I have thought about this and realized that I can't do anything until I know that we are even. Because one person I have met likes me and I like her but I can't forgive the fact that she had more relationships and fun than I have. All I want to do now is have as many relationships before I decide to settle down and get married. All of this in order to get even with every girl and person out there. I really don't think marriage is for me. If a girl had 3 relationships before she met me than I really feel the need to have the same amount of relationship just to feel even. I have a great need to feel even. What should I do with this great need? I can't forgive myself for not starting relationships earlier.

some of our wife's have a whale of catchin' up to do.

If you don't let go of that thought, and I suspect other similar thoughts, you are in for a miserable life. You will never get even, it is not possible. Learn to let go.

gibbor120
How? How do we let go?

This one is hard for me to explain because I'm not sure I understand it so well myself, but I'll try. Dov used to say that fighting it is just a way to hang on to it. Imagine two people wrestling. They are fighting, but they are also tangled up and getting pummeled. Fighting fantasy thoughts is just like that. It ensures that we are tangled in the thoughts. That is what many are describing when they talk about "winning" or "beating the Y"H".

Imagine the wrestler comes to fight, and you just walk away. That is letting go of the fight. In a way it is really quite simple. Just go on to some other thought or activity.

Resentment is another good example. Why did this or that happen? Why did/didn't my wife do x,y,z? Don't wrestle with it in your mind. Don't dwell on it. Just let go of it. Drop it off a cliff.

Fighting is just a way (a very ingenious one) of holding on to all the negative thoughts.

If I didn't do this justice, the blame falls on me. Many ideas I heard from dov changed my mindset even if I couldn't explain them so well.

Check out the 'dov quotes'. He probably has something on this.

Letting go = stopping to dwell on it. Move on. Think about other things. Stop driving yourself crazy.

Breathe. Be happy with what you have.

Being unhappy with what you have will result in you not having that either.

HA, I just checked my email and found this on yesterday's daily dose of dov (he even uses the wrestling imagery):

...My life in recovery boils down to one thing: Practicing focusing on living a really useful and fun life, rather than living locked in a wrestling embrace with lust - even l'Shem Shomayim! Fighting it all the time is almost as stupid a derech as giving-in to it is! Really. It is not a 'life' - just something that looks a lot like 'living'. For me it was a very insane - but frum - life....and slowly dying (and torture for my poor wife and kids). Hashem has no better way for us? The misery we all know, living in that hopeless torturous cycle...is that the best Hashem has to offer His beloved child?

Giving the entire mess to Hashem to save me from it rather than keeping it (to 'win'), is the derech I was m'kabel from my sponsor and recovery buddies. Learning how to admit squarely in the mirror and to another person that I am not normal nor healthy, but abnormal and subject to lusting, lying, and losing control of myself - once I take the first little drink. And that I do not naturally possess the power to stay away from even the first drink. Then giving my life - not just my lust issue, but my entire life for that day - to Hashem as best I can. And then going out and living!

Neither lust nor the struggle against it deserve real estate in my brain! That tangled obsession has twisted me up enough already! And paradoxically, the way to make that happen is by admitting the full truth about myself and keeping that awareness. It works for me.

what does it mean to get even? why do you need to compare and measure up to the lives of others?
I think there is beauty in finding your own individuality and not having it depend on other people.
Secondly, I would think, that it is more beneficial to have had only one partner, so that you don't compare your spouse to the other people you have been with in the past.

well said netz!!

and anyway the enjoyment comes from the beauty of the moment, not all the calculations that come with it. that is all bad baggage. flotsam and jetsam.
haul it overboard, it can only make you sink

Honestly, I dont even understand the logic of it all. The pleasure and fulfillment that you obtain from having a sexual relationship can only be built upon the quality of the connection already in place with that person.
If you do not have an emotional connection, and you are just sleeping with someone as a "release", then neither person will feel any satisfaction at all. And any said satisfaction that one may claim to have is fleeting, and will eventually be replaced with depression, loathing, guilt, and other "icky" feelings.
And this idea about "forgiving" this potential partner- I hate to come out sounding judgmental, but you are not her judge, and it is not up to you to decide whether to "forgive" her past sexual activity.
If you feel that you can have a relationship with her, and get passed her past, then I wouldn't let all this other "fluff" get in the way. If you can't get passed it, then maybe you might want to think about moving on. But before you do, it would be worthwhile trying to figure out why you can't let it go?