You're thinking too much. Let go of the guilt. Focus on today.

I have seen a bit of it around the forum but it's probably going through any addicts mind during this time: "I suck! Hashem doesn't love me, why can't I just stop? I don't want to act out anymore."

I am not even going to reply to any of the sentiments directly. Instead I am going to speak about the underlying issue or factor in the above statement.

Over the past year of being actively involved in GYE, I have noticed among myself and others, that a lot of us (maybe even all) struggle from being WAY too hard on ourselves. Am
I saying that lusting or acting out is ok? NO! Of course not.

But, we are really hard on ourselves. We constantly yell at ourselves (WHY DID I LOOK AT THAT GIRL?) and are disgusted at ourselves (I am a terrible human being).

This only leads to depression and despair. And what good does depression and despair do? That's right! It only makes it worse! We just feel terrible and act out even more.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?Because we want to be perfect NOW!

"Perfect"- we think we should be perfect. We shouldn't fall or slip. Nope. Basically we think we are God. We think we should be capable of perfection. This leads to arrogance and failure (because we are not perfect).

"NOW"-we want everything NOW! It's programmed into us because we have always yearned for immediate gratification. I want pleasure now! Everything had to wait before we could get our fix, and we needed it as quickly as possible. This is selfish and puts us in the centre of the world. It also reduces out patience. My theory is that this mindset carries over from our listing habits to our recovery: "I want to be clean NOW!"

In reality we can't be perfect NOW! Because we can't be perfect and sobriety just can't happen overnight.

So what do we do?
We have to accept that we are imperfect beings. We may fall and slip anywhere at anytime. We do make mistakes and that is fine. Humans make mistakes. It's natural.

Also recovery takes time: "progress not perfection." It takes work and time. We have been lusting for years!!! What makes you think we will recover in just a matter of days?

So let's all TAKE A DEEP BREATH and ask ourselves what can I do today for recovery? How can I be clean today or better yet this moment!

And for God's sake and ours, please give yourself a break! Relax! Accept you are not perfect and recovery takes time.

If we are so hard on ourselves, we will not be clean. We will just be depressed and keeping pounding our hearts and crying the same old tune, year after year.

Relax, Deep breath, Reach out, Smile

doesn't slipping up mean that the growth (in this case specifically) during those 5 weeks was fake? obviously i didn't turn a corner because otherwise i wouldn't have acted out! i know that you gotta take it day by day, and that is how i managed for 5 weeks, but eventually it just was too hard. isn't it natural too feel that way?

The actual fact that your here and posting does show that. right?

So what do you do? You asked.

First of all stick around here. Second of all remember all hashem is waiting for you to do is deal with TODAY not even eseres yemai teshuvah. Or in other words eseres yemai teshuvah is about ten today's. Think of what you can do better today and act on it.

Keep your spirits high and KOMT!!!

If it's any consolation to you, before i read your post now, i wanted to look at porn myself. But i told myself that i would first go to gye for some chizzuk. Your post was exactly what i needed to read to quell the urge. I feel your pain in your fall, but know that your post saved me from one. Again, i know the crushing feelings of the fall and how much more it feels when its during this holy time of year (i once mb a few hours after yom Kippur!). It hurts, but i know you can do it. KOMT!! And remember to take it one day at a time.

problem is that i feel like my aseres yimay tshuvah is now tainted b/c of what i did