a place that claimed they where able to help people, and offer me hope made me very excited.

I never believed recovery was really possible and I was sure I would take my addiction to the grave. I sometimes hoped It would happen sooner so I would have less a chance of getting caught.

I was very scared to share my addiction openly to anyone, I hung up the phone a couple of times on GYE just as someone picked up on the other end. But when I did stay on the line and spoke to the representative it was such a wonderful feeling A. To be able to admit verbally and honestly that I was an addict was a very powerfull experience
B. Someone listening to me and not judging me
C. That here was a man that had the same issues as me and was actually sober.

I signed up to GYE very excited that I would be sober one day. I started the 90 day chart and phoned in on duvid Chaim's call and signed up for the daily chizuk. This erev Yom
Kippur I reached 90 days for the first time.

I have a lot to write about my journey and the discoveries I had along the way. I need a separate post for that.

Just this week after a hundred plus days clean I had two nice falls pretty much to the same place I started off as if nothing changed.

But I am still very excited.
A. I know that I will never be the same as I was before I started recovery. the progress i made during the past 3 and a half month have changed me forever.

B. I feel so much more prepared, capable, and empowered to move on and deal with the core of my problem- pain/ego/ self centered.

C. The most exciting is that the phone conferences are resuming tomorrow/ today. and stating the cycle from the beginning.

I really thank everyone on this forum for being so open and honest it really helped me along the way even though I never posted before.

Thanks for letting me share.

Levi

Welcome
Very nice post.
Great attitude.
Will you be doin' anythin' different this time around?

I've had those falls after long streaks as well; it's tough, but again, great attitude.

b'hatzlachah

Thank you for the compliment

I'm planing on sharing my experience on the blog.

But I think more importantly I will try to continue working on my addiction.
i think my problem was I was to comfortable being sober I slaked off working. i felt like I was ok since I had a really great 90 day period.

I think I'm going to be more conscious about my addiction and not trust my self so much.

Quick question how do I change my current streak status I do t feel comfortable with it being 90 days

go to the 90 days link and then to wall of honor.
you will see your name there with options to change.

WELCOME! Thanks for sharing. You pointed out one of the pitfalls of the 90 day chart. It doesn't end at 90. We have to be careful every day. I have over 5 years sobriety, and I have no doubt that I could slip back to where I was very easily. It looks like you are off to a great start. Keep it up! Keep on posting!

How has your shalom bayis changed since you started recovery?

Thank you very much for showing interest

My shalom bais has improved immensely.
Just starting to listen in on the calls changed so much of my life, I was more present, I was in touch with my emotion and therefore I was able to truly be there for her and not just for myself.

I am a real armature and don't know much but the little I Learnt from the program was a real eye opener to myself and my REAL problem.

This might sound funny but the most rewarding part of my recovery journey was when one night my wife said something insensitive to me (not directly related to my problem) and I started to cry.

This was the first time in my life I can remember that I was able to cry. Not because there wasn't a reason to cry. I just didn't know how to feel I didn't know how to express my emotion even to myself.

Crying that night was the the reawakening of a long lost buried soul crawling out of her grave.

Now that I am more aware of my emotion I feel I can actually share my life with wife.

Before I wasn't aware of myself and therefore couldn't share anything about my life with her. Because I didn't have it myself.

I relate.
When I was a few months clean, there was a particular incident that occurred which was very painful for me. It brought up a whole slew of painful things missing from my past and such stuff; I was feeling empty and alone. And instead of self-medicating with lust, I got to experience the full brunt of what I was feeling. It was such a gift. Getting to figure out a new and healthy way of handling deep, raw emotions. And Hashem can become part of the picture so much faster when we aren't dulling our experience with lust.

Thanks for reminding me of that.

WOW! Welcome!!!

Some of Skep's tips may help!

KEEP ON GOING! And let us hear more!

I am slowly getting out of this routin I had a good and sober day today. One day at a time.

I somehow have a hard time reaching out when I'm at my low. It's like I need to get out of this mess myself and then I only then do I have a right to reach out.

I wonder why?

i hear ya! It helps to reach out even when you are not in trouble so when you are in trouble its like habit. There are many guys here that are willing to help you but most of all be friends with you!

Like DMS wrote, it helps to have someone you can be in touch with on a regular basis and share what's going on in your daily life - Good things, not so good things, concerns, hopes, etc.. In this way, you'll be used to sharing and will be more likely to when you need to.

I'm working on this as well.

veryexcited wrote:


I dunno the answer and will leave that for the thinkers but I can just say that you are definitely not alone in this feeling and i would venture to say that most of us have had or still have this issue

Thank you all for the advice and care.

What I'm understanding, that the key is, to work on it when your in a good place that you will be able to help yourself when at the low.

I would love to have a partner, buddy. Is there a way to see what time zone people are at? I live in the west cost and would love to have someone I can talk to at night after work...

Or if there is anyone here that know who I can contact I would appreciate it.