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TOPIC: Big Steps 129698 Views

Re: Big Steps 10 Dec 2014 04:10 #244959

  • shomer bro
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Now that you're in a clear state of mind, sit down and try to figure out what caused your fall. Were you frustrated, angry, scared, alone, etc. What were your thoughts leading up to the fall? Were you slacking off in general in the fight and shemiras einayaim? Answer these and plan for the future.

Re: Big Steps 11 Dec 2014 01:50 #245012

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Pick yourself up, and get back in the truck!

I can't remember if I pointed you to Dr Sorotzkin. He explains why sometimes we are attracted "davka" to people that are very frum (or perhaps in your case chassidish).

He can say it better than me, but basically, getting close to someone who outwardly appears to have no shaychus to acting out, give a greater feeling of closeness. There is a greater feeling of intimacy than with someone who is loose with everyone (a goy for example). You feel like you are special, not 1 in a million.

The craving is for the closeness to another. Only, it is an illusion.

See Dr Sortzkin's article here: drsorotzkin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/eng-psych-factors-sexual-acting-out.pdf . It's a great read!

Re: Big Steps 15 Dec 2014 18:16 #245161

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i think that i am out of the deep part of the rut. i still may be in "hangover" mode because i am thinking about sex a lot more. for example i went to a store where the clerk was really attractive and i can't stop thinking about him.

however, on a really positive note, i had an excellent schmooze with my mashgiach last night for about 45 minutes. i walked him home and then we stood outside his house for like 10-15 minutes talking. i was talking to him about getting a dveykus to hashem and what i could practically do to attain that. also my rebbi said that the greatest way to create dveykus is through limud torah. i asked him about that.

first we established that there is a god and he wants us to get close to him, using the mesilas yesharim's logic. (for another time). then he explained that there are 4 levels of dveykus 1) a maysah mitzva 2)tefillah 3)a mitzvah that requires a brocha containing "vitzivanu" 4) limud torah. (i'm pretty sure that was the order, tefillah may be number 3). he explained that a stam mitzvah, such as shatnes, is done specifically because you want to do gods will, that's one level of dveykus. the next level is tefillah where you are actually talking to god and doing his will, it's a bit closer. the 3rd level, such as tefillin, when you make the brocha you're saying that i am doing this mitzvah because god specifically wants ME to do the brocha, he commanded ME (vitzivanu) that is an even higher level of closeness. the highest level is limud torah for various reasons. reason one is that every sugyah is shas boils down to one basic question: what is hashem's ratzon in this specific case? then there are ways to try to find out what that is. also when you are learning you are speaking out loud asking what is hashem's will. the reason why talmud torah trumps all is becauses hashem speaks back to you. through all the various meforshim, the tannaim and amoraim, the ramban and rav akiva eiger, the ketzos and rav nochum, hashem is telling you how to figure out his will. they wrote those seforim with pure seyata dishmaya and now hashem is telling you his will how to ounderstand the situation. when it comes to halacha lmaysah, hashem says that there is a code of laws, and if you follow his laws (which are all created bisiyatah dishmaya) then you can get an emes psak.

i feel like i have what to work on to create a dveykus and i now have some starting point of what i should do. many times we do mitzvos without feeling and without thinking why we are doing the mitzvah in the first place: to do ratzon hashem. thinking about our mitzvos automatically creates dveykus and closeness. when i put on my tefillin this morning i really concentrated on the word "vitzivanu" and thought that god himself commanded me to to this, the mitzvah had so much more of a feeling. also during davening i actually focused on the words that i was saying. additionally, the limited first seder that i had (monday is psychologist day) was really geshmak.

KEEP ON TOUCANING! YES TOU CAN!
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

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Re: Big Steps 15 Dec 2014 20:25 #245175

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I know that for me, trying to be holy (and perfect) were poison. I needed to learn to be "normal". All the pushing and striving just made me OCD and stressed. And I had a great stress reliever . Except that it made me feel guilty and low, and er stressed, so I had this great stress reliever ... You get the picture.

For some of us, "striving" has a negative effect, and we need to learn to chill a little.

Re: Big Steps 17 Dec 2014 17:45 #245282

  • Shlomo24
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gibbor120 wrote:
I know that for me, trying to be holy (and perfect) were poison. I needed to learn to be "normal". All the pushing and striving just made me OCD and stressed. And I had a great stress reliever . Except that it made me feel guilty and low, and er stressed, so I had this great stress reliever ... You get the picture.

For some of us, "striving" has a negative effect, and we need to learn to chill a little.


i appreciate your concern but for me this has a whole different take. i have been searching for a genuine spiritual experience my whole life, and i am feeling more connected then ever with this mehalech. what he told me made me feel really positive. the way that i am going to get healed from my sickness is through spirituality, it is probably the main point of all of sexaholics anonymous. sa was based on this principal, getting close with a god of our understanding, i feel that this is the way to get close. i am not striving to be "holy" or "perfect" at all.
the method of chilling works, but only for certain things i have realized, i feel that this is a good starting point for me.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

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Re: Big Steps 17 Dec 2014 17:57 #245283

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Keep in mind though that SA always tells us that it was our thinkin' that got us into this mess in the first place; how can we think that we can think our way out of it?

that bein' said....our motto anyways is...WW!

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Big Steps 17 Dec 2014 21:25 #245299

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I agree with cords. Just sharing my experience. If it works for you, great!

Re: Big Steps 17 Dec 2014 23:28 #245311

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cordnoy wrote:
Keep in mind though that SA always tells us that it was our thinkin' that got us into this mess in the first place; how can we think that we can think our way out of it?

that bein' said....our motto anyways is...WW!

b'hatzlachah


Cue Einstein quote...
Roy in the SA White Book noted that we frequently prayed and it did not work...because the best we could muster was begging G-d to "Please take it away, so I will not have to give it up!

No amount of sobriety can cure the insanity -ChaimCharlie

The emmes hurts but fake chizzuk will hurt more -Bards

Remember, best block, no be there - Mr. Miyagi

Re: Big Steps 04 Jan 2015 17:07 #246528

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I haven't posted in a while, haven't really been able to access gye. I have a couple updates on my (sometimes) dramatic life. First and foremost, I have been gradually trying to get closer to god and i think i have some of the right tools now. I actually had a new convo with my rebbi and i really explained myself this time about why i was interested in learning chasidus and he was maskim. i iy"h will be learning with a chassidish rebbi (not a rebbah) that my father knows or a chassid that lives nearby whom i recently met. I am very excited for that. also guys have chassidish seforim around yeshiva so i am checking some of them out when i don't have any other limudim that i need to do.

Also god has kept me sober now for 2 weeks 6 days. I do not focus on the amount, rather on the quality of my sobriety and the current moment, thank god it has been good quality sobriety. I made some changes in my program and it seems to be working thank god.

Additionally, i have found that my attractions for women are higher then before, it's pretty amazing thank god.

Also i have been doing a lot of reaching out to gye members, especially ssa members, i have been trying to help others with their struggles and i seem t be also helping myself in the process.

However, i do have one big recurring issue that i would like the family's help on: I have an issue of consistently waking up on time for shachris/seder and it is effecting my self-esteem/chavrusas/social life, thank god the shame is not as much as it used to be when i used to miss, but it is still an issue. I have a plan worked out involving my roommate ripping off my covers every day, but for some reason i always have an excuse why he shouldn't. I also have been going to sleep much later then i should. The interesting thing is that i'm not stam futzing around, i am usually doing productive stuff, but i should be getting to bed much earlier. Does anyone have any ideas that can help me?

YTC!
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Big Steps 04 Jan 2015 19:49 #246531

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maybe easy will do it
try making yourself an achievable target for bet-time
if you go to bed 1am, try to make a deadline of 12:45 am, honestly, not earlier then 15 minutes of your existing habit
then after a week move it another 15 minutes, not more
when going forward gets tough, its merely a sign that you are going uphill, just give more gas
put your sobriety first; before your wife, before your kids, before your avodas HaTorah (except for the 3 that are יעבור ואל יהרג) Without sobriety you won't have any of those things!

Re: Big Steps 04 Jan 2015 20:48 #246535

  • cordnoy
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As a bochur, I was never a good waker-upper on time for the minyan.
Time went to sleep was not much of a factor.
Open a sefer (even a chassidishe one) regardin' tefillah and minyan and davenin' to Him; that might help.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Big Steps 04 Jan 2015 21:01 #246537

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This was an issue for me when I was in yeshiva as well. I need a lot of sleep and I always went to sleep late. Once I got married I was able to go to sleep earlier and function better during the day.
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www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
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WDHW!!!

Re: Big Steps 04 Jan 2015 22:21 #246540

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If you are so excited about chassidus then why don't you learn a few minutes before shacharis. Maybe that could motivate you.

How about having a competition with your roommate? Who ever turns off the alarm clock wins?

Daven to Hashem!
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

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Re: Big Steps 05 Jan 2015 01:18 #246549

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Pick an acceptable time to go to sleep, and tell your roommates that that's when you're going to sleep. I like the idea mentioned to aim for 15 minutes earlier than whenever you are currently going to sleep. It could also be that you are trying to do too much in too little time. Maybe reorganize your schedule to allow you more time at night for sleep. Hatzlacha raba!

Re: Big Steps 21 Jan 2015 18:47 #247466

  • Shlomo24
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It has been a while since i last posted and a lot has happened since then.

I found out that i know lizhensk and i met dms also. It was really funny when i realized that i know him, he forbade me from reading his forum, i probably won't listen I also ate by his house fri night with dms, who is a really cool guy btw. The meal was great, great food (props to his wife), and we even had a nice addiction dvar torah, courtesy of lizhensk. Afterwords we had a fabregen, pretty aweosme chill, with great rebbishe mayselach.

Hashem has kept me sober (36 days!), i am ever grateful to him. I have been doing my hishtadlus by working a good program i think. I also have been helping others out and doing a lot of reaching out to others, which i believe has also had a positive effect on sobriety.

I also went to a workshop for guys who struggle with ssa. It was the best 2 days of my life, bar none. I feel so much more confident and finally feel like the true man who i am. I also have never felt so much love and brotherhood with a group of men in my whole life. I can't really go into detail however, for more info email me at iam24zman@gmail.com.

I am currently taking a break from yeshiva right now, it was suggested by some people to ease back into regular life.

YTC! KOT!
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com
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