Hello,

I am new to this site. I don't think I have the difficult struggle that many of the tzadikim on this site do, but I do stumble from time to time. I came here looking for a good filter and found a wealth of information and chizuk from these forums. I have always had a desire to go to clubs and act out with women, but growing up in a religious environment has prevented me from doing so. So it has remained all in my head and fantasy land causing me a great deal of frustration. My question though is that it seems that Non Jews who, for the most part, have no religious restrictions from acting out have a more satisfying life. They are able to do as they wish, "get it out of their systems" and move on with their lives to more meaningful things without much of a struggle. May the struggles we go through be a zchus -

forthekidnapped3

hello forthe
welcome.
your question deserves an extensive and well thought out answer. sorry right now i don't have the time, but i sure others will answer you to your satisfaction.
fact is though, statistics show a happier or let say more meaningful life that jews have more than non jews, why don't you ask for yourself some non-jews about their quality of life without restrictions

It's really not a matter of religion at all.

Are there some people who can indulge and then get on with their lives? Yes.
That ability is not limited to non-Jews.

It becomes a problem for everyone, Jew and non-Jews, when we are unable to let go of our fantasies. When we neglect our real life relationships and responsibilities in favor of our indulgences, we suffer the consequences, and seek help.

Jews are far from the only ones in SA meetings.

SA meetings are based on AA meetings which were invented by non-Jews. Obviously they were unable to do as they wish, "get it out of their systems" and move on with their lives to more meaningful things without much of a struggle. They were the ones whe discovered that they were powerless and their lives had become unmanageable.

MT

Welcome

Hatzlachah to you in your struggles.

what the heck is the difference if they have it easier or not?
what's the difference if your friend down the block has it more difficult that you?
What's the difference where the blame or fault or whatever is?

the bottom line is....you/me/him need to focus on our issues and ours alone, and that is what we need to fix....one moment at a time.

Lookin' at others won't help anybody with anythin'

There are philosophers on this site that will go back n' forth with this one, but ultimately, imho, it is highly doubtful that anyone will get closer to recovery thru this, but you never know.....

b'hatzlachah

Thank you for your reply. If you can point me in the direction where to find the statistics or research articles that would be greatly appreciated.

I assume that wasn't for me, for I don't think there will be much use for those statistics and research.

b'hatzlachah

Skeptical,
I agree with you 100%. When someone is unable to let go of their fantasies and neglects their real relationships and responsibilities in favor of their indulgences, that is a real problem and they suffer the consequences. This goes for Jews and non Jews alike. What I am often bothered by is the idea that being able to live your life according to your own ideals and indulging in certain behaviors without the anxiety and guilty feelings that often are associated with religious restrictions seems to be more fulfilling. I know that these "restrictions" are only for our ultimate good and protection the way a father gives his son rules for his protection. But it is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

cordnoy,
That was meant for Lavi. I'm still trying to learn how to respond to individual posts. As far as what you wrote, I guess I am more of the philosopher type. I think it would help me focus and rid myself of such distracting thoughts. Thank you for knocking some sense back into me.

When you are replyin' to an individual, especially from a post above in the thread, hit the "quote" button on the bottom right.

Perhaps the philosophy discussion will help you, but in my experience it didn't.

b'hatzlachah

GO CORDNOY! oops, sorry i just really agree. Bottomline, i don't really think this matters at least for me (and cordnoy )


forthekidnapped3
Hehe. Thats the point of the guilty feelings! But for us, those feelings don't really matter. They just go to the back of our mind and we (addicts) keep on doing stupid stuff that wrecks our lives. Really, LUST IS RUINING MY LIFE. I can wish all i want but it really doesn't matter, because indulging in this stuff, for me, is poison. For example, You may want to see what its like by getting stabbed in the back? But if you do, then you will die. So you don't. So really its not a hard pill to swallow because i will die.

Perhaps you're different though and not really an addict. But i need to seek the truth and the truth is I am a Sex Addict and if i take that first sip, I am a goner.

BTW: WELCOME!!!! Its great to have you here!

forthekidnapped3 wrote:


ok guys, thanks for feedback.
there are some known statistics and some which i can't say because they are from a confidential source.
the known ones are from geirim and baalei teshuva which is a fairly easy statistic,
and they say that they didn't find relief or yishuv hadaas from free sex.
what's more some of them as well as those who have acted out, can testify how their escapades has cost them very dearly in real life, with unwanted images flying around in their head. the gemara in pesachim says even a second marriage has implications on sex life (4 minds on bed) kol shkein acting in a free way and letting go whenever there is an urge there remains deep scars. sometimes for life. does anyone want to argue with this? i guess some people don't get that not only is our religion restrictive, it gives us the best possible enjoyable sex ever. and anyone who didn't merit a frum upbringing is simply missing out.
but the obvious statistic is that there are less addicts is frum society than less frum. does anyone doubt this?

Welcome FTK3!!

Opening up is a great step, and especially learning how to be honest!!! It took me a while to be able to say "I'm jealous" or in other words, "I'm not happy with this life".

I'm not clear as to what you do still struggle with and what not, but here's my experience.

One of the first things that I learned here is that my personality has to be faced, and I can either accept it or be upset about it. I used to think that there was some mistake, I'm a good Jewish boy, I shouldn't be having these problems, and I'd be very frustrated when I was plagued with desire. Learning to accept the fact that this is how I am was one of the first liberating attitude changes I learned.

So, in regard to your specific question, as everyone else has answered, it's not really a practical question. Of course it would be nice either to be able to "blame" yiddishkeit for my problem, or to be able to say that I'm not different, because either way would dissolve that feeling of jealousy. But that's not really where it's at, where it's at is that I'm not happy with this and I'm justifying it by saying "other's have it easier, so why should I be happy with it? I shouldn't need to tolerate it!".

It's ok to have desires, it part of being human, we can learn how to live life meaningfully even with desires!!

KOP (Keep On Posting) brother!!! KOT(rucking)!!!!

lavi wrote:


I doubt it

BUT,

Why the BAD WORD REMOVED does it make a difference?! I need to live my life happily even if I'm the only one on the world with the problem!! I've had enough of playing the nebach, enough of excusing myself for my actions, I want to learn how to use with my to it's fullest because this is the life that I have!!

[quote="Pidaini" post=234952]Welcome FTK3!!

Opening up is a great step, and especially learning how to be honest!!! It took me a while to be able to say "I'm jealous" or in other words, "I'm not happy with this life".

Hopefully I did this quote thing right.

Although I know what we have as Jews is better, I admit that deep down I am a little jealous. As I write this I can't help but hope that Hashem did not hear that.