Wow! Honestly, I am impressed. It seems to me you handled the situation quite well. You didn't yell, slam any doors or break things. You tried to stay calm.

Great work! I can't give any advice except stay calm as I'm not married but keep at it as I'm sure everything will turn out for the best.

Hey 85th Jew,
First of all, keep posting. You're doing great with that part. Whenever the overwhelming anger starts to build up, put out all those feelings and thoughts here on the forum. It happens to be that it's therapeutic- and free! Seriously, in a way, it can even be stronger than therapy, because it's like letting it all out at an AA meeting!
You seem to feel so stuck. When your wife's mad, it's like there's no right thing to do to calm her down. So 'whada I got to lose by acting out'. When my wife gives me the vibes that I mean nothing to her, I also feel like 'escaping'- so hurtful.
You know, we can't control how others react or behave. We can only control ourselves. So when you're feeling SO stuck, remember that ANY amount of SELF control is HUGE!
Hopefully by showing Hashem 'I'm at least trying to do what I CAN do' (even a sliver of it), He'll show you the rest of the way.
פתחו לי פתח כפתחו של מחט, ואני אפתח.....

Lostjew85 wrote:


I really hope that this is just a bad mood talking, cos if you really don't want to get help then even though I'm no novi, I can tell you in advance exactly what the next year of your life is going to be like - exactly the same as the last.

I'm not sure what you were expecting, probably not this, but honestly, do you think we have some magical answers that your Rav doesn't have? Talk to him, he might not be as stupid as you think.

I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now, I wouldn't be able to deal with it. But the fact remains that what your life will look like in a year depends on the decisions you make today.

First thing let me tell you

go get the book garden of peace read it through from cover to cover ASAP. I know its an extreme book but it will shake you up and give you strength to move on for the next few days till things calm down.

dear lostjew85,

my heart goes out for you, that really sound terrible i would have not even had the courage to come post here after a situation like that, let alone i don't think i would be able not to yell back (or worse), and i probably would run straight to p***,

so first of all great job and keep it going!!!

i don't really know what should be your next step but i think Dr watson has some pretty strong points there in his posts,

remember there always is hashem to talk and vent to,

we all feel your pain and cheering for you KUTGW, waiting to hear from you on a better note, KOL TUV!!!

I don't know.
Rabbi Arush's books are extreme.
Perhaps pemansky's tapes would be a good start.
Many of resisted goin' or doin' somethin' without our wives.
We have now realized that is not the right mehalech.
Like the good old Doc says, and he says it best, we gotta fix our side, and we cannot expect rewards at the same time.
Feelin' better about ourselves is the reward.
It has been workin' for me (and pssstt... my wife then picked up on it).

b'hatzlachah

it's a tough world out there

Thank you all for the chizuk! My wife ended taking the kids on her own and I sad home alone with unfiltered Internet iPhone all day. Thanks to GYE's chevrah I'm still clean. I was giving a test and you guys helped me get through it. I posted about my marrige issues because that us one of my biggest triggers. When my wife is angry with me I feel lonely and I feel the need to take Controll. So today I took Controll and you guys helped. It's not over yet. My wife is still very angry. But I kept busy with work all day and I hope she'll get out of this soon.

dear 85,
it is very possible that getting to a solution takes time and effort, and it remains your decision to involve a therapist or a rov, which many consider a serious step, but in the meantime, every struggle you have and overcome should be a chizuk for you and it definitely is mischazak us

Lostjew85 wrote:


I realize that the word SAD was a typo, and that you had meant to write "sat", but even typos are G-d sent. Maybe it was a hint to you that the very fact that you have an unfiltered Iphone is sad in Hashem's eyes.
There are plenty of good filters for all types of phones. You can start by looking here:

venishmartem.com/new/

keep up the good work, and Hashem will guide you in the right way, both in your marriage and in your struggle against lust.
Keep on posting.

lostjew,

I hope you dont mind me giving advice. You have to reach deep inside you and find the place where you love your wife. Put yourself in her shoes but knowing who you really are. Would you like this person? If you say "maybe not", you have to put into writing why not. The why not is your ticket to understanding your wife's anger. By the way, this is not fair because it completely ignores your feelings but that is temporary.

Act out of love, not anger. Get to know what is making her upset. Your being late may not be a big deal to you, but it might be to her. What are her pet peeves? What are her buttons?

Lostjew85 wrote:


Rather than doing nothing and hoping she'll calm down all by herself, have you considered being proactive and apologising to her for your part of the argument.

No matter how thin you slice it there's always two sides. If you give serious thought to what you could have done better and apologise for it sincerely you might be surprised by the results.

Actually I think there's a good chance that she'll use your apology as an opportunity to shout at you some more. Maybe she needs that. If you go in knowing that and try to really listen to what she yells at you, not get defensive, apologise again, thank her for being honest and say that you'll try to bear what she says in mind next time, then you'll be starting to rebuild something.

It won't happen overnight, but if you look at your side sincerely, with no thought of what she should be doing differently, consistently, then slowly things will get better.

It's a tall order, I'm aware of that, but sitting back and doing nothing is harder in the long-run.

Don't know if this will help you.
I have written about trips and expectations on this forum several times.
they can be very challengin'.
We did the 'family trip' yesterday, and it was very successful.
I went with a word and its prefix.

Give and 'for'give.

It worked.

All smiles.

There were many opportunities to lash back and to mope and complain (like I have done in the past).

B"H.....with the chevra's help.

Thanks

b'hatzlachah to you as well.

I feel your pain. My marriage used to work like that too. My single biggest trigger is my wife's anger or apathy. I think what cordnoy said is true, start with Pamensky. If you want, I have his whole lecture series, you can PM me and I can send you a link.

For many of us here, we had no clue how much our behavior with regards to shemiras eynayim, porn, masturbation and fantasies was directly correlated to our marriage problems. It seems crazy, but our wives know without knowing where our minds and hearts really dwell.

All I can say is stick around, work on yourself, try to be the husband that your wife deserves and things can improve.

Dr. Watson, the apologizing is an old trick I'm our marriage. That Is my last issue. I always recognize my wrong doing. In this case I was insensitive, she prepared for an hour the night prior and I did not make enough effort to make it on time. Guess what, I put the kids to bed then asked to talk to my wife and apologize. She turned me down in a angry tone saying "I'm-busy" . Ok she needs space.. I throes twice again before going to sleep and it didn't work. In the morning the kids are here and we especially her will not talk in front of the kids or while they are home. Later we go to work then it's evening kids go to bed and this cycle happens again. For three or four days. Now you tel me that I need therapy? This will only end after numerous attemps on my side until she get so annoyed that she starts to argue. I say she's right and then it takes tow days till she calms down. However if I don't try for a day or so then try again after tow days to feel the waters she will curse me out for Bering quite for the last tow days. Doomed if I do doomed if I don't.

Dear BMJ, thanks for the offer. How do I PM?