Yes, by focusing only in good, uplifting things, as my mother used to say "women entice, seduce men, but they (women) are only to take fun with them".
Understand?

what did your mother say about the women we are married to?

I don't remember, cordnoy. I suppose to honor them as what they are for themselves.
Any suggestion?

Ill ask my Mom.

cordnoy wrote:


As DMS12345654321 pointed out - this post is famous on the new GYE video: 3:42 in and 6:17 in.

from one gramps to another.

I just don't understand, cordnoy.
Do you refer to watching some video?
From one gramps to another?
Please, explain

the video is on the home page of this site.
your thread was shown several times.

gramps is zaidy/grandfather, of which, thank God, we both are a member of that group

Sorry for the lack of context here, but I am looking for a place to post this, so here is as good as any, since I have no active thread of my own (only started one, and it was a flop! )

Using fantasy to feel better is like lighting my pants on fire to get warm because I'm feeling cold.

...think that has a nice ring to it

And that is just as true whether my fantasizing is about sex (to comfort me from my desires), as it is when it is about resentment, insecurity, or anything else.

Does one feel good at all when he lights his pants on fire?
And exactly where does he ignite his pants?
the cuffs?
zipper?
patch?

but yes, I get it!
thanks

Definitely a question for the World Council (W.C.?)

As King Solomon says about lust (Mishle 6:27):
Can a man rake coals in his lap and his clothes will not get burnt?

I see that posuk apply to real life in so many ways, MT.

But again, please, please allow me to remain clear and honest with you: For a non-addict the response to Shlomo Hamelech's (rhetorical) question is: Yes. For there is burned - and there is burned.

The non-addict can (and does) get away with it. He will sin, yes - and that's bad - but his life does not become unmanageable as a result, any more than a drunken spell necessarily makes the life of a non-alcoholic 'unmanageable'. Not by a long shot. In fact, Teshuvah really does work (Iggeres haTeshuvah and other places)! For the non-addict, Teshuvah saves life from becoming unmanageable.

Boruch Hashem for Teshuvah!

Not so for the addict. Teshuvah does not work for him or her, because sinning is not the problem. The fake life and twisted mind are the problem. The 2nd step refers to our problem as insanity, and makes no reference to the drinking. It (and the 1st step, too) are referring to the unmanageability of our lives, not to the unmanageability of our drinking. Quite another thing than the temporary 'ruach shtus' Chaza"l refer to. Unlike a normal person (Jew or gentile) the true addict discovers that he or she lacks the ability to enjoy porn and erotica successfully at all. Far more serious than sinning, it always messes his lifestyle up because it becomes an obsession, forces him to live a double life, and twists his mind into disability that he cannot see except through the pain it causes. It's like living in a gilgul in one's own body as though it were the wrong body. It's just wrong, and he knows it and cannot fix it.

Sakanta chamira m'isura.

Sinning does not necessarily mess any normal person's lifestyle up, and Teshuvah really does make it all OK, if it is used.

And I b"H use Teshuvah for lots of things, cuz I make lots of mistakes...but not in the area of lust. Just as frum alcoholics do.

And each and every day, I observe acceptance of this very distinction saving lives and marriages. It's the most precious moment in an addicts early recovery and is the 1st step of the Program: "I cannot stop trying to control and enjoy porn/lust/sex/alcohol - and I cannot continue trying because the rest of my life is getting too crazy." Perhaps yiddishkeit will work for some true addicts. But the distincton helps a great deal for the many frustrated, true addicts for whom Yiddishkeit is not working. They can accept that Torah/yiddishkeit is not made for fixing addiction any more than it is made for fixing bipolar disorder.

But 'doing Teshuvah' is so much more respectable...and the ba'al Teshuvah gets so many perks (as he should!). So we try not to look at disease. It sometimes delays recovery for precious years.

PS. A GYE member chatted me yesterday, as follows:

Dov, hi, I'd just like to say thank u very much for making me understand that I am not an addict. I think ur voice is very important both so that some folks wont go nuts without reason, and for not letting addiction become a void term, not to make it trivial. so yeah, that's it, I also like how u show it to be a human problem, not related to religion. So thanks and blessings for ur life.

He is the second guy who openly admitted that to me, of late. The first was a kolel guy who got into some trouble with porn and masturbation - but discovered he is not an addict by writing out and sharing his entire story with safe people, as we do on our desperados call and in SA. Doing that brought him to self-honesty and clarity. Instead, he pursued therapy for his problem because he saw that the 12 steps didn't apply to him, not being an true sex/lust addict.

Dov great post as usual....your words are so well thought out and deep....when reading them they just feel like wisdom and truth.

Is there an in between stage not an addict and not just a "sinner"? Life is manageable but at times lust/masturbation porn.... can become a central focus and boil to a "need" (looking for a stronger word)....that just "needs" to be released? Once released can go back to the baseline of "sinner" and at times non sinner.

Not sure this distinction makes a difference in the big scheme of things but perhaps can help choose the path to getting better?

Very interesting.
i believe there are many levels in addiction,
and teshuva may help a mini-addict,
BUT probably AFTER he has taken other steps to break the vice, that the addiction has on him.
the level of addiction would seem to me, to be in proportion to how much control one has to stop in the middle. [ just a thought ]

Machshovo Tova wrote:


For the benefit of those who hold "Nittel" all year round , please ignore the above, and try this:

cordnoy wrote: