I tried to post this before Yom Kippur, but i dont think it loaded,
So i'm going this will now be my post Yom Kippur post... Teshuva has been on my mind, it being Yamim Noraim, and in general, as i think about recovery, and becoming active in my recovery (as opposed to the passivity i have until this point shown in my recovery). It occurs to me that, for many of the subjects of my aveirot, their participation in the filming/photography of this garbage was a time of desperation and often full of pain. In the world I live in, with what i know about the global human trafficking/s*x slavery market, I can never be sure that the subject of these media aren't victims. When I find pleasure in these films/photographs, I am finding pleasure in what could be someones most painful memory.
So that makes me a monster. A piece of my soul is broken every time i choose their pain. How do i do teshuvah for them? How can i fix the parts of my soul that I've shattered? How can i fix the sparks of Olam Haba thay i have shattered?
RAIIN is an organization that exists to care for women/girls who are survivors of abuse, rape, and incest. My pitiful tzedekah cant repair what I've broken, but its a place to start.
U’teshuvah, u’tefillah, u’tzedakah ma’avirin et roa hagezeira

First of all, WELCOME! Great first step, being part of the gye family is awesome

About this...
Jjkj wrote:


You have no right to call yourself that, u are a person who struggles, just like many of us here on the gye. in time you will overcome this toxic image of yourself and u will realize your true sparkling neshama inside.

Why don't you tell us your story?

YTC!

WELCOME!!!!!!!!


Deep breath! IN AND OUT! You are not alone at all. I know how you feel. You feel like you suck but Hashem is giving us another chance at life. Yesterday happened. There is nothing we can do about it now. We can only impact TODAY!

Check out: Skep's tips

Regardless of what our affliction may be, we're all here for the same goal. You are not alone, we're all in this together. By opening up, you've taken concrete steps toward recovery. Keep on posting and see which tips fit for you.

It seems to me that the reason that you are bothered by watching porn is because of the concern of the actors.
If that is the problem for you, why can't you just find porn that was less professional and where your concerns are not relevant. It shouldn't be hard to find and then you can live the rest of your life watching porn worry free.

Jjkj wrote:


R' Twerski writes about this type of 'addictive thinking' at length. Addicts tend to experience guilt as shame, the difference being that guilt is what I feel when I made a mistake, shame is what I feel when I am a mistake.

Of course you're not a monster. With recovery you will come to see that. Recovery requires time and a lot of work.

unanumun wrote:


WOW! that was straight to the point! great post!

Obviously there is another problem here jk, i think u realize it to. we r here to help. but u first have to accept the problem.

Jjkj wrote:


Be happy you're even moved enough by the thoughts of teshuva to actually try to do something about it. How many Yamim Noraim over the years have I promised to change and then start right up again with my aveiros right after Yom Kippur is over. And forget about the hirhurim and checking out women on Yom Kippur itself!

We all have a long way to go, but this was the most important step.