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TOPIC: Marriage 15039 Views

Re: Marriage 30 Jul 2015 20:25 #260592

  • gibbor120
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Mazal Tov!

Re: Marriage 30 Jul 2015 21:35 #260594

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newaction wrote:
For anybody reading this it may help him know that last week i celebrated a year of not spilling z"l. in that same year i fell only once in watching inappropriate material.
But in that same year i guarded my eyes from looking at women (any parts of them).
Know please that i am not in my 20's. zera levatala and looking were part of me for something like four (4) decades maybe more. Never stopped.
The year is not really a year .It is the sum of all the days that make it. Every day had 24 hrs and every hour had 60 minutes. one minute,one hour and one day at a time. The amazing of this is that i was aware of my hours and days and can recall my successes and my crises. This awareness is amazing to me , something new in any horizon i had known. I thank Hashem אבינו שבשמים that with His Love that is Infinite אשר לא ידח ממנו נידח made it so that i found out about his שליחים נאמנים which are Guard Your Eyes. I am writing this for anybody struggling,
look at me gazing at women almost half a century; and with the right approach, tools and techniques (that i am still learning , the road has just started for me ) it is possible to rewire your brain circuits in a different way. Old dogs dont learn new tricks; that is correct. We are not dogs , we are human beings the dearest children of Hashem . Deep inside us we want to elevate ourselves to new heights. צמאה נפשי לא-ל חי . Hashem gave us this sickness alright but at the same time He implanted in us a thirst for the good and the noble, for His closeness . No need to hold yourself , let loose your yearning , let your true desire burn with such flames that consume all the undesirable . Embrace humility without fear.
לפני מי אתם מתטהרין? לפני אבינו שבשמים. I got carried away. Hatzlacha to all members of GYE and to klal Yisrael.


There were about 70 good sentences in this post!
There were many great sentences!
the best (imho): Embrace Humility Without Fear!
Step 7!

Great stuff!

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Marriage 30 Jul 2015 21:39 #260597

  • belmont4175
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Mazel tov, may you merit Kedusha you entire life!
הסיבה שיש דברים קשים העוברים עליך היא בגלל שהאדם חושב כי "אני עומד" שהוא מנהל הכל,
ברגע שיתן הכנעה כי השי"ת מנהיג הכל אז כבר אפשר להתמודד עם הקשיים. שמעתי מאדם גדול

If life is a LEMON make LEMONADE

Thank You Hashem for every moment of Sobriety!

Re: Marriage 30 Jul 2015 23:42 #260599

  • Hashivalisesonyishecho
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newaction wrote:
and with the right approach, tools and techniques (that i am still learning , the road has just started for me ) it is possible to rewire your brain circuits in a different way.


Could you say in the most concise way what tools and techniques worked and are working for you.

Re: Marriage 30 Jul 2015 23:52 #260601

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cordnoy wrote:
newaction wrote:


There were about 70 good sentences in this post!
There were many great sentences!
the best (imho): Embrace Humility Without Fear!
Step 7!

Great stuff!

b'hatzlachah


Cordnoy your computerized brain is impressive.

Re: Marriage 31 Jul 2015 00:16 #260602

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Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


Could you say in the most concise way what tools and techniques worked and are working for you.


As i said i am still learning . But in a "concise" way i would say first of all guarding your eyes at all moments. That is the alef-bet. without that i feel empty and doomed for a deep fall or a free fall. Not keeping grudges about what other people do or say to me or think about me.first my wife , kids then neighbors including that nasty and obnoxious butcher in my neighborhood G.od bless him and keep him with good health. number three going to a coach/sponsor/therapist weekly to help me keep in line and monitor my advance.Two months ago i was advised by my sponsor that i can start sponsoring somebody and he made the "shiduch" for me. Last but not least participating in conferences calls when possible.
I reiterate i am still learning . I still worry about my "kavod" in certain situations which limits my defenses from danger . I lately found out that i have another addiction which is called "codependency" . In short my moods and emotions are influenced by other people's moods and emotions. So this is something i started to improve only lately. Let me add one more thing i discovered that all these years i have been "hating myself for being myself" -- another bad habit to eradicate.
All of the above was my "concise" answer .לא עליך המלאכה לגמור אבל אין אתה בן חורין וכו'
Wishing you and all our holy brothers much Hatzlacha.

Re: Marriage 31 Jul 2015 09:36 #260622

  • cordnoy
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Welcome back Hashiv,
Will you be 'concise' in your reincarnation?
Mr. New A did a masterful job in this last post as well.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Marriage 31 Jul 2015 12:14 #260627

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PRAYER FOR BAD THOUGHTS.

I find myself very much many times entertaining lustful thoughts i would like to copy for anyone interested this beautiful post that has helped me a lot. I copied without permission from ALEX ELIEZER (i am sure he doesnt mind to add to his merit more zechuyos).

How to entertain a thought ? That's where surrender comes in.
These thoughts are precious to us. They are our precious drug--lust.
But we can surrender the thoughts and accompanying lust to Hashem.
How ? By saying it :
Ribono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask You
to please heal me from this illness of lust. Take my lust.
I don't want to lust.
I only want You and a relationship with You, Your Torah, and an appropriate , loving,
giving relationship with my eishes chayil.
Please take my lust.

Thought came back ? Say it again and again. Mean it.

Thanks AlexEliezer i printed this and started saying it. It's very helpful for me.

Re: Marriage 31 Jul 2015 13:43 #260633

  • Hashivalisesonyishecho
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cordnoy wrote:
Welcome back Hashiv,
Will you be 'concise' in your reincarnation?
Mr. New A did a masterful job in this last post as well.

I have been here somewhat all along. Only I was silent. Because I am getting to realize that I don't have anything 'clever' to say. I am searching.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!


I liked Newaction's response to me. Not that everything he said is exactly tailor made for me. We all have our different nuances and need slightly varying recipes, but the underlying approach is probably the same for all members of the human species. I, at this moment, in my limited understanding, think that the underlying approach I would like to learn from Newaction is to make numerous changes in the direction of humility so that I will truly be a changed person. As the Rambam says - shinuy kol maasov.

One thing Newaction mentioned that I should probably do, and I want to do, is get a sponser. I also need to stop hating myself for not being myself. I should also speak to Hashem often outside of the formal davening and pray prayers like the one Newaction posted here. I don't think these are enough for me though. I need to learn true humility somehow. May Hashem help.
Last Edit: 31 Jul 2015 13:53 by Hashivalisesonyishecho.

Re: Marriage 31 Jul 2015 13:59 #260634

  • cordnoy
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Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:
cordnoy wrote:
Welcome back Hashiv,
Will you be 'concise' in your reincarnation?
Mr. New A did a masterful job in this last post as well.

I have been here somewhat all along. Only I was silent. Because I am getting to realize that I don't have anything 'clever' to say. I am searching.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!


I liked Newaction's response to me. Not that everything he said is exactly tailor made for me. We all have our different nuances and need slightly varying recipes, but the underlying approach is probably the same for all members of the human species. I, at this moment, in my limited understanding, think that the underlying approach I would like to learn from Newaction is to make numerous changes in the direction of humility so that I will truly be a changed person. As the Rambam says - shinuy kol maasov.

One thing Newaction mentioned that I should probably do, and I want to do, is get a sponser. I also need to stop hating myself for not being myself. I should also speak to Hashem often outside of the formal davening and pray prayers like the one Newaction posted here. I don't think these are enough for me though. I need to learn true humility somehow. May Hashem help.


Thursday's call was all about humility; so will Monday's.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Marriage 31 Jul 2015 14:01 #260635

  • cordnoy
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And you might wanna check out this post:

Haughtiness from the Gutter
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Marriage 31 Jul 2015 14:02 #260636

  • Hashivalisesonyishecho
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The time usually doesn't work for me but I hope to be abl to make it work on Monday.

Re: Marriage 01 Aug 2015 19:50 #260647

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Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


I, at this moment, in my limited understanding, think that the underlying approach I would like to learn from Newaction is to make numerous changes in the direction of humility so that I will truly be a changed person. As the Rambam says - shinuy kol maasov.


I think that the word numerous when used with regard to changes can be misunderstood as a multitask action or different actions. It could sound overwhelming. חז"ל taught us to do our Torah כללים כללים and not פרטים פרטים . I have not yet give it a thought but it looks to me that the change is not more than one, maybe two , but it is at our very core. At the root of our reasoning, belief system . And this change comes to encompass all of your life's numerous details. This way the job is a more simple one (of course never easy) and possible to reach.

Hatzlacha !!

Re: Marriage 02 Aug 2015 06:55 #260672

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newaction wrote:


I think that the word numerous when used with regard to changes can be misunderstood as a multitask action or different actions. It could sound overwhelming. חז"ל taught us to do our Torah כללים כללים and not פרטים פרטים . I have not yet give it a thought but it looks to me that the change is not more than one, maybe two , but it is at our very core. At the root of our reasoning, belief system . And this change comes to encompass all of your life's numerous details. This way the job is a more simple one (of course never easy) and possible to reach.

Hatzlacha !!


My problem is that I don't know how to make such an all encompassing change, a change which is at the very core. So my understanding was that since אדם נפעל ע"פ פעולותיו, the way to go is to do such actions which are part of such a change. Obviously in order to really change this way those actions would need to be constant, so that's why I said I need numerous changes in order to be living in this all the time. I am also very concerned about staying this way and not falling back. When I hear about those people who after years of sobriety still maintain the humility, I think that I don't see how I would be that way. What will I have as a constant reminder, short of having a fall chas vesholom? So that's why I'm thinking that I need to start my whole life over from scratch and begin living in a completely different way. My understanding is that that would have to consist of numerous changes.

My feeling is that you and others probably know better, so please tell me.

Re: Marriage 02 Aug 2015 08:37 #260673

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We have certain beliefs that sit in the root of our whole thinking process. These cause thoughts which in turn cause emotions which cause behaviors. If for example i believe that my wife has to give me kavod because this was the way for the last 50 generations including my parents. Then whenever she will not fill the bill or be moody or tell me take the garbage out or talk to her friend and not me , etc . Then i am prone for resentment , self pity etc., then all is ready for a messy encounter with her. But if believe that the one who deserves kavod is Hashem Almighty; and you will show to the world that He and only He is the object of our kavod giving. And we are just חומר ביד היוצר then you get to take the garbage out בשמחה ובטוב לבב.
Your constant reminder will be all the little and big nisyonos that Hashem sends you daily and hourly. It all depends on which glasses are you wearing when the nisayon presents itself. Now when a neighbor takes my parking space in the bulding instead of fuming about the chutzpah , i smile and say Hashem brought this to me to check on my humility .
The Big book for alcoholics when it comes to start action for recovery doesnt mention alcohol.let me give you my list of things that we addicts have to work on :selfishness,dishonesty,inconsideration,jealousy,suspicion,bitterness,envy,laziness,resentment,fear. And of course, RID. If you teach yourself that Hashem is Almighty. We are his creatures. Then with one TRUE BELIEF it can repel all of the above mentioned negativeness.
I am so much wired the wrong way that if i would have lived in the old american west, my revolver would be handy whenever, to find "solutions" to all my "problems". It sounds crazy and it is . Who ever said we are sane . Insanity is when everybody else is the cause of my irritations (problems). Sanity is when i only look inside my own self for the reason of my peace or discontent.
If you can live in a serene mode disregarding the מבול that could be going outside.You are sane and a free man. I think i have answered very fully. and if not; there is plenty with what i wrote that you can aspire to reach. And i will say this again The real problem it is not and it was never not the women around us whether dressed or not. The original problem was our incompetency to handle plain and simple life. So when incompetent we looked for "pacifiers" to calm our ,RID, etc., etc.., Then we became hooked to our drugs (of choice) . Then the drug became our master. And for some of us,nebach,our only master.
By exclaming : I will not make a move בלתי לה' לבדו and living it. You break the chains of your old evil master and wear the chains of Hashem which in reality set you free.
Now we are powerless over our drug of choice. So By being מתבטל to Hashem He will help us liberate from our old master and let us come in close to Him.
I think that is the whole Torah ; so you will hear this in the conferences calls; or from your sponsor; but all will boil down to this. This what the AA big book says.
Life is your constant reminder, wear the right glasses when looking at life.and if you feel urges to fall, look inside yourself for that thing that is removing you from your serenity. It is the lack of peace of mind that is causing the urges. And of course keep your eyes shot chaver. When i talk to a woman i might look at her if i have to or not to offend her. But to look just for the sake of looking is Lust at its essence.
Wishing you lots of Hatzlacha KUTGW !!!
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