I went to a meeting last night and someone shared that there may be a situation in which he can act out with someone he lusts after very heavily. He was saying how there is no way he could stop himself, only if the circumstances don't work out will he avoid acting out with this person. He seemed to be upset about this fact.
Afterwards I gave him some feedback. What he said is a fact for me. I can not stop myself from acting out. It's not a problem, it's just the reality. So I really resonated with what he said. There's no reason to be upset about it, I am not less then because I am powerless over lust. I need a higher power to keep me sober, whether that be god or even the group itself.

He's obviously not that upset about it. Please don't confuse powerless with lack of choice.

serenity wrote:


I am not sure how you would know he wasn't upset. What am I confusing?

I am going through a lot of strife with my father right now. I went to an ACoA meeting (my father isn't an alcoholic) and i felt like someone took my most vulnerable charachter traits and wrote it down in a book. I felt a very deep intense shame that everyone in the group knew exactly how I am.

I have to realize that just like SA recovery is ODAAT, so too recovery from a dysfunctional relationship is ODAAT. I am really upset at my father and at myself, I feel deficient because he is angry at me. Like I am bad because he is upset. It's hard for me to internalize that he is a sick person and we are on completely different wavelengths, his perception of me isn't who i am. I am who I am, I am not who I am because of him (or my mother for that matter). It's not gonna change overnight and I am still very much intwined with him and my mother. I feel like an abuser that is going back to an abusive relationship because it's so hard to just break away. I am going to continue therapy to help me develop a healthy, independant sense of self.

Shlomo24 wrote:


If he was that upset about it, he wouldn't do it. It's sounds nice to us when we say boo hop hoo, poor me, poor me, pour me a nice hot chickseh.

serenity wrote:


I guess that people have different opinions. I don't believe I was ever happy to act out. I was always upset. I also was focusing on the fact that he was upset that he couldn't stop himself...

Shlomo24 wrote:



I understand what you're saying and your point is well taken. My response was what my instincts were telling me at the time. Maybe I was off. I will say that you won't hear sober people talking that way.

that i agree to

so i've been thinking a bit lately (ya i know #bigchiddush). i lust primarily for men and i am incredibly happy for that. i honestly don't want lust for women, i find women beautiful and pretty and whatnot but there's no lust there and i really have no desire to view heterosexual porn or women undressed or wtvr. i am very content with this b/c i have the opportunity that many guys don't have... i could have sex with my wife (iy"h) and not have it be about me, it could be about the connection or about her, the lust is just not there for me. now this is all hypothetical but that's my outlook for now. i also am a big fan of clothes and design and even certain tv shows that people portray talents on stage, all of those things have women dressed seductively, but it doesn't bother me at all! i am free to enjoy things i have an interest in! the only moral setback i have is that it's not tznius, however i am accepting myself that i really don't care abt that for now, maybe when i get holier, but not for now.

although i am an obsessive person by nature and sometimes images leave a mental footprint that i need to surrender just b/c it's on my mind and i'd rather not think of it. the same thing with romantic fantasy, it keeps me from being present so i surrender. although i must say that my romantic fantasy is primarily for women, about how amazing marriage and love will be. i need to remind myself ODAAT and to surrender.

so my lust for women has been going up. (it's kinda awkward when you look at my above post ). it's mildly upsetting but i am trying to let go and let god and not fight it. if god wants this for me now then there must b good reason for it. trying to accept that. much easier said then done.

also i am going to yeshiva/college in january and it hit me pretty hard last night. i haven't been learning full time for a while now, even though i was in yeshiva, but i am making concrete decisions terminating learn full time. i think it's the right thing to do and i am excited, but it's hard for me to accept that i am not my ideal self. my ideal self is this really shtark (but cool also) guy who learns all day and is sweet and nice and everybody loves him. needless to say that is not me currently (yet ). so i felt a deep pit in my heart when i realized that last night, i felt like i was giving up a dream. sometimes it's very hard to not let emotions cloud decisions b/c i am confident i am making the right decision in terms of college but my emotions are making things a bit fuzzy. i am going for psychology, for the sole purpose of doing what i feel is my tafkid and for ratzon hashem. in terms of parnassah it's up to god anyways no matter what occupation i have. i may as well move towards something with inherent meaning and something i feel i'm good at (and others in the field believe i would be good at it too). but even with all this good motivation i still felt a little morose last night... i am feeling better now b"h but it's on my mind. which is normal i guess.

additionally i am developing a relationship with my rav and things are going really well. we learn at least once a week and we are in good rapport, we might learn twice this week. had a really good talk with him about the role of torah in my life, felt positive afterwards and feel like he gave me good tools to understand the problem i have in terms of grappling with how torah effects my life. also i'm gonna talk to dov about torah and saving from aveiros. reason being is because i had a long convo with someone last night and i feel confused about that concept in relation to me.

I am going for pre med in college next month. I am really nervous about it because on one hand I don't doubt my intellect and abilities but everyone seems to be saying that pre med is hell on earth. Also the 3 subjects I didn't do so well in were geometry, trig and chemistry. Granted I had terrible teachers on all those courses and many others didn't do well, but still I am nervous because pre med has a lot of math and chemistry. I am planning on studying chemistry and math for the next month to get back in the game but I am nervous. Also i had terrible study habits in high school and i did well based on pure wit. I am nervous that I won't put it the required effort to maximize my potential. I do have one solace which is that in sobriety I have been doing things that I thought impossible before and I have been taking care of myself much more. I am very motivated to study and do well in school, but only time will tell. I ask god to help me with all of this.

Also I would like to know if anyone who went through pre med can give me some pointers. I also would gladly accept tips from anyone who was successful in college or even those who weren't if they can pinpoint where they were sub par.

Great to hear. Hatzlacha Raba! I tried to pre-med courses and bombed out on physics.
was afraid to take Organic Chem (was not frum at the time so had know idea about praying for help!) yes had very poor study habits.Regret not taking Speed Reading.think that would have helped me.
Love to hear how about your progress....

I have changed my avatar. The toucan thing was a bit old for me, kinda got bored of it and I hope that my avatar can brighten my or others day. I may edit it in the future, add a couple things.

Also, I realized something about myself really positive today. A rebbi/mashgiach/shaul umayshiv of mine is going to be speaking with the yeshiva/college that I am going to iy"h. I realized that I have absolutely nothing to hide, no skeletons in my closet per se. Yes, I am a sex addict and that has to be dealt with privately but in terms of the public persona that I display, what you see is what you get. I feel like the outside me and the inside me are very much in line with each other. Which never happened before in my life. I really need to thank SA, and more exclusively my sponsor, for helping me become so genuine. I am not perfect but I at least feel very genuine. The biggest shkoiach goes to the eibeshter for bringing me along the way, giving me strength I never believed I had, and for making this world tailor - made so I can succeed. So just to be formal, SHKOIACH! (I know he reads my posts).

I have always had a bad relationship with my father and I realized that there's a lot of dysfunction with my mother also. Something came up recently (not going into details) that my SIL called me about. She is a therapist plus she has internal knowledge of being part of the family. I really respect her opinion. I was going to reveal something to my father which she suggested I don't do. I thought it wasn't going to be a big deal and that although I expected my father to be mad, I didn't expect anything major to happen. I kinda have always blamed myself for the relationship with my father. We talked for a while and she told me straight out that my father is abusive. It's hard for me to view him that way because I always blame myself for everything that happens between us. But thinking about the situation clearly it is very evident that the situation is abusive.

My struggle is to find the balance between calling a spade a spade and not taking it too far. It;s very hard to say that my father is abusive, but he is. Thank God not physically, but emotionally and verbally. It's also hard for me because on the outside one would never know that he is. He is a well respected member of the community and we look like a regular normal family on the outside. B"h most of us have turned out all right but from top to bottom the relationship with us and our father is limited and strained. He isn't an intimate part of our lives for the most part. For some reason that makes me sad. I am not sure where I am going here, kinda just expressing my thoughts and feelings I guess. There's something concrete about putting words to thoughts.

Also a frustrating aspect is that what I wanted to reveal is now going to need to be hidden. Which I don't like. I am in a program of rigorous honesty and now I have to scale back. For my own good, but still it's slightly frustrating. I had no problem lying when I was in active addiction but now I am trying to turn over a new leaf and I have to limit myself.

I was also told to limit the relationship with my parents to the minimum, which is also hard. As much dysfunction as there is, it's still home. I don't have anywhere else where I could raid the fridge . My parents also want me out of the house more, which I am definitely out more often then not, but it's a very strange feeling of not being wanted in my own home. It kinda makes me want to get married so I could have my own home and my own place, someplace I could go to instead of bouncing around all over the place by friends and whatnot.

I hope I made sense. If anybody has feedback I would appreciate it, especially if people have tools of how to navigate an unhealthy relationship.