lavi, I know what you mean about being angry at Hashem. I also experienced that. I remember the first time I actually put it in writing (I don't remember if it was a post or a chat) i had tears in my eyes.
It was something i was keeping inside me for years and the experience of letting it out (even it was anonymosly) was overwhelming.
I had also gone through very tough times financialy and many times felt that my wife was ignoring my needs. Those were the things that led to the feeling mainly.
I have since come to understand to appreciate the amount that I grew by going through the tough times. (In a certain sense, i miss those times that I was working so conciously on bitachon) also I have learnt that my wife doesn't have to fulfill my needs, I need to keep my needs in check.
keep up the sharing of what you are going through. I hope the guys here will be able to say the right things to you so you could work through your issues,
all the best and KOT!

lavi wrote:


you have quite a clear picture of what the avoda is but you also find the merchak from the knowing to the actually doing to be insurmountable (just like all of us). by a meeting someone brought up this issue of having tainos on Hashem and everyone there (besides maybe 1 person) all admitted to having had the same feelings.

it is hard to deal with what is 'deep deep inside' even though on the outside we have ideas of why it is not really right
did writing it out help at all to alleviate it in any way, maybe speaking it out with a friend or Rav (or your wife (not the pratim just the general nisayon of the dealing with the stressful situation)) etc would help even more,
also focusing (everyday or more) on the positive aspects of your life

I recently heard a nice remez on the gemara in taanis that when someone is sameach with yisurin that itself brings the yeshua. the ben ish chai explains how someone could possibly be sameach with yisurin. if he realizes that they are just temporary and they are there for his benefit so he says it is a vay (like oy) sha'ah (temporary) then those osiyos make the word yeshua וי שעה= ישועה!

lastly there is nothing wrong with taking chizuk from the 2 and 1/2 weeks clean if this chizuk is used to help you to continue on with renewed kochos

Thank you, Lavi!!

As others have written, I have also experienced the "angry at Hashem, therefore "punishing" Him" attitude. The first thing needed for me to stay somewhat sane is for me to be completely honest with myself, and I do that by talking my feelings to others.

Of course, it's very difficult to admit "I am angry, insulted, jealous, etc" for we were taught that those are not good things to be, so we try deluding ourselves to believe that we don't have those terrible middos, starting the "double life" process. Realizing that we are Human, and that getting those feelings is part of the human nature, but we don't have to act on them and we can learn to deal with them correctly is a massive game changer!!

KUTGW!!! KOT!!!

a yasher koiach-(thank-you) (or for the unfamiliar- may your strength be straight- does anyone know of a better english equivalent???) friends, for all your feedback.
there is also one more point that fuels my anger( see previous post), i call the great Unknown (as opposed to unanomon-who is the small unknown!! sorry, i couldn't help myself).
We are sometimes caught in a rut,(I mean myself-i'm just using plural to make it easier!!!) and we try everything, including asking gedolim, and intensive introspection of ourselves trying to find some kind of hint to what Hashem wants from us, and we come up totally empty-handed, and we stay that way for long time, waiting, hanging, etc. we cannot help but think "Hashem, i will go along(this time!!) with anything you want. one little, little favor please, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME. either here or there, but no answer can be the worst. how different our rosh hashonah would be if afterwards we could see the results.
it takes a extra dose of patience- which brings to humility( and not despair) to accept and say Hashem- if you want me to run around in circles- then i'll do it-and believe that it is good for me too!!! or take one of my recent examples- i daven with extra kavana for parnosa and i feel strengthened, and i saying some tehilim "thinking Hashem is all just, merciful,powerfull and loves you-" and then my phone rings "hello, this is your dear wife- can you bring home tonight a couple thousand in cash?" i look up to heaven and say "nu, what are You waiting for???"
or in other words" umm, what now, Lord?". and i have to add, yes i believe in everything that we are taught, but this lesson for me is the hardest (i'll get there one day imH).
your friend lavi.

dear pidaini
i would like to diccuss the movie issue with you.
do you have an address? it isn't fair to take up gye space for it.
your friend lavi.

Why wouldn't it be fair to "use up" GYE space?

The discussion may help others.

Regarding the financial situation, I'm currently going through a very difficult time financially as well. I'm very much in debt (and could only dream of being able to bring $2,000 home on request!) I know that Hashem is taking care of me and nothing can stand in His way of doing so, so I relax and am happy with what I have.

Hey Lavi,
I was glancing through the 90 days chart. I see you are still going strong. Keep up the good work. I am very happy for you that doing what you do here is working for you.
KOT!

yeah thanks buddy

I am very happy for you that doing what you do here is working for you. -una

i think it's working for me, i just HOPE i'm not ANNOYING anyone.

Not me you ain't.

you are......so what?

Hey Lavi,

Looks like you're goin' strong in the 80's!
Great news!
Keep it up!

Care to share how ya' doin' it?
No movies?
No shows?
No clips whatsoever?

Or you are, but they ain't leadin' to anythin' worse?

Whatever the case...continued hatzlachah

Thinking along the same lines, Lavi. (I'm sure your other friends here too.)
Although, as some say about popular threads, 'sex sells', I really identify with much of what you write. Your shares have been real and inspiring. I am sold by the realness in your shares.

84 days- great!

So how have things been going for u?

thanks friends, for the questions and inquiries of my wellbeing.
my journey so far has been a real eye opener, on my own personality and actions.
i plan to post more about when i hit 90, imyirtzeh Hashem.

hello friends and anyone out there.

i have just recently reached the nine-oh. really good feeling.
i wanna thank the staff at gye, and anyone involved with it.
to put in bluntly, they have saved my life, when things went spiraling outta control.

also the fellow posters, who have really give me a tremendous amount of chizzuk, advice and pointer and corrections, etc. and have a big share in my recovery.

now about the "how"
i will honestly say, that i can only share what i understand, and there is a certain part of my recovery that i don't understand.

my problem was that i had a lot of anger/stress/resentment/frustration, and inside was looking for an outlet and escape from my lot. and the circumstances gave my access to computers with internet...
to be fair to others i didn't have a pre-existing addiction, that many others had for years, rather after viewing bad stuff for around a year, i began to need the thrill more and more often. i would hold out for a while, promising myself only to view decent stuff but somehow, when i felt down, i went for my exciting stuff. after cycles of this, my defences went down, and i repeatedly fell until i felt totally out of control. then i knew there is too much to handle on my own. at the same time, i was dead scared, i was thinking "where on earth am i headed too??"
in the course of a few days i got a decent filter and reached out online for help with addiction, and b.h i found gye.

what helped me was the basic material in the e-books, and more than that, the social connection with all you guys (gye's) and the great advice learning from others about the ins and out of the whole thing. i spent 90% of me free time on gye. easily 2 hours on a normal day and many times even more. this kept me out of trouble in a big way.
about all the movies that where triggers. as soon as i felt strengthened by all the above and i knew that i gotta avoid that tug to bad stuff, my inclination to movies dropped dramatically, my theory to this is, that inside the movies were just an excuse to get to the real stuff, and my vice knew, that if he could keep me on movies, i'll get sucked in sooner or later, so when i made a lot of conscious steps to avoid lust, the will for movies dropped tremendously, also to be honest i did watch a little but mainly 10 minutes here or there, and only the end of the movie, so i didn't get so brainwashed , as those who feel when they watch a whole movie. still room for inprovement.
i am trying to take intzy wintzy steps into doing good things with my spare time, so i don't have to be kinda hooked to gye, although i love it, it ain't good to be hooked to anything i think.
the times i came really close to falling was when my computer went crazy and i had to use a different browser and options, where i was not on home territory where i has my presets, which give clean stuff. in the end of the day, i definitely think i got a lot of siatta dishmaya, because i know people who haven't made much progress, even though they may have done much more recovery steps than me.
a small personal addition: i daven for everyone in gye every day. it is true. i love you all.

Mazel tov, Lavi!!!!

May you go mechayil el choyil- never stop growing. (And keep on guard as if it's day #1.)

There is a tremendous amount I have learnt from your posts.

But specifically, your gradual change of tone, to the point of saying, "there is a certain part of my recovery that i don't understand." If it works, it works, no?

(Seriousness aside, you couldn't at least fit in a short and sweet dvar torah, like, say, a ten page Gri"z al hoRambam?) :-)