Thanks all for the chizuk. And shkoiach Oownanoowmin for talking things through with me and for your advice.

So it's day 13. I thank Hashem for every moment that I am clean. For each moment that I don't compulsively act out. There's more reward for סור מרע than for עשה טוב. Hashem, please don't let me ever take the opportunity to do Your will for granted!

Shame. Shame is the name of the game. The yetzer hara's game. So many years feeling deep inside like a fraud. And you know what? I WAS a fraud- I was fooling myself! You see, all these years why didn't my tshuva work? I was so broken so so many times- חרטה על העבר, קבלה על העתיד, and everything in between. Or so I thought. Until the next time I acted out. On gye, I am learning to be more true to myself. By learning from and sharing with others. I can share that mighty me has a hard time controlling his thoughts/where he looks/where he puts his hands. Yup- I'm weak. Now that self awareness is empowering! Because its a start to facing the shame head on. A baby step closer to introducing the two 'me's' to each other, as in the Captain Kirk parable from our master mechanech hagaon hatzaddik Rabbeinu R' Dov. Only that can bring to true עזיבת החטא. Without it, one of the 'me's' is still harboring it- it's mamish טובל ושרץ בידו.
I need to use it in all areas of life. Assess things just as they are. No fluff. Throw the ga'ava out the window. Don't be afraid of the dirty truth.
Hopefully I'm a bit more humble this time around. Accepting that I need to try something different. That I need others' support along the way. That I need to put in intense, persistent effort. That I must be prepared to constantly step out of my comfort zone. That if I fall along the way- just jump back up. I don't have to be perfect. Just honest. Not easy. But REAL. And real things have קיום- they last.

That's so refreshing!!!

A little bit of humility can go such a far way!!

Thank You for sharing...and remember that we aren't always perfectly imperfect, sometimes I don't accept that I'm not accepting a certain situation, I need to remember that that happens as well....and just KOMT!!!!!!!

Really rough day.
No other triggers-just plain old lust. It just wouldn't go away.
Amazing how aware I became of how it creeps in.
It began with seeing options on my cell phone company's site for access to innapropriate numbers.
I had this sudden crazy urge to unlock the option. I could feel this tightening in my stomach and quickening heartbeat. The same feeling as when seeing something innapropriate from the side of my eye. The same feeling as when I'm anxious. The feeling that until a short while ago would say 'you won't be able to handle it- so why put yourself through the pain? Just get it over with, and you'll feel better.'
And the feeling persisted for a couple of hours. There was a voice telling me 'come on, you'll feel so relaxed after you ma......e'. It wasn't easy.
But I'm learning that it's not as scary as it 'feels'- after all, a feeling is just a feeling! There's no danger. I don't HAVE to do anything to avoid it! And, with Hashem's infinite kindness I was able to just be present and aware. Aware as opposed to compulsively doing whatever it takes to avoid. Aware that I'm having a very uncomfortable feeling. And that's all. I'm not a slave to it- or to the voice telling me that I should just give up. Gam zeh yaavor! (And it did!)

So Thank You Hashem for a challenging day #14.

WOW! Great Job! Remember to calm down and breathe. We can't think with so many things rushing to our heads.

But i would advise that next time, you reach out to someone. Sometimes lust comes at full force and we cant resist but ourselves. We need help. Other people will screw our heads back on. If you're having troubles finding people to talk to, use the chat bar conveniently at the bottom of the page. I am sure you can find people to chat, text or even call when you are having a bit of trouble

KOL!! KEEP ON LIVING!

i appreciate your post. thats what saved me more than once. i think it is human pysche. any emotion that is shared automatically gets less.
thanks.
lavi

Well.... I had a slip today. I was looking at inappropriate stuff online, and it took about two minute to get a hold of myself and pull myself away. B"H moved on , and didn't let it pull me down further.
Now I need YOUR feedback. What's the gye תורה שבעל פה here? Do I restart the 90 days?
What constitutes a fall?

The official rule for the 90-Day Chart is as follows. (Wall of Honor Rules)

What constitutes a "Fall" to require restarting the count?
There are "slips" and there are "falls". "Slips" do not require restarting the count. "Falls" do require restarting.

A "Fall" is one of the following things:

1) Intentional masturbation

2) Intentionally viewing improper sites

3) Intentionally calling inappropriate telephone numbers

4) Intentionally seeking out and reading erotica

5) Worse things, which I need not mention.

In regard to number 2 (and 4), if someone saw something by mistake and then got a little bit carried away and kept looking at it, or even if someone saw a link and couldn't resist clicking on it but then catches themselves within a few seconds, that would only be considered a "slip", not a "fall". However, if someone decides to actively pursue viewing bad sites chas veshalom, that would be considered a FALL and require a restart of the count (by letting us know).

Also, each person can set their own criteria for what they consider a "slip" for themselves. But as long as they did not do one of the 5 things above, they can stay on the chart if they want.

I'm so sorry that you fell, but you should read some of the great stuff you wrote a few days ago. I found it to be simply inspiring, and I'm so happy I read this post. As you wrote, it's all about taking baby steps, and I'll add to it that sometimes when we take those steps we fall. So, it's time to pick yourself up, dust off the dirt, and KOMT. You got this one! Yesterday I looked at inappropriate images for the first time in quite a while , and I mb. But you know what? I felt terrible, but I have to move on and KOMT. Hashem gave each of us different nisyonos, and we can overcome them. They may seem like imposing mountains which are impossible to ascend, but like Mt. Everest, we can climb it if we only believe in ourselves.

ineedchizuk wrote:


Perhaps the countin' is important to you, so go ahead and kler the chakirah, but ultimately, the question that you need to ask is "are you recoverin'?" Are you learnin' not to lust? Are you realizin' that the object of your desire is not a Goddess and they have nothin' to do with you, and you should move on? [I'm talkin' to myself here.] If the answer is yes, then keep on truckin'! If the answer is no, then, "What are you gonna do?"

b'hatzlachah

BH that you tore away and just went on!! Good Move!!

As for the question of the chart, I would say that you do what ever will keep you clean. Some people decide that for now they'll let it go, but if it happens again, then they will reset it.

But the point is as cordnoy wrote. We need to let go of days and live in the moment. Practically, it does help somewhat to have those numbers in our heads, but we should try teaching ourselves that it's really insignificant.

If you are sick today, does it make a difference if you were up and about yesterday? You'll go to a doctor today because you're sick today. If you were sick yesterday and feeling fine today, are you going to lay in bed moaning and groaning and call a doctor, because you were sick yesterday?

It's very much the same with our life, we take it as it comes, deal with what's at hand. We don't need to add our whole life into every equation!!

So KOT!!! It's not the chart that's experiencing life.....it's you!!!

KOP!! KOMT!!!

I love the varied responses. We're one diverse group of guys, all with one goal in mind!
And from Skep, I got a תושבע"פ when we schmoozed, then a תושב"כ here on the forum!

So, in the spirit of all your comments, I will hereby reset my count. But without a heavy heart. Precisely BECAUSE it's okay. So, I declare besimcha- היום יום שלישי.

One moment at a time.

kol hakovod, may we also be zocheh to share good news.
in fact your last post is good news. keep it up

יפה שעה אחת קודם.
Still clean B"H. Today was a bit tough. Some feelings to lust. To 'just' peek. B"H ignored. That's the good news.
The other news? Feels like I'm becoming complacent. Forgetting to constantly thank Hashem not just for what I do right, but just as much for what I don't do wrong. Maybe I'll do a gratitude list, like I've seen on the forum.

All right- for starters, here goes:

Thank you רבש"ע מקור חיי who only wants what's best for me, for:

- My health. You know what? It feels geshmak to take a deep breath. (that's for you, DMS)
- Giving me the opportunity to learn your Torah.
- My beautiful mishpacha.
- The nisyonos that you hand pick just for me. A fringe benefit- getting to know the wonderful gye community!

Great to hear that you're trucking along!!

Are you in contact with people that you can express your urges and feelings to honestly? That has been THE most helpful thing for me. It enables me to be able to talk to Hashem honestly as well.

Don't ignore your lust, by me it's usually a sign of lack of action, either in life in general or in recovery specifically.

KUTGW!! KOT!!

Pidaini wrote:


I have heard many times from very wise people and experts, that if we give full attention to every little thought that arises we are "digging ourselves deeper into the problem" intead of getting out of it.
We must learn how NOT to pay attention to certain rising thoughts.
That itself is considered an EFFORT toward recovery, and not just a "lack of action".
Chazak v'ematz!