I am 30 yrs. old and suffered with masturbation from the 12-13 yrs of age. In my upbringing (ffb), I did not know it was assur. Believe it or not, until the age of 15-16 I had no consious idea that it was wrong. Maybe it didn't feel right, but never really understood why. It got to the point that it was an everyday occurrence. You take a showe - you masturbate. There was no trying to control it.

Thinking back, in 12th grade was probably the first time that I realized how bad it was and tried to stop. I don't think it helped for more than a couple of weeks.

At some point in high school porn was introduced to me. Whenever I could get my hands on it, not very often, it felt like I was doing the right thing. Sounds crazy now, but I convinced myself that everyone does it, it is normal.

I am married now for over 8 years to the most wonderful wife. I am blessed and am totally not worthy of having her and I thank HaShem daily for such a beautiful, able, caring wife and mother to my children.

BH we have a wonderful bedroom life.

After first getting married I had the notion that porn/masturbation was a thing of the past. How laughable. Whenever I could get my hands on porn i would act out. I was in kollel all this time and at some point my wife needed a computer. This was a recipe for disaster. Although we did not have internet, there was no stopping me know, I got really creative in finding ways to feed this monster.

A couple of years ago a near death experience of a close family member really gave me a wake up call. It was honestly the first time in my life that I understood how bad I was behaving and that acting out was not a normal part of life. The following year was the best year of my life. I was blessed with a beautiful family that I was first able to appreciate the good in my life. To put it bluntly I felt like a human. I experienced normal emotions. I felt alive. I felt my personality come out. It was an unbelievable awakening. I felt such an unbeleivable connection to HaShem. My learning was on a different level and I never Davened so well. I was so connected to my neshama. If anything difficult came up I had a direct link HaShem. I would literally just talk to Him and completely feel better. I can't even explain it thinking back.

After about a year of this I fell. I had to be up the next morning at 5am something I was not used to. Twisting and turning in bed the YH got me: " it will make you tired and you'll be able to sleep....". I felt so bad but I didn't give up. The past year was such an awakening BH i was able to see that and if i could go a year i can start again.

Then I fell again. Maybe 3 months later. Then again. Maybe 2 months later. Oy the pain! Seeing such Bracha and knowing it was within grasp, knowing the feeling of being Tachas Kanfei Hashcina. Feeling that closeness to HaShem and losing it was the most devastating feeling I've ever felt.

The next year or so, was up and down. But then I fell way too low. BH not Ch'V all the way but it was terrible. How can it happen? Who am I? Am I a low-life that has no control over himself? How is it possible to stoop so low?

At this point I had the awakening that something is seriously wrong. I've heard of GYE before but never thought it was for me. I opened this account and started listening in on some of the phone conferences. It was great being able to hear other people with struggling with this issue, Tzaros Rabim Chatzi Nechama. It was enlightening to see that I was not alone in this fight. Recently I fell again hard. I hit rock bottom. I had this sense of this is it. I won't do this anymore. I can't take a back seat approach to this issue. I need to do whatever it takes to get me clean again.

Usually after a fall I would get depressed for a couple of weeks. Not this time. I felt like this was it, I hit the bottom. I am going to get help! I cannot live like this I need to feel that closeness to the one above.

After reading many articles on this site, I know I can't do it alone. I need your help! We need each others help! We need Siyata Dishmaya! We know that if you need something Chazal say "Daven for Yenem and you'll get it". HaShem, Please help all of these Tayere Yidden! They want to connect with you! Ki Im Leshmoa Dvar HaShem. Give us the Koach to rid ourselves of this evil.

I am crying out to you Bsimcha, knowing that you will help me.

Chazak

WELCOME TORAHVAVODA!!!!

WOW!!! thats a amazing first post, thats a gevaldig'a start, i really got a huge amount of chizuk from that, many thing you wrote apply to me in a very similar way,

looking forward to hearing more from you in the near future, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

Welcome aboard!

'rock bottom' is a place familiar to many of us.
The longitude and latitude might be different, but the place is still the same.
There were many discussions on this site and SA meetin's and other places regardin' if one needs to hit 'rock bottom' in order to climb out. I don't know if there is a correct answer or not, but to me, 'rock bottom' is when I started my recovery process.
B"H, I am now 16 months into this process.

So, welcome again.
Take a look around.
Handbook on the front page.
Skep's tips are important and beneficial for everyone.
Most of all, don't be a stranger.
There are some who pop in with a long/short post and then they disappear.
Don't be like that.
We don't bite (most of us anyway), and there is no shortage of chizuk.

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its great to have you!!!!!

HEYYYY! Im supposing to be plugging skeps tips Corddnoy .... check out: Skep's tips

Sorry

you're supposed to be plugging dms123456789's tips!

One of DMS1234567890987654321's tips is:

WELCOME! Great first post. Don't make it the last. Your story is so similar to many of ours. You are in a place of understanding and acceptance.

There is so much to learn. The handbook is a good place to start. You seem VERY motivated. Keep it up. Keep posting.

This is a great place to be. It's nice to have you with us.

Thank you all for the kind words. Looking forward to working with all of you.

I am not sure if this is the place but I just listened to a recording discussing the Taphsic method and really feel this may help. Part of my problem(probably everyone here) is the compulsiveness of the act. It's just there, no decision is being made. The Taphsic method forces there to be a disconnect from feeling the urge and actually doing the act. There is a "time out" so to speak.

Therefor, I don't see a better place than here to make the following Kabbalah (will make a neder once i get feedback from the guys here):

From now until this coming Yom Kippur, if I masturbate without first either; learning mishnayos for five minutes, learning the Parsha for five minutes, saying Tehillim for five minutes or without speaking with an individual via phone/fax/email/forums/chats from GYE about the current Nisayon, I will learn for 3 hours the following day or give $300 to charity, NOT FROM MAASER. If i do one of the items above and within 3 hours have a fall, I will learn an extra hour or give $50 to charity.

What do you think?

Hope you have a good-payin' job.

I would advise using the Taphsic method for anything but acting out. For example i use it for movies and tv and it worked wonders! But i found making a Taphsic to prevent myself from masterbating wasn't going to work.

Why? You don't think I can make it til Y"K?

Interesting point. Why don't you think it will work for 40 days? Obviously by itself it won't work but as an added Shmira...

we find ways around it.
we find loopholes.
we learn for the hour.
we give the 50 bucks.
if we allow the monster in, he don't care about our pocketbook, or our learnin'.
Learn all da hell you want, as long as you join me in the bathroom when you're finished...that's what he says.
we are not changin' or fixin' the problem.
Like it says in the white book: the actin' out is not the problem; it's the solution.

b'hatzlachah

Thanks for the advice. What I was trying to accomplish was to get a period of time under my belt, not a long term solution. In the past, when I had a couple of months clean I was able to use that as a catalyst for staying clean. From what I am reading hear, this is not the correct approach....