I'm a young bochur and have been involved with GYE for about two months.
I'd like to get a definition to my condition. I used to be addicted in the sense that I would get these unshakable desires for inappropriate material. Lately however, because of being in yeshiva for many months without access to Internet those desperate feelings no longer exist Thank G-d. However, whenever I am home I have desires to see. Not those crazy ones but a much more moderate one that is a lot more controllable. There are times that with full uncensored Internet available I'll go for like a month without failure, but it's always there in the end
I'm not sure if I'm addicted but how can I improve my situation?

Sounds from what you are saying that you have a normal healthy tayva.
Chazal say that if you stick a boy in from of a beis zonos, מה יעשה ולא יחטא
Today's unfiltered internet is a beis zonos. Perhaps you can come to the realization that you don't need to ever sit in front of a computer at this stage in your life.
Perhaps you should learn mussar every day focusing specifically on fighting the yetzer hara and tayva.
Either way it was a great step to come here and post. If you indeed must be on the computer, stay around GYE, Shmooze with the guys through chat when you feel you are entering the danger zone.
Hatzlacha and gmar chasima tova

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I will definitely start learning more mussar

WELCOME! GYE has tools on many different levels. Being in yeshiva and involved in positive things is definitely helpful. Try to limit your nisyonos as much as possible. As you said, once a nisayon hits, it is difficult to overcome. The best way to beat the Y"H is not go get into the ring with him in the first place.

dear HashemHelps94--
I know many people will disagree with what I say (we're all Jews after all) but in response to your questions, I would tell you that in my lowly opinion, I don't think it really matters whether you call yourself an addict or not (except maybe if you're really taking a go at the 12 steps). And you said it yourself- it matters towards how you can go about improving your condition. I don't think the question that you need to ask is "Am I going to LABEL myself an addict or not?" Because at the end of the day that doesn't matter. You may or may not be an addict, I don't know you or your history.
The important question is "What are the problems at hand, and what is the best way of dealing with it?"

Much hatzlacha,
newyorker94

newyorker94 wrote:


ny94 is absolutely correct. i personally had (and still have) an issue of calling myself an "addict" i feel like its very defining term. however i do know that i have problems in the area of porn/kedusha so i want to work on it, that is all that really matters.

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could you tell us a bit more of your self please?

Check out: Skep's tips

First a little about myself:
I'm 19 and in a solid yeshiva. My parents are a little liberal so we've always had access to internet and my mom has magazines that may have non-tznius pictures. That is where I started, then I encountered the internet. Because my experience was (I would put them as) style or gossip magazines, I never ventured, thank G-d past the stage of the opposite of tznius. At the same time, because our computer sits in the kitchen, and my parents pass worded it, I rarely did go onto the internet when I was 13-15. My mother got an iPhone when I was in shana beis of yeshiva katana and bein hazmanim I would stumble.
My mashgiach ruchani knew of my problem and eventually my parents which helped a lot.
As a side note, for bochurim out there, it's a smart move to tell your parents. For the most part, they want to help you.
Unfortunately, this was way before there was a big awareness about the issue and GYE was in its infancy stages (I actually read the handbook a few years ago)
So now I try hard not to fool myself into succumbing (lately every single failure started with "curiosity" what would happen if...). Taphsic is good. And because I was educated with a good hashkafa, I don't allow myself to be broken, but I get up and try again.

Why I differentiate between an addict vs. a Baal Taava:
From experience, I believe, to truly overcome your addiction, it isn't enough to be clean for 90 days for example (because I've been clean for that long in yeshiva many times) but to have access to internet and still beat it. Lack of access won't exist forever (it could be in the airport lounge, your grandmothers house, or your roommate in yeshiva) so you need to beat the addiction while you have access to really uproot it. Then you can be confidant that it won't come back. I may be wrong. If I am please call me out on it.
If you're a Baal Taava, however, lack of access until you're married coupled with all the good things GYE had to offer, can be the key, because here the problem isn't engrained in your brainwaves, it's just a regular desire for instant gratification.

Love to hear you guys' thoughts

My point was that neither label is good. I would just ask that you not look at them as 2 extremes. Figure out what YOU need and what works for YOU.
It sounds like you have figured out what really works and when you're truly sober, so that's great. If there are small kinks, figure those out as issues, not as symptoms of something else.

Oh--and about your definitions, I don't really agree with you, but I don't think now is a good time to argue with that.

If someone's an addict (like me), it will ALWAYS be there. We have to accept this fact and Hashem's will and start nibbling on those underlying issues (stress, perfectionism etc)

Bottom line the desire will always be there. At least how I feel. The scale of the desire will vary based on efforts and actions. At least how I feel. When I pray and do good I feel like The desire is stronger.when I do bad and and in the game it's easier to control which in ef f etc actually makes it harder. So some good points just rite now one minute at a time and if I have to sleep on my couch for the first few nights I will try my best

I think that the reason people have a lot of trouble with "being an addict", is because they're afraid to put themselves in this "addict" box for life. But notice how what people are saying is that the DESIRE is always there. The reason being that we've taught ourselves how to numb ourselves and escape reality.
The "addict" mentality is just the acceptance that as life goes on, we need to be more aware that we are more susceptible to using these desires in very unhealthy ways, and therefore we need to be on our guard more.

Will you always need all of this special treatment? Nobody can tell you that. What they can tell you, is that if you fit into the category of people who uses acting out to numb themselves, you'll always just WANT to be extra careful for that and not allow yourself even the OPPORTUNITY to act out. I think that is why people call themselves addicts and why they might handle their tayvas differently than a "normal ba'al tayva"

addictions, all addictions happen for a reason. to break an addiction u have to work on those underlying issues. do u have to be called an addict ur whole life? no. do u have to work on yourself and be extra careful about sex your whole life? probably. if u get very significant progress and u don't act on ur addiction anymore (im talking a long period of time) then u dont have to call urself an addict. but the game isn't over though, it doesn't mean u can have unfiltered internet etc. there are many times when someone will "break" an addiction and they will relapse. you just have to be really careful and have good gedarim, and hopefully u also gained progress so u dont act on all the triggers.

Welcome aboard! Recognizing that you have to be careful and have gedarim is very crucial-we all have triggers that can send us down the rabbit hole of masturbation and porn if we don't watch ourselves.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, i think that like smoking or drinking, its an addiction that is always there. After a while you may get better at controlling it, but it's never cured. On the other hand, what does it matter if you may be labeled this or that? The main point is that you're here for help. Also, in my opinion we're all baalei teshuva because we all want, and we're all trying to return to Hashem.